The start of a New Year ???? My life is Angelas words

by Angela Miller

. . .
A new year
used to be
hope for a chance
to make all that was wrong,
right.

But what is
a new year
when none of the wrongness
of losing you
can be made right?
. . .
What is new about a year
when the one thing
I wish to change,
the one thing
I’d give my life
to change,
cannot be changed,
or undone,
no matter how
many New Year’s resolutions
are thrown its way?
. . .
I cannot say
‘Happy New Year’
anymore.
It is simply one more
painful reminder
that I could do without,
one more slap in the face,
that it’s been another
three hundred and sixty five days
of “living” without you.

Another year
of trying to survive
the endless minutes, hours, days,
months,  years,  without you.

Another year
of battling the heartless
clichés thrown my way.

Another year
of listening
to people’s bullshit
about “time healing all wounds,”
and “God needing another angel
so he picked you”–
. . .
Another year
of people ignoring
your very existence
on this earth,

Another year
of learning how to be
the best parent,
the best mother,
to you,
my oldest son
who never grows older.
. . .
Yes, a new year is
another blank book
of pioneering–
of still mothering you,
my dead child,
the best way I know how.
. . .

Meloncholy

Being home alone silence on the outside and loud babbling thoughts on the inside

 

Tis the season to be happy, joyous, and celebrate , be grateful for things in your life and love those around you. Smile at the millions of great memories and look forward to the millions more to be made.

It is not a pity party I ask for and I don't share to bring attention to myself or the nightmare our family lives. A part of me does share to bring attention to the pain and devastation it brings to those left behind. I just vent sometimes and I guess I feel if people read instead of a silent diary it somehow is healthier. Maybe someone is as lost as me and feels this this vast desolate being lost on the moon feeling and I just want it validated. Maybe it is the support even though it doesn't change me right now and who knows if it will it is appreciated. I don't know maybe there really is no reason I just do it and feel that maybe a individual dealing will see it, maybe a family member will pass it along to one of their friends and MAYBE , JUST MAYBE it will reach someone and save someone another parent because their loved one has realized oh god that is a horrible existence. Or I those who know me will read and just be there for me no matter what and for those who don't really care well....... they wont take the time to read my sometimes lengthy depressing desperate novels.

 

I am not able to describe or make you fully understand the pure devastation and agony I endure on a daily basis. Only those who have lost a child can grasp it. A parent understands their void and the void another must be feeling yet each individual loss is different and none like the other. As everyone's relationship has its own dynamics. Each loss is different its own way and for each experience and circumstance has its own repercussions in ones mind and soul, so in actuality you really don't know what they are going thru or feeling, you don't understand how some are or seem better than you or deal with it in a better way than you. In the back of your mind you know they are hurting but to the extent well that is a mystery to everyone but them.

 

There is a indescribable guilt that you have because in your mind your husband cant mourn the way you think he should because you are a complete disaster and although you are there to support him in every way you possibly can, he is there making sure you remain as sane as you can in the midst of what you wish was unrealistic life. He is like the strongest piece of concrete on earth. I am so lucky for this so far could have torn us apart, we could resent one another for one thing or another that we said to Trevor or something we think should of been dealt in a different way. I could be alone and yet we are together loving each other, holding on to one with the strength to not let the other fall into a no return mode.

 

You are sincerely and truly grateful for those you still have in your life. You not only love your other children as much as you did, but it is a different love them more... than you ever could ever imagine (more) being. You realize that you thought you made every second count, but in reality you can make it all count so much more. You study their mannerisms, the subtle facial expressions, the way their hair lays, watch them sleep, the way they say things you want to learn all there is to know. You don't want to not know something, You are TERRIFIED that it could be taken from you in a instant and you will be left with so many more voids than just not having them to fill that spot that belongs to them and them only. You are so very proud of their accomplishments, the future that will bring them fullness, the ultimate happiness and success. You want to give them every ounce of yourself. give THEM, the living breathing soul everything since they deserve it all and their is only them to be able to give it to. You feel guilty because although they are here you are unable to let that other half free to concentrate your whole self on the person who is still aware, able to feel and be loved. There is always a question of do they really know how much you love them, because you are so utterly lost, and consumed with what should be and can never be again.

 

You want so very badly to be who you once were and yearn to have that fullness and feeling of being whole. you also mourn the person you were.

When ( the those around you) is minus one utterly important piece of you, the one who should be laughing, joking, enjoying his auntie Becky's Oreo bark and wearing his Santa hat. you are beyond overcome by all emotions, Melancholy I believe its the word. The missing piece, they are a part of your everyday life, the thoughts good, bad and horrid, the questions and wishes , the what ifs and should ofs, the guilt YOU TRY TO TELL YOURSELF NOT TO HAVE and the (words) of I KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT are said over and over, but your heart tells you something totally opposite. The guilt everyone tells you not to have NEVER goes away. It is burrowed deep and eats at what feels like the already shriveling part of your heart. It brings the feeling of lightheadedness and suffocation. gasping on the inside, That fading into blackness and the feeling of being on the brink of passing out. You want that to be so and when you come to you have your old life back.

 

Unfortunately the old life is not able to return, it is never going to be the same. and all you can hope for is whatever that something is other than the misery you feel. What it is exactly, what could it feel like and will it ever come.