I wonder does it all matter????

                    TREVOR,  I went to bed last night barely able to keep my eyes open. I had short periods of sleep waking on and off all night. I woke more awake not able to sleep peeking over your dad to see the clock....... at 3:09am. Maybe it is hard or impossible to know that waking before I can even open my eyes you are the first thought in my mind Trev. My eyes well up, the screaming in my head starts and that day plays over in my head the moment I couldn't believe I was hearing, the moment I looked into your brothers eyes as he cried, the moment your brother and dad grabbed each other tighter than ever, the moment I fell unable to feel myself, like it was a scene from a movie IT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES TREVOR!!!!!!!!!! My stomach drops, my heart hurts and I DREAD GETTING OUT OF BED TO FACE THE REAL WORLD..    
                     I am so grateful for your dad and I am extremely blessed to have your brother, but waking is so extremely hard not wanting to get out of bed everyday. This morning hearing the rain is calming to some and maybe in the past it would of been something I didn't even think about. It today is not a calming sound, it is knowing it was not going to be a sunny day weather wise, making it even more difficult than the days before to raise my body and get my legs off the side of the bed. I laid there closing my eyes trying to make myself believe its gonna be a better day. I picture you and your smile, wishing I could hear your voice. I beg with all my heart knowing what I want is not possible.
                     As I work today on my birthday I cry and luckily I only have the babies so they don't don't care or notice. I think to myself ........"IT IS JUST ANOTHER DAY" MY AGE IS ANOTHER YEAR , BUT MY BEING IS SO MUCH OLDER, MY HEALTH STRUGLING, I CANNOT BE MYSELF, THE SELF I WAS, I AM UNABLE TO BRING THAT BACK TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!! I am stuck in a hell like no other. I KNOW FOR REAL that you are not here and are not coming back yet I find myself constantly wanting, wishing, begging to the all mighty whoever that  I would give ANYTHING, PLEEEEASE just give you back to me.
                         I am wished so many happy birthdays and well wishes. I read them and think to myself I appreciate the thought's I really and truly do, but IT DOESNT MATTER, EVEN IF IT WAS SUNNY, TODAY IS JUST ANOTHER DAY, SO I AM A YEAR IT TIME OLDER, I FEEL YEARS OLDER THAN I SHOULD MY HEALTH IS SUFFERING. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME THAT ITS MY DAY, I DONT MATTER, THE DAY IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE, NOTHING MATTERS MUCH EXCEPT ITS ANOTHER YESTERDAY, TODAY, HOUR, MINUTE, SECOND I BREATHE THAT I DON'T HAVE YOU HERE. THE PAIN I HAVE, THE HEART BREAK YOU LEFT ME TREVOR . THE AGONY LIKE NO OTHER IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE.
                           
 I WISH YOU WERE HERE, I REPEAT IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER TREVOR, YOU LEFT ME BROKEN, SO BROKEN I FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO REPAIR, TIME GOES ON BUT STANDS STILL

.
                         I JUST LOVE YOU..................................................... XOXOXOXOXOX

My Baby

                I woke up crying so extremely hard this morning. I couldn't stop Trevor. I grabbed my dream journaling book that Audrey bought me. I ran out of the book that you wrote your stories in from the many dreams and nightmares that I have had since you died.
                I went to the bathroom to write planning on going back to bed laying there trying to get the horrible visions out of my head, screaming to my self in my mind, begging for something, something that tells me why Trevor..... Instead I couldn't control my sobbing it only got louder and louder as I sat on the toilet waiting to calm enough for my hands to stop shaking to write. Your dad was awake wanting me to calm down. I CANNOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like he is just saying be quiet!!!!! I know he does it because I get so out of control sometimes where I can't breathe which then it brings on a asthma episode. Even when I physically stop it NEVER stops inside. I can be talking to someone about something, may be looking right at them, maybe laugh, smile talk and all the while that screaming is going on in my head. IT DOES NOT STOP, DOES NOT TREVOR...........................
                So I went to your room grabbed one of your pillows sat holding it as tight as I could I always end up rocking and crying doing a somewhat silent scream into it. I sat there forever crying looking at all of your things, the things still left in your room just like it was when you died, well except its dusted vacuumed and cleaned up.  I look at your pictures from one of the funeral boards I made and hung in your room still hold your pillows, clothes anything I can draw your scent from.  It is the only thing I have tangible that is you.
                  I just HATE that I can't have you home. I would take a filthy room, no gas in the car, you just being lazy I WOULD TAKE ANYTHING....... I think to myself I would even take you back at the funeral home the first day we saw you, the numerous times they let us visit before your funeral and the night of you funeral. I would take back those hours minutes seconds and cherish having you whole being able to touch you your face EVEN to talk you no with no answers I am exhausted missing you hating this new life Trevor
                  Remembering all these moments of the video and those apply to watching you grow, holding you watching you. All the moments that I should have WILL NEVER BE. I will always have the memories and pictures and movies of my baby but those don't even compare any to what could of been that was stolen from me.

https://www.facebook.com/todayparents/videos/10154040297262984/?pnref=story 

BE SCARED !!!!

Trev this is yet another post i shared about what and how your fearless life left us.
What hot hell I breathe EVERY SECOND I inhale and exhale NO MATTER WHAT I LOOK ON THE OUTSIDE

As I lay here again up since 3ish I sob uncontrollably remebering the emotion and love shared this night. Not just then but always. Although there was space in between with your different things going on in your lives. You were always there for each other. There wasn't any question of how much Trevor loved you Brayden Campagna I believe he would of done ANYTHING for you. EVERYTIME not just because Trevor is dead but since this picture was taken I cry everytime seeing this. This picture showed the raw, unedited, true emotion of love between friends that there is. He considered you a brother, and even though we dont see u as much consider you a part of our family. I am sorry you share part of our agony, I wish he would of told u something and if he did I wish we would of known to try and save the soul he apparently was being drawn into.
 I WANT TO SAVE YOUR PARENTS from the hell that Peter and I are living. We thought we would know.... You would think you would see, but THERE WAS NO APPARENT SIGNS, TREVOR WAS SMART, HE WAS PART OF DARE, TAUGHT FROM EARLY ON, HE WAS GIVEN INFORMATION TO MAKE SMART CHOICES, HE KNEW THE DANGERS.

**PEOPLE NEED TO BE SCARED!!!!
**PARENTS U NEED TO KNOW THIS COULD BE YOUR CHILD!!!!
** I WAS A THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO US, TREV IS HONEST, DOESNT HIDE THINGS, HAS TOLD US ALOT OF THINGS A CHILD WOULDN'T TELL THEIR PARENTS. .......BE NOSEY, CHECK ROOMS,  ASK QUESTIONS. READ AND LEARN THE SIGNS THE LINGO, WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, ITEMS TO USE....STRAWS, ENDS OR CORNERS OF CREDIT CARDS, BAGGIES TIED OR RUBBER BAND WITH A SMALL POCKET AT THE END, INSIDE BOOKS THAT MAY BE CUT OUT INSIDE. IN AREAS OF CARS.... ASHTRAYS POCKETS, GLOVE COMPARTMENT, ITEMS THAT BE ABLE TO HOLD A TINY BAGGIE
 IF YOU PAY OR HAVE ACCESS TO PHONES GO THRU, TEAR ROOMS APART!!!!!
IF U SUSPECT DONT CARE IF YOUR KID GETS EXTREMELY PISSED AT YOU.
IT IS YOUR HOUSE AND IT COULD SAVE YOUR CHILDS LIFE.
PARENTS.......... DONT BE PISSED IF A PARENT IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAY SOMETHING TO U EVEN IF YOU DONT SEE ANYTHING.
PLLEEEEEEEEASE DONT BE SCARED TO DO ALL THIS OR ASK, QUESTION. DON'T BE NIEVE AND THINK NOT MY CHILD
************BECAUSE ***** IT CAN BE********* YOUR CHILD OR YOUR CHILDS FRIEND.

I DONT WANT TO SEE U LIVE MY LIFE.
THIS LIFE THAT FEELS NO DIFFERENT THAN THE DAY I HEARD TREVOR IS DEAD!!!!!!!
 HOURS OF SLEEP OR NOT SLEEPING, EEEEVERY WAKING HOUR, WORDS THAT HAUNT EVERY MILLISECOND I BREATHE, THE CONSTANT IMAGES OF FEELING A PART OF THE SKULL OPENED, KNOWING YOUR CHILDS BODY HAS BEEN CUT INTO, EMPTIED AND THROWN BACK TOGETHER, YOUR CHILDS FACE SEWN /GLUED SHUT LAYING MOTIONLESS NEVER TO TALK, SMILE, LAUGH, INHALE OR LOVE U EVERRRRR EEEEVERRRR AGAIN.