Holiday Sadness

              TREVOR...................................... The holidays are now past.  Another year not having you here, another year of a pain I could of never of thought could exist in my life. I hate that I know the existence of this pain, this heart break, this life. It is extremely hard to celebrate knowing there is a huge void in our family. Knowing how much and real Ky's pain is without you. We didn't even put a tree up last year and this year it went up ONLY because we had children coming to our home. We spent time with family and made it thru hour by hour. Many tears were shed in my down time and most times I felt it so hard to conjure up a smile or have a face that wasn't showing the real feelings of pure agony. Many times my heart constantly pounded so hard and I felt out of breath trying to keep it together as my heart was wrenched, twisted, without it even being physically touched. There was a permanent lump in my throat and me wanting to scream was like a tea pot whistling at full blast. The biggest joy of this holiday was of course seeing any smile that your dad or brother showed
           Last night I lay in bed like hundreds and hundreds of nights before. As my mind raced like every other second in my life. I felt like I should vent put into words some of my thoughts without screaming at the top of my lungs. Silently I typed as my eyes fill with tears and my throat felt like it could explode from the pressure of the emotions being held in.
        
fb post from January 8th
Like many nights I lay here in the pitch black with my eyes wide open with visions of the good and the most horrifying. I've been laying here for 2 hours. I HATE this EMMENSE PAIN my heart has, that life is so very unfair, That at times I feel so betrayed and i'm so mad at you, but miss you so terribly and then feel horrible for my anger. I HATE that I cant blame someone for your ultimate stupid fing decision, I HATE that you werent scared of pushing the limits, I HATE that I didn't see SOMETHING....... I HATE that you weren't saved, that Your Mom the one who is supposed to protect you could not save you, I HATE that my mind NEVER shuts off reliving that day, the disbelief, the words of " Trevor is dead!!!!!" I hate 1 last text to you with only silence in return. I HATE that everyday is that day playing over and over with no reprieve, no pause, just runs rampad thru every neuron of my mind. I HATE that I cant hug you and tell you how much I love you, I HATE that you will be forever 20. I HAAAAAAATE THAT U R NOT HERE TREVOR!!!!!

         I in between the millions of visions and darkness of our room with the hint of moonlight shining thru the window I pleaded silently to have a interaction with your spirit, find you at the side or end of my bed like others have claimed to have seen with their family members or loved ones. I at one point was caught off guard and caught frozen breath held and thought for a second in time thought there was a dark figure at the door. Only to refocus, join reality again and remember it was your dads suit for his X-Mas party this coming Friday.
        I want so badly to have you here back in my life, WHAAAAAAAAAT? I KNOW ITS STUPID, DUMB UNREALISTIC, NOT AT ALL POSSIBLE, JUST DREAMS WISHES THAT WILL NEVER COME TRUE. I want so badly to have something, JUST SOMETHING with you.... of you. I want true visits, I want to see you even if it is a figure and I cant actually touch you. I want your being to be alive, WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY CANT I JUST HAVE 1 WISH LIKE IN THE MOVIES??????? JUST ONE IS ALL I WOULD ASK FOR.  This coming weekend is your balloon release to celebrate the day you blessed me/us with your life.  Its weird cause I don't want to celebrate, don't really consider it a celebration if its not fun, happy everything is great, life is perfect because you are not here and that is nothing to celebrate. BUT I do love having people come together, to see that you haven't been forgotten by everyone. My heart is touched knowing people still love you too even if your still not here, they support us and it is so wonderful to know we have so many behind us, and there to try to help with the unknown, because they don't know what to do or really say and we don't know what anyone can do, THERE ISN'T ANYTHING AND THAT TRULY SUCKS

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND THAT CAN BE CELEBRATED AND CAN'T EVER BE SOMETHING TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.
              I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW TREV.......