Black Balloon Day

Yesterday was yet another reminder why my life is still while the world around me goes on, like mine used to. Picking up your urn to hold on my lap while I talk to you, or what's left of my baby seems so extremely heavy. Although compared to my heart it is definately lighter. People commented to remind me that you wont be forgotten. I know that is true for some, but WHY is it so often only when I let my feelings of total devastation out or vent with full diarrhea of the mouth that your name is mentioned. How many times is your name really said or mentioned outside of comments? My fear has trickled in Trev, nobody comments on your Facebook except for maaaaybe a handful of people. Your name has become silent and not mentioned to me unless mentioned by me first. As your dad says...."Dawn we can't expect others to grieve Trev for the rest of their lives. It is our burden, our job to suffer the rest of our days with this gaping open wound. People move on and we are not given that opportunity that luxury of true, carefree happiness. Living to still try to nurture your little brother is what we have. We are so extremely proud of who he has become, we know his job is secure and we are by his side for whatever he may need, but it's the unknowns that give me the extra guilt. Why cant we have our lives back, why cant he argue with you, why cant you make fun of him cause I KNOW he would take any amount of irritation just to have you back. There are so many uncertainties in my life, so much fear, so much guilt past, present, future. I'm not the mother he should have, I'm not the mother I wish I could return to, I dont want to be this person, but it's easier said than being able to do. I am falling asleep because of course I didnt sleep worth a shit so naptime.

 I love u Trev xo