It's been so very long since I have felt like sharing on the blog. I forget how painful it is to start a new post. I question if I want to dive into stories, thoughts, feelings. I start with a numbness, and then my fingers reach the keys and I start to type. I don't know why I try to block the feelings, because it's inevitable that they will push the gates wide open and the flood of emotions takes over.
As I sit here and contemplate what I want to get out today I think to myself why do this to yourself? Why do you want to get upset and end up feeling so full of loneliness for you Trev and the agony of so many things that have come with losing you. It brings a enormous sadness, one that is so completely painful I never thought there could be a level such as this.
It's been so long Trevor, yet it seems like just yesterday that I heard the dreaded words that destroyed who I used to be forever. 1948 Days you have been gone. It doesn't seem like a huge number by just looking at it, but IT IS! It is 5 Years 3 Months and 29 Days. I never thought I would have to live my life without you in and knowing it's forever gives me the sickest feeling and the deepest of sorrows.
I never thought Pain could bring me to think , say, do so many things that a person should never think about. Knowing that those things can destroy a persons very existence, and can bring loss and devastation and change lives to those who love me, yet I attempted. Not so long ago I took a scissors to my wrist. The whole time thinking I don't want to bring pain to those who love me, but I also don't want to feel this pain anymore. In those same thoughts also thinking all my mental health issues would disappear with one simple act
