If I could, I would only have 1 Christmas wish , just 1 that is all I would need.... It is all I want to be able to have. I know it is not possible and I HATE IT , to this day even though I know its real there is still a disbelief to this whole new life I have. Everyday is torture but the holidays are so extremely hard. I think about your famous Santa hat that you wore EVERY Christmas. I see your smile and hear your laugh, I just wish I could hug and kiss you, smell your scent that has slowly disappeared from all your room. I smell your things desperately searching for the slightest of your scent and when I don't find it I am crushed to the ends of the earth. Today Dad and I went to brunch as we do every Sunday. We drive down chase to get to KK and every time we drive past the 1st funeral home you were at my stomach feel like its being hit with a huge sledge hammer over and over and then I feel like I'm going to throw up. That is the funeral home we went to,We sat in a room in a total haze and picked flowers walked thru a room with caskets, picked a signature book, cards and had to write a obituary. A obituary Trevor something I should of never had to do. It is where we first were able to see you.
After the planning we were asked R U READY????? R U READY they ask, Yes, No..... No I want to make sure its real. Its a mistake it has to be...… we were lead to the double doors that the director opened slowly and with much hesitation I moved forward with my head down. Reaching the threshold lifting my head slightly and looking to the left I saw you laying there. Immediately everything went numb. IT WAS YOU! HOW COULD THIS BE TRUE? I froze, started shaking and screamed your name, Noooo, Why? With every all sight and sound that memory is etched and tortures me everyday.
I know my only wish in this whole life will never come true and it hurts hurts so terribly.
I miss you which saying it doesn't even touch the surface of how much.
I love you Trevor Love you so much
<3 Momma
