The start of a New Year ???? My life is Angelas words

by Angela Miller

. . .
A new year
used to be
hope for a chance
to make all that was wrong,
right.

But what is
a new year
when none of the wrongness
of losing you
can be made right?
. . .
What is new about a year
when the one thing
I wish to change,
the one thing
I’d give my life
to change,
cannot be changed,
or undone,
no matter how
many New Year’s resolutions
are thrown its way?
. . .
I cannot say
‘Happy New Year’
anymore.
It is simply one more
painful reminder
that I could do without,
one more slap in the face,
that it’s been another
three hundred and sixty five days
of “living” without you.

Another year
of trying to survive
the endless minutes, hours, days,
months,  years,  without you.

Another year
of battling the heartless
clichés thrown my way.

Another year
of listening
to people’s bullshit
about “time healing all wounds,”
and “God needing another angel
so he picked you”–
. . .
Another year
of people ignoring
your very existence
on this earth,

Another year
of learning how to be
the best parent,
the best mother,
to you,
my oldest son
who never grows older.
. . .
Yes, a new year is
another blank book
of pioneering–
of still mothering you,
my dead child,
the best way I know how.
. . .