Trapped

Trevor I MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM EVERYDAY ALL DAY. There is NOT NOT 1 SINGLE DAY I DON’ T CRY, SOMETIMES ALL DAY ONLY TO WIPE THE TEARS AND BE NORMAL WHEN OTHERS ARE AROUND. TO SOB IN THE SHOWER WITH THE WATER BEING LESS THAN THE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE. MY HEART IS SO BROKEN, NOTHING MAKES IT BETTER, NOTHING MAKES IT EASIER,NOTHING MAKES WHAT HAPPENED OK, NOTHING TAKES THE VISIONS/ NIGHTMARES AND TEARS AWAY. TIME........ TIME some people say..... ONLY HAS MADE IT WORSE, I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU, I AM SUPPOSED TO ENJOY LIFE LIKE IT WAS, IM SUPPOSED TO NOT HAVE ANGER & GUILT. I HATE THAT I DIDN’T SEE THIS, I HATE THAT I WASN’T GIVEN A CHOICE, A OPPORTUNITY TO HELP YOU, I WOULD OF GIVEN MY LIFE TO SAVE YOU, JUST LIKE I WOULD YOUR BROTHER.

OTHERS GO ON AND ARE NOT TORMENTED BY ALL OF THIS. THEY ARE ABLE SAY YOUR NAME WITHOUT A WHIRLWIND OF HORROR RUNNING THRU THEIR MIND, SMILE THINKING OF YOUR ANTICS, ABOUT SO MANY THINGS, I THINK OF YOU AND WANT TO KEEP SMILING, BUT IN AN INSTANT THAT SMILE TURNS TO TEARS AND SILENT MANIAC SCREAMS WANTING TO FALL TO THE GROUND BANGING MY HEAD. I GO ON WITH LIFE IN A MESS OF MENTAL HELL. LIVING EACH DAY LOVING YOUR BROTHER WITH ALL I HAVE, TRYING NOT TO BE SCARED FOR HIM TO LIVE HIS LIFE. IT IS SO EASY FOR OTHERS TO TRY TO GIVE ADVICE TRY TO MAKE IT SOUND BETTER? I AM LIVING IN A MESS OF HELL AND WITH EVERY BREATH THE QUESTIONS ARE THERE WITH NO ANSWERS TO FILL IN THE BLANKS. I CONTINUE TO BE TRAPPED IN SO MANY WAYS
I JUST LOVE AND MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH.