Mothers Day has past and this is late, but as time goes on I have no new words. This day I sat holding you crying my eyes out, cradling this hard cold container with you inside, I laid on your bench thinking how this can be true, how this is so unfair yes selfish and WHY ME? WHY YOUR DAD? AND WHY OUR BROTHER?. I sit and lay sobbing out loud probably with the whole neighborhood hearing me. I didn't care Trevor.
I cry EACH & EVERYDAY whether it be inside or out. the cry's are sometimes soft and muffled. a lot of times they are muted as to hide them in the shower or other room as to not bring attention to myself even now from your brother and your dad. Only to come out nose full of snot and eyes swollen and painful. Sometimes it is uncontrollable out loud and loud enough you think the windows should be closed and if they are closed everyone still hears me. NOTHING < NOTHING is closes o being like what its the constant in my mind. When I talk , When I laugh, When I shop, When I lay in the sun, When I am on vacation, When I am with my friends, When I am day dreaming my nightmare, When I am laying in your bed asking you why, When I am talking to your empty room, your pictures, When I am silently dying inside, I literally feel my body melting away, When I am holding your Dad as he cry's or holds it in because I am a total train wreck, When I am loving your brother being proud of him, TRYING to LIVE FOR HIM TREVOR. YOU NOT BEING HERE SUCKS EVERY OUNCE OF ENERGY THAT I HAVE. Most times the cry's in my mind they are screeches , screams so loud, most times they are ear piercing wretched sounds of extreme pain, the brink of death tortured sounds, sounds that are so loud you can't hear yourself, like you can't be living, Breathing not even in your mind. Your whole being hurts, your moods are swirled, your facial expressions have become something you don't want to accept. I know other people may like, care and love me, but that honestly is not enough. MANY, MANY times it crosses my mind to leave this world, to end the sounds, feelings, visions and the beyond extreme pain. Why can't I be like other's who let their life live because they know their loved one would want that. It is this life I feel I only exit for just 2, 2 people....Your dad and your brother. Sometimes I think my pain and heartbreak that I bring upon them, the unstableness, the person that I can't be mental-ness would be something they could get over...... Nope , NO NO I KNOW it is not true and that is what keeps me here. I WILL NOT DO THAT TO THEM ONLY...ONLY because I know what pain and devastation it would bring them. I know I have read other's feel like I do, but it isn't me, it isn't my own feeling, its not the pain I live from losing MY son, OUR relationship, It isn't the unrealistic life I live, my own pain, the pre curser of my mental illness.
Yes This is me saying it and those who read this will now know, only a few actually knew of until now. Something I feel people will think I'm crazy like oh goooood from the title of it, , looked at as being a threat, is one of those people for, Something I am even though I have said it, am ashamed of, Something I feel is judged no matter who you are and how much love you have from the people you know, and don't really know, Something that even with medication is sometimes out of control, Is something that just adds to this living hell I can't let go, can't get better from, that I feel I will be stuck in this mode that rest of my life from. It is still 4 years later thinking god Dawn!!!! REALLY? GET OVER THIS, PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF HEARING IT, WHY AM I SHARING?? I DON"T EXPECT PITTY AND PEOPLE REALLY DO THINK THATS WHY I AM TALKING< CRYING< FEEING< SHARING. AND THEN I think this is not even happening right, This really can't be my family, the son I thought I knew, The son that was close to his dad, Who I thought was close enough to his brother, Who I thought was close to me, Who I thought I taught right from wrong, Who I thought I scared enough TREVORRRRR to say no to the very things that killed you. WHO I THOUGHT COULD COME TO ME WITH ANYTHING WHO COULD ASK ME FOR HELP, GIVE ME CHANCE TO HELP TO SAVE YOU... WHY WEREN'T YOU THAT SON????? TREV WHY?????
I still think sometimes....When will you come home, when will you call me, come home and tell me shitty days of work, tell me stories of his friends that would make me laugh, that would say stupid T.V phrases and laugh about, wrestle with your brother and dad, sass back to me , be crabby , be loving, funny, crazy. Who would leave silly and loving notes out of nowhere, WHO WILL COME IN AND HUG ME < KISS MY CHEEK< TELLLLLLL ME HE LOVES ME. Who will leave me another text, A text I don't have to say with fear and terror, the unknown NEVER TO IMAGINE IT WOULD BE YOUR DEAD, A text I can respond to..... Will you be home for dinner, Dad's making, How was work, Going to bed and I LOVE YOU TREV!!!!
Instead of WHERE R U???? PLEASE TEXT ME WHERE R U????
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