I️ remember these days so clearly, how you and the boys were still so silly , happy and oblivious to the reality of the big bad world. Not yet ready to jump out of the nest, what I thought was the safe haven of your moms wings protecting you from all that I possibly could. Filling your mind, trying relentlessly to teach YOU things to keep you out of harms way. Tried to give you all the knowledge I could to keep you away from the dangers of the world . Trying I TRIED TREVOR!!!!! to keep you safe, hoping you would just think before acting and just to be scared enough to do things that would take you away from me. I've watched all your guys grow into men. YOU SHOULD ALSO BE TREVOR, YOU SHOULD NOT BE DEAD. I SHOULD HAVE TO HAVE THIS UNDESCRIBABLE PAIN THIS OVER POWERING PAIN. You are the one that is supposed to be included in the common things they r all still sharing.
I️ can’t even express how pictures and memories cause such a rollercoaster of emotions. Remembering... shreds my heart and makes my days and a lot of simple things confusing,makes my mind foggy and let’s not forget about the sobbing, screaming out loud , muffled and silent. I️ wish the smile from those pictures and millions of memories would stay and erase the nightmare I’m NOT suppose to ever see, experience or feel. I️ wish there was a book, some sort of directions, words of comfort. WHY CAN'T THERE BE SOMETHING????? I know most don’t understand, but wish I didn’t feel so fake or like I am lying when ask the kind and caring question of “How R u, Pete, Kyle ?” I have become pretty good at sugar coating my outer self, because there’s no reason to bring others down with me. I️ WISH so badly that there was a thing called the END, But it’s really just a flood. I’m trying with ALL my might to stay above the waves, grasping at the liquid that is supposed to let you float, but it doesn’t pull you up, but let’s the gravity continue to drag you further and further down. I️ can’t find the log strong enough to hold me long enough to catch that breath or sigh of a calm/pause. In my smiles and laughter I just feel the that sinking feeling, the panic, the fear and the ultimate feeling of despair. I am just simply drowning Trevor, drowning a little bit more everyday. I want to tell you that I love you, that I don't approve of your choices, that I am angry that you didn't share with me YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE TO TRY AND HELP YOU TREVOR. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY TREVOR.
