A Decade without you

 A DECADE without you.

     I have been living the same nightmare for 10.......10 years Trevor!!! A DECADE, yet it seems like just 24hr ago you took your last breath without any knowledge. I can't even believe it's been 10 years since you died of an overdose. ugh......I can say overdose but still feel like throwing up my insides with my legs feeling like they've disappeared out from under me.  The screams of that day Echoe over and over and over in my mind. It is a constant fight or flight, a terrifying feeling of desperation.

    An overwhelming panic is part of my day to day. Trying to forget, to not see...visions of horrid things. squeezing your eyes shut tight Unfortunately doesn't diminish the horror. I feel like I’m suffocating, and it hurts sometimes just to take shallow breaths. My chest physically hurts. This devastation has taken years off my life. I can’t imagine what kind of damage to my health the stress, anxiety, grief and PTSD has done. The chronic pain is real and feels enormous. weird but the lightest I feel is when given surgery drugs.

    I thought in the beginning I could deal with this loss by myself, take care of it internally and... I was going to become A mom, THAT mom... the one who looks put together, so full of life. Able to enjoy life to a certain extent. I was going to be that STRONG woman, CELEBRATE you, LIVE for you, show I could handle my grief. I thought it was going to fade like other deaths I've experienced. I WAS SO VERY WRONG, SO VERYYYYYYY F-ING WRONG. I'm not afraid to admit that I should have sought out help, something.... some sort of group, therapist. I should have reached out the support from friends, community friends, family...! right?  It is very easy to say "(if you need anything.)" but it is extremely hard for the receiver to act on it. 

    There are outlets and circles of support, but I neglected those outlets because NOBODY knew/knows MY pain. They can empathize, but every situation is completely different even with those who have lost their children/child. Then there is the anger, the frustration it brings, the emptiness, A void that echoes on and on and on. The guilt continues to eat me from the inside out. It's easy for others to give advice on how I shouldn't feel guilty, but they have not lost a child. They don't understand the complication of it all. I am grateful most times that they don't know the devastation, but inside there are times I just want them /someone to just GET IT. To know just an ion of the pain and how it consumes you, every part of your being, with every breath you take it feels as though there are shards of glass piercing every organ and your insides feel like I would imagine like a hollow point bullet feels.

    I have spent months in residential mental health facilities and still today struggle with suicidal ideations. Honestly feel I've come a long way since the day you died.  Gosh 1 step forward at a time and then bam 20 backwards. The struggle is so real, but there has been some change. Others also say they notice changes and see a difference in certain aspects of my life too. In all honesty, I am still far from O.K. Every day is a constant uphill battle. It's extremely hard when you finally come to realize every day that I wake up to another day without you. It truly is pure torture, the kind you would rather just die than experience. 

    The distance in years of healing doesn't equate to the heaviness of the loss. I became heavy June 29th of 2015, and the heaviness seems to have gotten immensely heavier with each passing year. Some have and will say it will get better, time heals ALL wounds, you will learn to live a new life.... Hmmmmmm NEW LIFE... That always came across to me as a fresh beginning. There is not a fresh beginning when losing a child. I have come to realize {not accept} but, that I will never be O.k. Losing you has changed my life FOREVER Trevor. That day replays in my mind 24…...7 every second I am awake the agony is a constant. Visions are horrid. I could be having a conversation with anyone and at the same time, that day, your funeral and days after re playing in my mind. My mind is foggy, my memory shit. Any numbness I can get I yearn for; I welcome it with open arms. Any reprieve from reality.

    To this day I could crawl into my bed and stay there as long as I can. I feel like I let Kyle down on a daily with your death as a mother. I feel guilty, because I can't just be his mom. The mom he deserves. I have to be his mom with you, with a pain so deep. The relentless pain again paralyzes me and keeps me consumed with still the what’s, whys, when’s, what ifs. The confusion of how this could even happen is incomprehensible. I don’t think I ever hated anything as much as I HATE Anthony. That is his name…. The loser that lied to the police about what occurred on the night of the 28th. The so-called man who called his Mommy 1st instead of people who may have been able to save you. The admittance of playing a role and the one who never was arrested, confronted with any jail time or any kind of consequences. I know it was your decision, and nobody forced you to take Xanax and Heroin. I know you didn’t take your life on purpose. I know you would be devastated knowing what this has done to me. Days are dark even on sunny days. Anger is ruthless and it’s more than just mad, upset or furious. What I wouldn’t give to spend just a few minutes alone with him…. just a few. I want him to suffer like I am, like you did.  I want some sort of justice that will never come.

    I not only grieve you Trevor but, I grieve the person I used to be.  I can't remember any day in this last ten years that I have been truly Happy since you died. No being content, never truly relaxed, no sense of calm. I’ve abused medications and THC trying to find a way out, but it never comes and all it brought was more mental anguish, added to my depression and anxiety and cause withdrawals and lack of sleep which aren’t something you want on top of the slew of challenges I struggle with.

    Life was so easy, so happy, complete.  I was so content with our lives 10 years ago. I struggled with mental health, but nothing compared to what this addition of grief and severe PTSD has caused. Dissociative flashbacks....... What? never knew they were a thing. Yep it's like literally leaving your body and stepping into the shoes that I was in that day. You lose reality and can't respond to others trying to help you. You shake uncontrollably and scream. You lose the ability to sniffle, and your nose runs profusely. Your body tense's up and you get so rigid when you come out of it you are in a lot pain and your extremely EXAUSTED. With every horrible vision, memory you RE-LIVE it all, breath for breath or not breathing at all. 

    Looking back, we had it all…. My children living and breathing. The sunken feeling in my stomach thinking about how you died utterly destroys me. The visions of the unknown creep in and I make up my own nightmare and it eats me from the inside out. This 10 years have brought an exhaustion nobody should ever feel. I’m soooooooooooooooo tired of it all. The destruction this has caused is irreversible. I can’t get beyond the fact that you are gone.

The Nevers of the present and future are torment.  Watching those who surrounded you are moving forward, getting married, having children, being successful, having fun with your friends and there is NOTHING for you. No voice, No Trev facial expressions, No laughs, No jokes, No sarcasm, No picking on your little brother, No soft kisses or tight warm hugs.

This is just a small reflection of the last ten years. A part of my soul is now GONE. I continue Hold memories dear and love you unconditionally. I continue to be completely depleted physically and mentally. it is not forgiving at all. If you have gotten to the end of this, I appreciate you allowing me to vent and share.

 I'd like to thank those of you who still keep us close, who stay in touch who include us in your lives. The simple messages or call, even greeting cards, those who still share stories and speak our baby's name, those who are my rocks, my soul sisters, still many of our greenfield families and community and I'm so grateful for Kyles friend's love, contact and supporting us and my baby, and ESPECIALLY Trev's friends staying in constant contact and loving us, supporting us. It would have been easy to just detach without Trev as our connector, but they didn't. We may not say it enough, but it is TRULY appreciated and fills our hearts.