Thanksgiving and everyday

IT IS NOT OK TREVVVVOR!!!!! LIFE IS NOT OK, I AM NOT OK. PRETENDING, COVERING TRYING IS SO EXAUSTING.

I wonder does it all matter????

                    TREVOR,  I went to bed last night barely able to keep my eyes open. I had short periods of sleep waking on and off all night. I woke more awake not able to sleep peeking over your dad to see the clock....... at 3:09am. Maybe it is hard or impossible to know that waking before I can even open my eyes you are the first thought in my mind Trev. My eyes well up, the screaming in my head starts and that day plays over in my head the moment I couldn't believe I was hearing, the moment I looked into your brothers eyes as he cried, the moment your brother and dad grabbed each other tighter than ever, the moment I fell unable to feel myself, like it was a scene from a movie IT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES TREVOR!!!!!!!!!! My stomach drops, my heart hurts and I DREAD GETTING OUT OF BED TO FACE THE REAL WORLD..    
                     I am so grateful for your dad and I am extremely blessed to have your brother, but waking is so extremely hard not wanting to get out of bed everyday. This morning hearing the rain is calming to some and maybe in the past it would of been something I didn't even think about. It today is not a calming sound, it is knowing it was not going to be a sunny day weather wise, making it even more difficult than the days before to raise my body and get my legs off the side of the bed. I laid there closing my eyes trying to make myself believe its gonna be a better day. I picture you and your smile, wishing I could hear your voice. I beg with all my heart knowing what I want is not possible.
                     As I work today on my birthday I cry and luckily I only have the babies so they don't don't care or notice. I think to myself ........"IT IS JUST ANOTHER DAY" MY AGE IS ANOTHER YEAR , BUT MY BEING IS SO MUCH OLDER, MY HEALTH STRUGLING, I CANNOT BE MYSELF, THE SELF I WAS, I AM UNABLE TO BRING THAT BACK TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!! I am stuck in a hell like no other. I KNOW FOR REAL that you are not here and are not coming back yet I find myself constantly wanting, wishing, begging to the all mighty whoever that  I would give ANYTHING, PLEEEEASE just give you back to me.
                         I am wished so many happy birthdays and well wishes. I read them and think to myself I appreciate the thought's I really and truly do, but IT DOESNT MATTER, EVEN IF IT WAS SUNNY, TODAY IS JUST ANOTHER DAY, SO I AM A YEAR IT TIME OLDER, I FEEL YEARS OLDER THAN I SHOULD MY HEALTH IS SUFFERING. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME THAT ITS MY DAY, I DONT MATTER, THE DAY IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE, NOTHING MATTERS MUCH EXCEPT ITS ANOTHER YESTERDAY, TODAY, HOUR, MINUTE, SECOND I BREATHE THAT I DON'T HAVE YOU HERE. THE PAIN I HAVE, THE HEART BREAK YOU LEFT ME TREVOR . THE AGONY LIKE NO OTHER IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE.
                           
 I WISH YOU WERE HERE, I REPEAT IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER TREVOR, YOU LEFT ME BROKEN, SO BROKEN I FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO REPAIR, TIME GOES ON BUT STANDS STILL

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                         I JUST LOVE YOU..................................................... XOXOXOXOXOX

My Baby

                I woke up crying so extremely hard this morning. I couldn't stop Trevor. I grabbed my dream journaling book that Audrey bought me. I ran out of the book that you wrote your stories in from the many dreams and nightmares that I have had since you died.
                I went to the bathroom to write planning on going back to bed laying there trying to get the horrible visions out of my head, screaming to my self in my mind, begging for something, something that tells me why Trevor..... Instead I couldn't control my sobbing it only got louder and louder as I sat on the toilet waiting to calm enough for my hands to stop shaking to write. Your dad was awake wanting me to calm down. I CANNOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like he is just saying be quiet!!!!! I know he does it because I get so out of control sometimes where I can't breathe which then it brings on a asthma episode. Even when I physically stop it NEVER stops inside. I can be talking to someone about something, may be looking right at them, maybe laugh, smile talk and all the while that screaming is going on in my head. IT DOES NOT STOP, DOES NOT TREVOR...........................
                So I went to your room grabbed one of your pillows sat holding it as tight as I could I always end up rocking and crying doing a somewhat silent scream into it. I sat there forever crying looking at all of your things, the things still left in your room just like it was when you died, well except its dusted vacuumed and cleaned up.  I look at your pictures from one of the funeral boards I made and hung in your room still hold your pillows, clothes anything I can draw your scent from.  It is the only thing I have tangible that is you.
                  I just HATE that I can't have you home. I would take a filthy room, no gas in the car, you just being lazy I WOULD TAKE ANYTHING....... I think to myself I would even take you back at the funeral home the first day we saw you, the numerous times they let us visit before your funeral and the night of you funeral. I would take back those hours minutes seconds and cherish having you whole being able to touch you your face EVEN to talk you no with no answers I am exhausted missing you hating this new life Trevor
                  Remembering all these moments of the video and those apply to watching you grow, holding you watching you. All the moments that I should have WILL NEVER BE. I will always have the memories and pictures and movies of my baby but those don't even compare any to what could of been that was stolen from me.

https://www.facebook.com/todayparents/videos/10154040297262984/?pnref=story 

BE SCARED !!!!

Trev this is yet another post i shared about what and how your fearless life left us.
What hot hell I breathe EVERY SECOND I inhale and exhale NO MATTER WHAT I LOOK ON THE OUTSIDE

As I lay here again up since 3ish I sob uncontrollably remebering the emotion and love shared this night. Not just then but always. Although there was space in between with your different things going on in your lives. You were always there for each other. There wasn't any question of how much Trevor loved you Brayden Campagna I believe he would of done ANYTHING for you. EVERYTIME not just because Trevor is dead but since this picture was taken I cry everytime seeing this. This picture showed the raw, unedited, true emotion of love between friends that there is. He considered you a brother, and even though we dont see u as much consider you a part of our family. I am sorry you share part of our agony, I wish he would of told u something and if he did I wish we would of known to try and save the soul he apparently was being drawn into.
 I WANT TO SAVE YOUR PARENTS from the hell that Peter and I are living. We thought we would know.... You would think you would see, but THERE WAS NO APPARENT SIGNS, TREVOR WAS SMART, HE WAS PART OF DARE, TAUGHT FROM EARLY ON, HE WAS GIVEN INFORMATION TO MAKE SMART CHOICES, HE KNEW THE DANGERS.

**PEOPLE NEED TO BE SCARED!!!!
**PARENTS U NEED TO KNOW THIS COULD BE YOUR CHILD!!!!
** I WAS A THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO US, TREV IS HONEST, DOESNT HIDE THINGS, HAS TOLD US ALOT OF THINGS A CHILD WOULDN'T TELL THEIR PARENTS. .......BE NOSEY, CHECK ROOMS,  ASK QUESTIONS. READ AND LEARN THE SIGNS THE LINGO, WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, ITEMS TO USE....STRAWS, ENDS OR CORNERS OF CREDIT CARDS, BAGGIES TIED OR RUBBER BAND WITH A SMALL POCKET AT THE END, INSIDE BOOKS THAT MAY BE CUT OUT INSIDE. IN AREAS OF CARS.... ASHTRAYS POCKETS, GLOVE COMPARTMENT, ITEMS THAT BE ABLE TO HOLD A TINY BAGGIE
 IF YOU PAY OR HAVE ACCESS TO PHONES GO THRU, TEAR ROOMS APART!!!!!
IF U SUSPECT DONT CARE IF YOUR KID GETS EXTREMELY PISSED AT YOU.
IT IS YOUR HOUSE AND IT COULD SAVE YOUR CHILDS LIFE.
PARENTS.......... DONT BE PISSED IF A PARENT IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAY SOMETHING TO U EVEN IF YOU DONT SEE ANYTHING.
PLLEEEEEEEEASE DONT BE SCARED TO DO ALL THIS OR ASK, QUESTION. DON'T BE NIEVE AND THINK NOT MY CHILD
************BECAUSE ***** IT CAN BE********* YOUR CHILD OR YOUR CHILDS FRIEND.

I DONT WANT TO SEE U LIVE MY LIFE.
THIS LIFE THAT FEELS NO DIFFERENT THAN THE DAY I HEARD TREVOR IS DEAD!!!!!!!
 HOURS OF SLEEP OR NOT SLEEPING, EEEEVERY WAKING HOUR, WORDS THAT HAUNT EVERY MILLISECOND I BREATHE, THE CONSTANT IMAGES OF FEELING A PART OF THE SKULL OPENED, KNOWING YOUR CHILDS BODY HAS BEEN CUT INTO, EMPTIED AND THROWN BACK TOGETHER, YOUR CHILDS FACE SEWN /GLUED SHUT LAYING MOTIONLESS NEVER TO TALK, SMILE, LAUGH, INHALE OR LOVE U EVERRRRR EEEEVERRRR AGAIN.

THE SILENCE...............

                       Recently our cousin Gail made a comment that I received beauty in our family. I truly do appreciate the compliment I really do, but not only body and especially mind, I feel I have aged right before my eyes this past year. I am extremely blessed to have your brother and your dad and LOVE THEM PAST INFINITY and grateful for the love they give to me along with the support. Also I am blessed to have a world of others who have been there for me/us. I have been told and I honestly know that I have much to live for, but there are tears that stream down my face with a endless pain. That ball in your throat that feels like you can't swallow, me trying not to scream at the top of my lungs with agony.  There is a darkness that surrounds and torments my days and nights. The unfixable excruciating pain that reshatters my heart with every breath I take. IT IS Sooooooo unbelievable and proves to be the nightmare I never thought I would much less have, but LIVE, the one I have to live without you Trevor.

                     I still to this day in a unrealistic world, my subconscious mind, my daydreams think sometimes if I stare long enough at the door you will come in. I think you will walk thru for me to see that mischievous smile of yours and pep in your step your go get em or do anything outgoing personality and your truly loving spirit.

                      If I just PLEAD RELENTLESSLY PLEEEEAASE , IF I CLOSE MY EYES TIGHT ENOUGH OR HOPE HARD ENOUGH, OR BELIEVED THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES. IF I BELIEVED OF A HIGHER BEING, IF ONLY MY PLEA'S WERE HEARD CAME TRUE.

      INSTEAD I PLEAD TO COMPLETE SILIENCE, IT IS SO DEAFINING AND GO UNANSWERED. COOOOOOOOOOOOOME ON TREVOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just ask 1 thing, just 1 wish, onnnnnnnne thing the only thing in the world I want.

                       

 I just want you to walk in, thru the door appear there so I can touch you. come back thru what some say the light. Like in the movies WISH HARD ENOUGH TREVOR, TALK TO YOURSELF SAYING I CANT GO YET, MY MOM AND DAD AND BROTHER CANT LIVE WITHOUT ME, IT WOULD CHANGE THEIR LIVES FOREVER, MY MOM WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME NEVVVER, SHE WOULD BE LOST, WHAT WILL MY BROTHER DO FEEL, MISS. WHAT WOULD DAD SAY HOW MUCH HE WOULD BE MISSING, IT WOULDNT MAKE SENCE FOR ME TO GO. SOOOOO I WANT TO GO BACK, JUST TAKE ME BACK TO THE REAL WORLD. I JUST WANT YOU TO IN THAT LIGHT KNOW YOU ARE WANTED AND LOVED. JUST BREATHE TAKE THAT BREATH, PPPPPPPLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE OPEN YOUR EYES.

                 YOUR MOM IS BEGGING YOU PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASE

REACH FURTHER, GRAAAAAAAAAB MY HAND HONEY, TREVOR WALK BACK INTO MY LIFE LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY CAN'T MY LIFE BE A MOVIE?????

WHERE IS OUR HAPPLY EVER AFTER????

WHY IS IT WE WERE GIVEN THIS NIGHTMARE TREVOR?????????

 I JUST WANT TO HEAR, I WANT THAT ANSWER, NO I WANT THIS TO BE A NIGHTMARE WE CAN WAKE FROM

MY HEART BREAKS AND CRYS, MY CHEST SO HEAVY KNOWING NOT ONLY DO I NOT HAVE ANY ONE LAST ANYTHINGS

BUT MY NOW'S WITH YOU ARE SILENT AND GONE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

STANDING STILL

                            Its been awhile since I last talked to you here. It isn't that I haven't talked to you, it's just been other places a lot in your room, sometimes not knowing what to say cause its all been said before, its bee thought and felt. Sometimes by your tree I lay on your bench and look into the sky the emptiness that I feel. I just sit and stare at your tree still wondering why US yes.... US. I know there are other families, but I don't at this point care so much about them I don't want ours to be one of those statistics. I hate this torture, sadness, emptiness, PAIN, PAIN describes everyday without you. PAIN describes the stabbing feeling that is in my heart EVRY DAY, PAIN is what we live without you. I CAN"T STAND THIS TYPE OF PAIN. I think the pain of cutting my leg off without being numb would be less than this pain I have.
                            Every time I see a picture of you I remember your smile, but want so badly to HEAR YOU, HEAR YOUR HUMOR, YOUR LAUGH, YOUR VOICE.  I wish I had a message from you to listen to over and over. Instead...... I have a text on June 29th 2015 of .......  WHERE ARE YOU?  TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE R U? That is all I have Trevor. We do have movies from when you were young, but I want now, I mean then, I mean BEFORE, BEFORE all this silence. All I hear is the screaming I have done, the crying I have done, the noise in my head of saying over and over I want you to be here, to have you ALIVE. It is repeated even though I know it is not possible. ALL I CAN SAY IS THIS IS SO UNFAIR, SO HARD, SO NUMBING, SO CATASTOPHIC, THE PAIN UNDESCIBABLE. 
I CONTINUE TO STRUGGLE AND WILL TALK ABOUT YOUR TOURNEY SOME OTHER TIME, BUT SUPPORT WAS AMAZING AND THE TURNOUT GREAT.
I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU AND FEEL THE PAIN OF THAT DAY AND THE VISIONS SO VIVID IN MY MIND STILL AS IF TIME HAS STOOD STILL.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

My Last Night

On this date 1 year ago we walked into double doors tormented with the sight of u in a casket at the front of an empty room. My baby so handsome, but not a dream as we would of wanted it to be. It was very real as I reached you with trembling everything I draped my arms over you as my face met your chest and then your face. I cupped your cheeks, I spoke to you with no response. You so very cold and no heartbeat to hear. I would of laid there the whole night if I could of. I couldnt, I would have to share this very last night with you with others. I didnt know how mant but it was alot. I really didnt have to, but you deserved to be honored and talked to and prayed over. You deserved the over 4 hours of non stop constant people coming to say goodbye. Hundreds and hundreds over 1000 people cared for u, about u, about us to wait hours I was told to reach, us, you. It still kinda of a haze. I NEVER LEFT YOU..... After it all, the people, the music, the stories the tears, an empty room again held you in the same place. Reality hit my medicated being and I knew then, this was IT, it was the very last time I would see u, your body, your real face, hold your cheeks, kiss my babys forehead and tell you I LOVED YOU OVER AND OVER. I COULDNT BRING MYSELF TO LEAVE, MY BODY STILL, MY MIND SUCKING UP EVERY CURVE, WRINKLE ON YOUR FACE. I WAS NOT LEAVING YOU!!!! I JUST COULDNT LEAVE MY BABY, YOUR MOM IS SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU, TO SAVE U TO KISS YOU AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER. IIIII CAANT ITS DONE!!!!!!! TREVOR!!!!!! THIS CANT BE REALLLL. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. Iwant you to just pop up and say OH MOM IM JUST KIDDING..... IT DIDNT I KNEW INSIDE IT COULDNT. I was slowly moved like slow motion back from you, NEVER TAKING MY EYES OFF OF YOU. I was sobbing uncontrollably PLEEEEEASE PETER!!!!!! PLEASE I CANT, DONT MAKE ME LEAVE MY BABY, as your dad lead me away I kept telling you I loved you, im sorryyyyy, I LOVE YOU ONE LAST AS MY HEART FELL OUT OF MY CHEST AND THE EMPTINESS CAUSED A HOLLOWNESS INSIDE. I LOVE YOU TREV, MOMMY LOVES YOU ONE LAST TIME LOOKING FROM THE SAME DOUBLE DOORS I DREADED GOING THROUGH AT THE BEGINNING OF THAT NIGHT. THE NIGHT I HAD TO SAY GOODBYE FOR THE LAST TIME.