I have not been able to write lately. Well I guess that's not entirely true. Maybe I have been able to, but just don't want to or can't bring myself or want to yet again acknowledge that I don't have you here. That I am living my worst possible nightmare EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY WITH EVERYBREATH I TAKE.
I want to write, but there are so many words sentences, thoughts, feelings that it sometimes just is jumble in my mind. Everything seems to swirl together like I am a crazy person talking in tongues like I at one second know the words and know what I want to say and hear myself saying it all, but then again I feel like what in the sam's hell are you saying cause it is so very loud and so many things going thru my head it's like what the hell are you saying.
I know ONE DEFINATE thing I want you back and I HATE that you are not here. That I miss you so so so very terribly, I want to just hear you, see your smile I have never wanted to hug you more than FOREVER.
I find myself watching your French toast video over and over sometimes what could be over a hundreds of times wanting to scream the entire time crying till my chest literally hurts. As soon as it stops I press play all over again and again and again. My
insides still churn with sickness of the images of what that day held, what they found, the scene of what it was, your face with no life, the images of them putting you in a body bag, That I was not there for me to hug you in my arms one last time. Dead or not I would be able to have you my arms cradling you, to talk to you even if you couldn't hear me. To touch your face, to kiss you. I am so still VERY PISSED THAT IT TOOK ALL FING DAY AND FOR ME TO CALL INQUIRING THAT I FOUND OUT. NOBODY..... NOBODY CAME TO ME. WTF 7 IN THE MORNING AND IT WAS ABOUT 4:30 PM TILL I HEARD MY SON WAS DEAD WITH A HEARTLESS DETECTIVE SAY "WELL IT WOULDNT OF MATTERED IF WE CAME EALIER IT WOULDNT HAVE BROUGHT HIM BACK) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME AS I AM OUT OF CONTROL WRITHING IN A PAIN I DONT EVEN KNOW THE DEPTHS OF AT THAT POINT, NOT EVEN IN MY BODY, ERUPTING WITH SCREAMS AND CRYING SO LOUD I CANT HEAR MYSELF, BUT YET I SEE GLASS BREAKING FROM THE SHEER SOUND OF MY SCREAMS, WHAT AM I EXPERIENCEING CAN BE FOR REAL. SO TELL ME AGAIN WTF YOU JUST SAID TO A MOTHER WHO JUST GOT TOLD HER SON IS DEAD????? WHAT THE FUCK.......
I can't get the sound out of my head and the wonder of the
sounds at the funeral home while we made your plans we sat above a very loud swishing sound that maybe nobody else paid attention to, but with every swish my heart was stabbed over and over, This is believed to be the machine filling my poor baby's body with a solution to make it so I couldn't ever hug you, hold you in my arms like it should be.
GOD TREVOR! OH MY GOD! GOD DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT. This time that seems to linger in slow motion without you is so torturous. I DON'T know how people go on, not get passed it cause I know that is impossible in my lifetime, but just breathe another day without crazy thoughts or totally losing my mind, ending up in a padded room rocking back and forth with emptiness.
I know you were all about science and were open about it not scared to share what you believed in sometimes to the point of an argument.
Maybe religion would help some, I guess if you do believe the words of the wise priests, pastors, and helpers of god. Maybe praying to whatever god is believed in makes it easier. Whoever that may be.... He/She didn't prevent this pain for us, they can't fix this,cannot take this pain away and NEVER bring you back and if he/she stole you to do some good deed upstairs like a lot of people have said and or say your did what you needed to do here as they say. Pardon my French to my friends who believe, In no way do I mean this with any disrespect because if you know me you know I DONT JUDGE YOU ANY OF YOU for your beliefs and SORRY if it offends, but if in fact that were the case... If it was your time..... WHICH IT WAS NOT!!!!!
whoever it is IS A ASSHOLE. So those of you who pray may chose to pray to save me. As far as I'm concerned I have a don't give a rats ass attitude for something that may or may not be in his/her control. Please keep praying hard because my pain is far past my give a shit. If there is a heaven and there is a choice to let me in the good white pearly gates with white clouds and life forever or the bad burn in hell because I cursed him then Hell wouldn't be any worse than what my insides are like , the never ending stabbing feeling in my heart so whatever the hell is, its nothing compared to the hell I feel and live.Sooooooooooo it doesn't matter to me.
I still try to be a good person and be as good of a mom to your brother. I try to think rationally and believe it isn't gonna fix things for me to leave this earth. Yes there have been those moments of irrational thinking, more than I'd like to admit. I couldn't leave pain to those who love me especially your Brother and your Dad. I don't think I could do that by not giving them the choice of thrown more pain in their faces. Kinda like we didn't have a choice and we were thrown into a life I never thought I would have, know or live. I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE TREV I KNOW THAT, BUT IT IS SO VERY HARD TO NOT BLAME YOU TREVOR. MAYBE THE DRUG TOOK YOU OVER QUICK MAYBE BREAKING YOUR BACK IN FOOTBALL AND THOSE DRUGS STARTED IT, MAYBE COLLEGE LIFE FED INTO IT. I DON'T KNOW AND IT IS THE WHAT???????? I HATE, HATE , HATE. I KNOW YOU DIDNT CHOOSE THIS PAIN ON US, BUT AS FAR AS WE KNOW NOBODY MADE YOU DO IT. YOU WERE RECKLESS AND INDISTRUCTABLE, OR YOU THOUGHT. YOU ULTIMATELY PUT THE EVIL INTO YOUR BODY. IT STILL KILLS ME THAT I DIDNT SEE ANYTHING. I HATE THAT YOU HID IT SO WELL. YES THESE LETTERS ARE IN CAPITALS CAUSE I AM YELLING SILENTLY AT YOU WITH NOT JUST A LUMP IN MY THROAT THE SIZE OF THE WORLD, BUT A SCREAM A SECOND AWAY AND TEARS THAT NEVER SEEM TO STOP. Whether I'm smiling or not they are there always. I feel them even if they aren't streaming down my face.
Maybe therapy helps some to cope somehow. I found no help to go to a stranger and cry the blues of my life about you, crying and saying the same things at every appt and yet I felt no release, no better, It didn't make it easier to not miss you, to not have images in my head of the permanent one of my dead son, It really didn't help me sleep better, It didn't help me to feel like my chest is not exploding and so many other things it supposed to help with.
I love my friend ONE WHO WAS A HUGE PART OF YOUR LIFE. I love her determination and caring and love for us and you. She like others wants to help in any way she can somehow, some way she hoped it would help. reaching for some sort of something, anything I know probably feeling useless, but grasping in hopes of somehow helping me. I appreciate every second of thought for me,about me and trying. I tried energy help release, acupuncture mixed with raki and a shaman or gentleman who releases bad energy waved his hands over me and chanted with gongs and chimes in the dark with calming sounds. I tried so very hard to relax and let something take over like a magic of some sort, but in turn had nothing felt nothing. At the end of our session He told me he feels m energy is good..... I'm ok. ???? OK???? He must of really mixed my energy with someone else's. lol.
I vent, share and let go in this blog, but at the end of these writings I seem to be left with the same questions / unanswered, the same feelings of dismay, the feeling of can this be true,be my life, Is this my reality, left with a excruciating pain that takes over my whole being, makes me body and mind so very tired, so exhausted cause I'm so just so very tired of this life, I just want it to go away and ultimately I am left WITHOUT YOU TREVOR. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO VERY MUCH THERE IS NO MEASUREMENT OF THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
