As my eyes are opening in the fogginess of waking no matter what time waking up for the day , being woke up or with yet another dream or nightmare. I think to myself it was juuuust a dream.....As the fogginess wears off I literally can feel reality slap me with full force in the face. My eyes well up.... I think to my self today has to be better right?, PLEASE let it be easier, less a feeling of my heart shattering feeling that pain of every single sharp edge exploding inside me taking my breath to a stand still. I breathe in an it is glued there until I let out the first silent whimper and flush of air that escapes trying not to scream outloud yet again this CANNOT BE HAPPENING!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OH GOD YOU ARE GONE TREVORRRRRRRRR. I fully am in reality now reminding me that another day without you here, realizing yes I am without your smiling face, without your voice, the laughs you will give today, and that 1st hug of the day whether it be 8am or 1pm.So yes work days I get out of bed and push through another day, Why Trev cause I have no choice......Bills need to be paid, people count on me. Even going thru the motions you are right there in the forefront of my mind. I want you there Trev and you will never be out of my mind. I just want to be able to be able to see, hear and deal with the day with a lighter pain, I want to give your brother the mom he deserves. I don't want to be preoccupied by this pain. He deserves more and I should be able to focus fully on the here and now and be about him. I am so proud and so happy and love him so very much I just think to myself he has to feel left out if you will, like GEZ Mom I'm still here ya know. I don't love him any less because of this in fact I couldn't I love him more and more everyday for who is is, who he is becoming, what he has accomplished and continues to accomplish and his true perseverance in life. It is just so hard to explain almost impossible Trevor to explain the guilt I have because you have taken me apart and the whole Old me is gone. I just feel like I am not the mom he deserves. I cant help to have that bit of anger that you have taken me and broken me apart and the pieces are giving the image of a person, but it not together, its not me and I cant seem to find myself, I want me back TREVORRRRRRRRRRR I know you didn't do this on purpose but YOU DID IT YOU LEFT ME HIS WAY.
If I am woke early I lay suspended in thoughts or after a dream about you, something to do with you or with you. I immediately get up and write it in the beautiful journal that Audrey gave to me. I then go back to bed and there I lay. I try so hard to go back to sleep and maybe some days I do because I am so exhausted but its after some time, most times I cant go back to sleep whether it be a half hour after going to bed, midnight, 2- 3am ( which is when I usually wake up or dad wakes me because I am sobbing uncontrollably) It could be a dream where I see you and am so happy but inside my mind even in the dream I know you are dead, or with you talking to me real in the flesh but in the end it is only to know its not real for as much as it seemed to be.
SO I LAY EYSES OPEN OR CLOSED and it starts
THE RACING
the first time you got a forensics award, doing your Santa Claus forensics speech, your spiked blonde hair with flowers for your teacher, parents night for football, you and your brother sitting in your playroom at the ages of 1-2 years of age, getting your first set of tubes,people speaking at your funeral, learning to ride your bike by yourself for the first time, your geography bee saying a gondola was from Poland when your best friend was Italian, visions of my baby as people walked by paying their last respects, getting your tonsils out, wondering where you were the day we couldn't find you and you wouldn't answer your phone, sitting with our first dog on the kitchen floor and in the kennel, walking around with your butt crack hanging out after your first birthday party, going thru the millions of pics for your funeral boards, sitting next to a huge Paddington bear in your crib, 8th grade football practice at Greendale high school, using a axe to cut branches that fell in the front yard, learning to use the rider to cut the grass for the first time, your track meets, winning a coloring contest at the library when you were in kindergarten, going to make arrangements at the funeral home and seeing you for the first time laying motionless with Auntie Becky, Uncle Kevin, Your Brother and Dad, and Amanda, hurting your ankle in St Francis game in jr hawks, you first homecoming, you singing at a honor society awards, being inducted into the national honor society with Chesca, Visiting you everyday at the funeral home till your funeral, the speech you gave about coach Palama in 6th or 7th grade banquet for jr hawks, swim lessons when you were about 6years old, having a crush on Maria Lucio, hanging out a the fennigs with your friends and the guys with capes like super hero's, all the kids who filled our home and your bedroom the day we found out you were dead, going to cool waters with T-bone, Randi, Kyle h, Amanda f, taking you snowboarding, having to tell the lady at the funeral home to fix your make up it didn't look right, REALLY ???? I shouldn't be doing this, your dad posing with you as you were a month old, going to see your first concert, you in the incubator on al lighted blanket with you foam sunglasses on, How I can feel my heart hurt with the beats it takes, getting a hematoma in a high school game at Browndeer and not wanting to come out, you and your brother at Disney world, sitting with me in bed after you and your brother made me breakfast in bed for mothers day, breaking your finger at 8 and having a infusion for you platelet defect, your concert at elm dale with a circus theme when you were in 3-4th grade, playing catch with your dad and brother in the backyard, becoming vice president of the national honor society, leaving for you people to people trip that you were nominated for in 8th grade, running into the car mirror thru the garage in West Allis when you were 5-6 and cutting your right eyebrow and needing stitches, Laying in your underwear under the Christmas tree as we were decorating it, building a airplane, cub scouts at a retirement home you playing chess with one of the women residents, the excitement of going thru your stockings at St. Nick, Graduation, Moving you to Minnesota, and leaving you there the first time.
I could go on and on and on and on but this Trev is what goes thru my head in no order what so ever just constantly swirls wildly in my head with my eyes open, closed, sleeping or not, crying or not smiling or not everyday and minute you have been gone.
I sometimes find my self thinking I just don't want to do this anymore, I JUST DON'T, I is so much work to open my eyes another day and take that 1st Breath of Pain
