I know I am not directly or remotely connected to this recent Florida shooting, but I am struggling with this mentally. It has affected me like just a knife in the chest emotionally. I know there have been other shootings that are just as tragic and I am not dismissing them by any means or dismissing those that are affected by the trauma of being involved. I look at the faces of the people, but the focus of the faces of these young children immediately stings my mind and heart. That then brings all my still raw emotions to the very place at the top of the surface I try so badly to keep underneath. These children should be laughing, hanging out with friends, learning, loving their families. They should be living, breathing and being able to be hugged and loved in the real time in the now.Not being remembered, REMEMBERED.
The memories of yesterdays and their fresh faces will rush thru the minds of their parents. All their memories will flash at a pace you never thought your mind could go. All the laughs, cries, smiles, accomplishments and then all of the everything that they should of been able to continue to make and do. As their mind races with all of that it is also preoccupied with the most horrible unreal things they are experiencing and will..... Arriving to the place where your dead child lays for you to actually see what you repeat over and over in your head can't possibly be true. Where you walk with great hesitation thru a doorway till your eyes meet the sight of their lifeless body and then you lose every sense of EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in this whole universe.
The disbelief is like a airplane propeller slapping you in the face like a nuclear bomb. You can't even think of controlling a single ounce of your whole being,. First gasping for any air that might be able to squeeze thru the almost non existent airway, trembling, barely able to keep yourself from collapsing again like when you initially heard the words you should NEVER hear, and then the CRYING AND SCREAMING.............. Out loud - inside like fire raging thru the trees it is endless and you CAN'T STOP. The words that are coming out you can't even hear because the scream is still echoing in your ears, yet the permanent silence that comes from your dead motionless, cold child is deafening. THEN...... You have to leave them there. The longest couple hours of your life.... the daunting tasks of planning to put your child in a casket, pick flowers, a signature book, remembrances cards what to put on them and trying to write a obituary, something so everyone would know how amazing they were, but there isn't enough room and everything you would want to say would deplete your retirement savings because it is all so ridiculously expensive.
Picture boards who will do them? will I have to? do I want to? Do I want anyone else do them when I was the closest thing to being one with my child. You want them perfect or as perfect as you can make them in the zombie like state your in . Going thru picture after picture so many to even choose from. The memories again flooding like a fast forward x100. Your brain can't keep up with the millions of things speeding thru your numbness. Plain and simple you feel as though your insides are like the grand canyon and everything is so loud but muffled at the same time, you feel like you want to throw up, Your eyes hurt, your nose raw, your head aches and your whole body feels a pain like no other. Your heart feels like it is going to burst or explode like from solid rock to dust.
Without experiencing the movie scene your body feels literally like someone rammed their clawed wicked hand into your chest and ripped the only thing that kept you alive.
Oh yes! Lets not forget Mr. & Mrs. please remember to bring a couple pictures for reference so we can make your dead child's face look as close to being alive as possible.
The several hours spent at the actual funeral are like a out of body experience. This isn't happening, that is not my child, this is just a bad horrid nightmare..................but in the unrealistic view you sure as hell know you don't ever want to leave the side of that casket, Don't want to leave them because this is the only time you have left. THE ONLY TIME TO BE ABLE TO SEE , TOUCH ,TALK AND HAVE THEIR BODY THE BEING YOU MADE, KNOW THAT RIGHT THEN THEY ARE STILL WITH YOU. YOU STILL HAVE THEM THEIR BEING.AND THAT LAST TIME WITH YOUR CHILD, THE CHILD YOU CHOSE TO SHARE FOR THSOE HOURS ARE SO LONG YET GO TO COMPLETELY FAST.
You thought the hell was happening and it has been but the very last kiss, touch or whisper is now again the beginning of the new hell you have to live.
***** So there is the first mom to do an interview she is standing there, she starts talking, I know she is totally numb you can see it, she is a shell the shell I still feel like. EMPTY eyes distant and still in disbelief even though she is reliving every moment as her mouth moves. I feel my breath held and feel the rage. My body already tense and my heart beating a million miles a minute with the tears streaming down my face before she even has one word spill from her lips. I want to lose my mind screaming I want to throw things, She talks..... wanting so badly for someone to make this better to help her to make the pain go away but there is nothing NOTHING that can be said or done. Her world has come crashing down and she losses her mind starts talking louder and then yelling and screaming for anyone to hear and respond. The desperation in her voice is heart wrenching and my chest hurts, I can't hold in the vibrations of the hard crying,
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/15/politics/mom-pleads-with-trump-after-daughter-slain-in-school-shooting-newsroom-brooke-baldwin-cnntv/index.html
I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP SO MANY NIGHTS I CAN'T EVEN COUNT, I WAKE AND CAN'T GO BACK TO SLEEP BECUASE THIS IS MY LIFE/NIGHTMARE.
IT IS ME. THIS IS WHO I AM EVERYDAY, EVERY MINUTE EVERY SECOND. INSIDE THIS IS ME. WHILE HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE ,WHILE GOING OUT WITH FRIENDS, HAVING COFFEE, WHILE WATCHING TV, SHOPPING, DRIVING IN THE CAR, LAYING IN BED, GETTING UP SHOWERING, CELEBRATING MY ONLY SON LEFT ALL HIS WONDERFUL ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND THE THINGS HE IS BECOMING THE JOY HE GIVES ME AND THE LOVE I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE I HAVE FOR HIM. . I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WHAT I AM, WANT TO DO WITH EVERY BREATH I CAN TAKE.
THE STRUGGLE SO VERY REAL, THE PAIN EXCRUSIATING, NEVER ENDING AND ITS NOT GOING ANYWHERE EVER.
She knows your brother and his picture sits on the table to the right. She bent again and looked and him and smiled and looked at me, but again turned and stared at your picture and she looked at me like ( hey it's Him )and waved and waved again. Immediately I felt my breath stop and the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I could not help myself from breaking down. My heart was so touched from the endearing look she gave to you. I of course and beyond sad but this gave me a overwhelming feeling of you being in your room. I have seen several times her waking up and she stares at a certain point in your room and laughs and chatters. Is it you that she is seeing, hearing, chatting with somehow. 
If it is you why can't I have you with me, and know for sure. I want to see , hear and feel you are here with me. I want something more concrete than just half thinking ok yea You are around ,but really I just don't know for sure.