I love u Trev xoThursday, March 7, 2019
Black Balloon Day
Yesterday was yet another reminder why my life is still while the world around me goes on, like mine used to. Picking up your urn to hold on my lap while I talk to you, or what's left of my baby seems so extremely heavy. Although compared to my heart it is definately lighter. People commented to remind me that you wont be forgotten. I know that is true for some, but WHY is it so often only when I let my feelings of total devastation out or vent with full diarrhea of the mouth that your name is mentioned. How many times is your name really said or mentioned outside of comments? My fear has trickled in Trev, nobody comments on your Facebook except for maaaaybe a handful of people. Your name has become silent and not mentioned to me unless mentioned by me first. As your dad says...."Dawn we can't expect others to grieve Trev for the rest of their lives. It is our burden, our job to suffer the rest of our days with this gaping open wound. People move on and we are not given that opportunity that luxury of true, carefree happiness. Living to still try to nurture your little brother is what we have. We are so extremely proud of who he has become, we know his job is secure and we are by his side for whatever he may need, but it's the unknowns that give me the extra guilt. Why cant we have our lives back, why cant he argue with you, why cant you make fun of him cause I KNOW he would take any amount of irritation just to have you back. There are so many uncertainties in my life, so much fear, so much guilt past, present, future. I'm not the mother he should have, I'm not the mother I wish I could return to, I dont want to be this person, but it's easier said than being able to do. I am falling asleep because of course I didnt sleep worth a shit so naptime.
I love u Trev xo
I love u Trev xo
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Why and when, when, when will it stop
I've been scared to share the true raw, the true misery in fear of people taking things the wrong way, that people will be mad, that I will be hated, looked down on like I'm a bad person for who I've become or not understanding the true impact or damage and what I'm filled with.
But I sit by myself alone this morning in self pity and true misery diarrhea of the brain and mouth.
I have shared my story my feelings. I have been raw for people but never honestly raw. I want to be better,
I hate who I have become. My inner self is so self conscious and I dread going out with even my closet friends. I've tried Therapy and it didnt do anything to help me. Maybe it was too soon. I felt like this younger woman although nice I was resentful because she has both her children that she was going thru her professional motions that shes been schooled on, not knowing the first f- ing thing about what I am feeling, thinking and how I just want to die because I'm completely devastated. I hold so much in because I dont want my husband to worry more about my fragile emotional state. Or how my younger 23 year old son who is 11.5 mo younger than his dead brother is feeling or thinking that he never shares or shows. I know that they werent the same kind of people but he NEVER initiates I love yous, when I hug him it's as though he doesnt even like it or really reciprocate. Trevor used to be soooo loving to me, say I LOVE YOU MOM, HAVE THAT ENDEARING LOOK, GENUINELY MAKE ME FEEL LOVED. Sometimes I can go out and fake it great that I want to b there. Then theres times like last night where we r out with friends, who support me, but there r also people I dont know. I'm reserved in my state of complete fog, I cant fake I'm having a good time and I dont mingle. I think about how I just dont want to be there and I feel guilty because I feel like I'm stealing the time my husband can have. It doesnt help that nobody makes an effort to mingle with me either and I feel invisible and alone. Maybe it's because they think I need my space or they notice and dont want to set off the tornado of what could be a breakdown although I've not ever totally melted down or what they would know is a full breakdown, then I feel guilt because I expect them to try to save me from drowning. I used to be fun. Bubbly, outgoing and know how to live life free and completely and truly happy. I dont tell my husband how often I think to myself how better off I feel they would be if they didnt have to worry about me how I wouldnt feel like I'm sucking the life out of him and my son by living this new hated person I am. In the same thoughts I think I could never do it because my husband is amazing and I would hate to think of how he would be alone cause he would not start over, that I am told constantly that I am his everything and how it's better or worse that there is nobody else he would want to be with. How he would not continue our plan to move to the Caribbean in 8.5 years when he retirers. I want that life too, feeling it would help me, but it's so far in the future I have to suffer more till then. And maybe I'm living in a fantasy world and I'll continue my miserable existence for what seems like eternity. I recently retired from my own licensed child care buisness because of so many health issues and I'm just so exausted from pain, surgeries and let's mix in all the lovely new emotional issues anxiety, darkness, a broken heart, the complete guilt of not being able to see my son started doing drugs, that I didnt save him and how I feel like my younger son resents the person I am now, ontop of already being bipolar and predepressed. I would NEVER wish this pain on anybody, but I feel I'm becoming more bitter and angry. Why my son when others are given chance after chance and 4,5,10 lives, a neverending jealously that other parents have their kids that are Trevor's friends and people in my life can enjoy their lives. Everyone's life keeps evolving and my life seems to stand totally still as everything around me circles is the happy world. Trevor died June 29th of 2015 at 20 years old of a overdose at a home of a person I didnt know. He just never came home and I thought nothing out of it till his girlfriend came to our house cause he never showed for work. How she and my younger son left to see where he could be. How I NEVER even for a second thought he could be in a morgue laying cold and lifeless. How No I never received a call or personal notification that there was anything wrong and after almost 7 hours later I had to finally contact the police office thinking maybe he was in a car accident or arrested, for could be what I didnt know and still how even when I contacted the police station and they just told me I should come and even pulling into the parking lot seeing his girlfriend on the front steps crying it still NEVER dawned on me that he was dead until we reached those steps and she said TREVOR IS GONE!!!! Like arrested? And then my younger son walked out of the door looking like the life had been sucked from his being and he confirmed with words. Like in the movies my life was shattered I collapsed to the concrete, life went black, screaming so loud I couldnt hear myself, people staring at me cause I was beyond controllable. I am still in disbelief that there were over 2000 people who were at his funeral how there was a 1.5 he wait to get to us. How we took up 2 rooms full seats with standing room packed, like a amusement part twisted lines. I greeted EVERY person and for every young person asked them to never do this to their parents, how those parts are hazed because I was drugged on one of the 2 very things that killed him. The only CLEAR AS DAY MEMORY I HAVE IS MY HUSBAND DRAGGING ME, MAKING ME LEAVE MY BABYS BODY. HOW I FOUGHT TO TURN MY WHOLE BODY AND TUG AWAY, WITH MY HUSBAND HOLDING ME TIGHT AS I PLEADED TO LET ME STAY AND GUIDING THE BODY THAT COULD COLLAPSE ALL OVER AGAIN. INSTEAD OF JUST MY HEAD STRAINED NEVER TAKING MY EYES OFF OF MY SON LEAVING HIM ALL ALONE , HIS FACE BLOTCHY FROM PEOPLE RUBBING HIS FACE, KISSING HIM AND THE SERVICE GOING ALMOST AN HOUR AFTER OUR ENDING TIME, LOOKING AT HIS FACE FOR THE LAST TIME TILL I ROUNDED THE DOOR AND HE WAS OUT OF SIGHT. Then to go to the funeral home crematorium to watch his casket being rolled into the huge burning vault, knowing I was burning my baby, but knowing if I buried him he wouldnt physically be with me every day. I want so badly and still sometimes feel like this could be a dream and hes gonna come thru the door with his big brown eyes, smile and hug me. I WANT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING TO NOT LIVE EVERYDAY IN THIS EXISTENCE I HATE LIVING IN. I DONT BEGRUDGE THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN THEIR OWN GOD OR HIGHER BEING. IN MY WORLD THERE IS NO HIGHER BEING TO HELP ME, THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE, HIS TIME HERE WAS NOT DONE, THERE IS NO PURPOSE ANYWHERE FOR HIM TO HELP, WHAT HIGHER BEING WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ALL STEAL MY BABY, RIP HIM FROM MY LIFE IN AN INSTANT. NO IN MY LIFE IS A OVERCAST OF DARKNESS AND MISERY. I WANT OUT, IM TIRED OF THE PAIN, BUT I STAY TO KEEP MY HUSBAND AND SON FROM MORE PAIN. WHY, WHY WHY? ITS NEVER ANSWERED. WHEN, WHEN WILL IT END?????
But I sit by myself alone this morning in self pity and true misery diarrhea of the brain and mouth.
I have shared my story my feelings. I have been raw for people but never honestly raw. I want to be better,
I hate who I have become. My inner self is so self conscious and I dread going out with even my closet friends. I've tried Therapy and it didnt do anything to help me. Maybe it was too soon. I felt like this younger woman although nice I was resentful because she has both her children that she was going thru her professional motions that shes been schooled on, not knowing the first f- ing thing about what I am feeling, thinking and how I just want to die because I'm completely devastated. I hold so much in because I dont want my husband to worry more about my fragile emotional state. Or how my younger 23 year old son who is 11.5 mo younger than his dead brother is feeling or thinking that he never shares or shows. I know that they werent the same kind of people but he NEVER initiates I love yous, when I hug him it's as though he doesnt even like it or really reciprocate. Trevor used to be soooo loving to me, say I LOVE YOU MOM, HAVE THAT ENDEARING LOOK, GENUINELY MAKE ME FEEL LOVED. Sometimes I can go out and fake it great that I want to b there. Then theres times like last night where we r out with friends, who support me, but there r also people I dont know. I'm reserved in my state of complete fog, I cant fake I'm having a good time and I dont mingle. I think about how I just dont want to be there and I feel guilty because I feel like I'm stealing the time my husband can have. It doesnt help that nobody makes an effort to mingle with me either and I feel invisible and alone. Maybe it's because they think I need my space or they notice and dont want to set off the tornado of what could be a breakdown although I've not ever totally melted down or what they would know is a full breakdown, then I feel guilt because I expect them to try to save me from drowning. I used to be fun. Bubbly, outgoing and know how to live life free and completely and truly happy. I dont tell my husband how often I think to myself how better off I feel they would be if they didnt have to worry about me how I wouldnt feel like I'm sucking the life out of him and my son by living this new hated person I am. In the same thoughts I think I could never do it because my husband is amazing and I would hate to think of how he would be alone cause he would not start over, that I am told constantly that I am his everything and how it's better or worse that there is nobody else he would want to be with. How he would not continue our plan to move to the Caribbean in 8.5 years when he retirers. I want that life too, feeling it would help me, but it's so far in the future I have to suffer more till then. And maybe I'm living in a fantasy world and I'll continue my miserable existence for what seems like eternity. I recently retired from my own licensed child care buisness because of so many health issues and I'm just so exausted from pain, surgeries and let's mix in all the lovely new emotional issues anxiety, darkness, a broken heart, the complete guilt of not being able to see my son started doing drugs, that I didnt save him and how I feel like my younger son resents the person I am now, ontop of already being bipolar and predepressed. I would NEVER wish this pain on anybody, but I feel I'm becoming more bitter and angry. Why my son when others are given chance after chance and 4,5,10 lives, a neverending jealously that other parents have their kids that are Trevor's friends and people in my life can enjoy their lives. Everyone's life keeps evolving and my life seems to stand totally still as everything around me circles is the happy world. Trevor died June 29th of 2015 at 20 years old of a overdose at a home of a person I didnt know. He just never came home and I thought nothing out of it till his girlfriend came to our house cause he never showed for work. How she and my younger son left to see where he could be. How I NEVER even for a second thought he could be in a morgue laying cold and lifeless. How No I never received a call or personal notification that there was anything wrong and after almost 7 hours later I had to finally contact the police office thinking maybe he was in a car accident or arrested, for could be what I didnt know and still how even when I contacted the police station and they just told me I should come and even pulling into the parking lot seeing his girlfriend on the front steps crying it still NEVER dawned on me that he was dead until we reached those steps and she said TREVOR IS GONE!!!! Like arrested? And then my younger son walked out of the door looking like the life had been sucked from his being and he confirmed with words. Like in the movies my life was shattered I collapsed to the concrete, life went black, screaming so loud I couldnt hear myself, people staring at me cause I was beyond controllable. I am still in disbelief that there were over 2000 people who were at his funeral how there was a 1.5 he wait to get to us. How we took up 2 rooms full seats with standing room packed, like a amusement part twisted lines. I greeted EVERY person and for every young person asked them to never do this to their parents, how those parts are hazed because I was drugged on one of the 2 very things that killed him. The only CLEAR AS DAY MEMORY I HAVE IS MY HUSBAND DRAGGING ME, MAKING ME LEAVE MY BABYS BODY. HOW I FOUGHT TO TURN MY WHOLE BODY AND TUG AWAY, WITH MY HUSBAND HOLDING ME TIGHT AS I PLEADED TO LET ME STAY AND GUIDING THE BODY THAT COULD COLLAPSE ALL OVER AGAIN. INSTEAD OF JUST MY HEAD STRAINED NEVER TAKING MY EYES OFF OF MY SON LEAVING HIM ALL ALONE , HIS FACE BLOTCHY FROM PEOPLE RUBBING HIS FACE, KISSING HIM AND THE SERVICE GOING ALMOST AN HOUR AFTER OUR ENDING TIME, LOOKING AT HIS FACE FOR THE LAST TIME TILL I ROUNDED THE DOOR AND HE WAS OUT OF SIGHT. Then to go to the funeral home crematorium to watch his casket being rolled into the huge burning vault, knowing I was burning my baby, but knowing if I buried him he wouldnt physically be with me every day. I want so badly and still sometimes feel like this could be a dream and hes gonna come thru the door with his big brown eyes, smile and hug me. I WANT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING TO NOT LIVE EVERYDAY IN THIS EXISTENCE I HATE LIVING IN. I DONT BEGRUDGE THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN THEIR OWN GOD OR HIGHER BEING. IN MY WORLD THERE IS NO HIGHER BEING TO HELP ME, THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE, HIS TIME HERE WAS NOT DONE, THERE IS NO PURPOSE ANYWHERE FOR HIM TO HELP, WHAT HIGHER BEING WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ALL STEAL MY BABY, RIP HIM FROM MY LIFE IN AN INSTANT. NO IN MY LIFE IS A OVERCAST OF DARKNESS AND MISERY. I WANT OUT, IM TIRED OF THE PAIN, BUT I STAY TO KEEP MY HUSBAND AND SON FROM MORE PAIN. WHY, WHY WHY? ITS NEVER ANSWERED. WHEN, WHEN WILL IT END?????
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