Holiday Sadness

              TREVOR...................................... The holidays are now past.  Another year not having you here, another year of a pain I could of never of thought could exist in my life. I hate that I know the existence of this pain, this heart break, this life. It is extremely hard to celebrate knowing there is a huge void in our family. Knowing how much and real Ky's pain is without you. We didn't even put a tree up last year and this year it went up ONLY because we had children coming to our home. We spent time with family and made it thru hour by hour. Many tears were shed in my down time and most times I felt it so hard to conjure up a smile or have a face that wasn't showing the real feelings of pure agony. Many times my heart constantly pounded so hard and I felt out of breath trying to keep it together as my heart was wrenched, twisted, without it even being physically touched. There was a permanent lump in my throat and me wanting to scream was like a tea pot whistling at full blast. The biggest joy of this holiday was of course seeing any smile that your dad or brother showed
           Last night I lay in bed like hundreds and hundreds of nights before. As my mind raced like every other second in my life. I felt like I should vent put into words some of my thoughts without screaming at the top of my lungs. Silently I typed as my eyes fill with tears and my throat felt like it could explode from the pressure of the emotions being held in.
        
fb post from January 8th
Like many nights I lay here in the pitch black with my eyes wide open with visions of the good and the most horrifying. I've been laying here for 2 hours. I HATE this EMMENSE PAIN my heart has, that life is so very unfair, That at times I feel so betrayed and i'm so mad at you, but miss you so terribly and then feel horrible for my anger. I HATE that I cant blame someone for your ultimate stupid fing decision, I HATE that you werent scared of pushing the limits, I HATE that I didn't see SOMETHING....... I HATE that you weren't saved, that Your Mom the one who is supposed to protect you could not save you, I HATE that my mind NEVER shuts off reliving that day, the disbelief, the words of " Trevor is dead!!!!!" I hate 1 last text to you with only silence in return. I HATE that everyday is that day playing over and over with no reprieve, no pause, just runs rampad thru every neuron of my mind. I HATE that I cant hug you and tell you how much I love you, I HATE that you will be forever 20. I HAAAAAAATE THAT U R NOT HERE TREVOR!!!!!

         I in between the millions of visions and darkness of our room with the hint of moonlight shining thru the window I pleaded silently to have a interaction with your spirit, find you at the side or end of my bed like others have claimed to have seen with their family members or loved ones. I at one point was caught off guard and caught frozen breath held and thought for a second in time thought there was a dark figure at the door. Only to refocus, join reality again and remember it was your dads suit for his X-Mas party this coming Friday.
        I want so badly to have you here back in my life, WHAAAAAAAAAT? I KNOW ITS STUPID, DUMB UNREALISTIC, NOT AT ALL POSSIBLE, JUST DREAMS WISHES THAT WILL NEVER COME TRUE. I want so badly to have something, JUST SOMETHING with you.... of you. I want true visits, I want to see you even if it is a figure and I cant actually touch you. I want your being to be alive, WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY CANT I JUST HAVE 1 WISH LIKE IN THE MOVIES??????? JUST ONE IS ALL I WOULD ASK FOR.  This coming weekend is your balloon release to celebrate the day you blessed me/us with your life.  Its weird cause I don't want to celebrate, don't really consider it a celebration if its not fun, happy everything is great, life is perfect because you are not here and that is nothing to celebrate. BUT I do love having people come together, to see that you haven't been forgotten by everyone. My heart is touched knowing people still love you too even if your still not here, they support us and it is so wonderful to know we have so many behind us, and there to try to help with the unknown, because they don't know what to do or really say and we don't know what anyone can do, THERE ISN'T ANYTHING AND THAT TRULY SUCKS

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND THAT CAN BE CELEBRATED AND CAN'T EVER BE SOMETHING TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.
              I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW TREV.......

Cold.... Dark..... Days

                                       Winter has come and the added depression, the actual physical short dark days and shitty weather is upon me. OH WHAT FUN it is to ride this new life of mine..... It seems as though life gets worse with every passing day, harder and harder. There is NO nothing, NO gifts, NO weather, NO smile, NO hug, NO sunny day, NO words of any kind, NOT any night or day is it better, easier. NO MAGIC PILL. A MAGIC PILL is my wish for X-mas Trevor. I know really Mom...... get real....How dumb right???? Yea stupid dreams and impossible wishes.
                                                                I thought I could multi task before, maybe physically I could, but my mind has become a professional at it with the CONSTANT thoughts of happier days of the past,  along with the horrendous thoughts and visions of the past almost 15 months. In the whirlwind of mess in my mind is also the thought's of  the present and the future Trevor. The future with the void of you. A humongous piece of me, the spot that is yours and only you could fill, the space that is a empty of your smile, laugh, the twinkle in your eyes of witty and humorous personality, and the amazing love you gave to me. I miss your whole being, everything about you, but most of all it is your genuine caring and your affection. When kids hit that age of being embarrassed, or distant from their parents you were NEVER EVER that way. ALWAYS you loved me as unconditional as I love you. If only my unconditional was enough Trev, IF ONLY..........
                                Your dad and I go out, we laugh together and can't enjoy each other enough. He spends time away from the house with his guys because it breaks up the monotony and keeps us from just settling in a chair deteriorating as life passes us by. He forces me to go places even when I don't want to because my friend's love me, and the only thing they can do is smile, hug and love me because there IS NOTHING else ANYONE can do. I do laugh, smile, joke around, but there is ALWYAS the EVIL SADNESS and devastating grief that torments my whole being. It is that of a Harry Potter DEMENTOR, not searching for me because it has already found me, but following me, chasing me, overshadowing me, NEVER letting me relax, breathe, enjoy life to the fullest anymore.
                              The real world is like Wild Fires, Tsunamis and the strongest Darkest Tornadoes filling the space in my head and sucking the life out of me. This year seems so much harder than the last.  Although I think reality is becoming more real as time goes on, the numbness is wearing off and the pain has become overwhelming. How much more overwhelming can it be? I thought it was as overwhelming as it could get. I thought the pain hit the its highest level possible................... I was WRONG TREVOR so VERY WRONG!!!!!!   I could easily lay in my bed with the covers over my head, lay in your bed staring at the walls with a continuous stream of tears down my face listening to the ongoing screaming that fills my mind, the flashes of so many millions of things like a fast forward x5.  I could become a shut in sitting and holding what I have left of you. A COLD HARD CONTAINER MADE FROM PEWTER the storage of your remains.
 
                                        IT KILLS ME TREVOR to look at you, and know your whole body, casket fits inside A JAR. There is no way I could bury you and have visions of you rotting away. I couldn't totally be without you so instead I burned you into pieces, I BURNED YOU TREVOR, I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR TURNING YOU INTO DUST WITH CHUNKS OF BONE, SHARDS that didn't reduce in the 1800 degree oven. I gave them permission to sweep you into a container to be put into a shaker to break up the rest of you into the smallest parts they can. DO YOU REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO ACCEPT NOT ONLY THAT YOU ARE DEAD, NEVER COMING HOME......... BUT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO THE BEING YOU CREATED, CARRIED AND WATCHED WITH AMAZEMENT MOVE INSIDE OF YOU, NUTURED, BIRTHED, HELD, DEPENDED ON YOU FOR SO MANY THINGS ( WHAT SHOULD OF BEEN FOR LIFE) SOMEONE U LOVED AND NEVER PICTURED YOUR LIFE WITHOUT.  I KNOW THE WAY YOU LIVED AND YOU WOULD WANT ME TO MOVE FORWARD MAYBE NOT PAST BUT LIVE ON. YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ME THE CHOICE .........................IT IS NOT FAIR THAT YOU DESEEVED ME, I FEEL SO MANY THINGS. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I GO THRU ON A DAILY BASIS TREVOR. THE TYPE OF AGONY WAS SO UNIMAGINABLE AND NOW I KNOW IT LIKE A BEST FRIEND, IT HAS BECOME INTERTWINED INTO MY BODY AND MIND.  YOU HAVE NO CLUE, YOU COULD NOT KNOW IN A GAZILLION YEARS WHAT THIS IS DOING TO ME.
I WISH YOU COULD OR WOULD OF MAYBE THOUGHT OF THE PAIN IT WOULD CAUSE THE LIFE IF WOULD SUCK FROM ME.
I WISH YOU WOULD OF THOUGHT ALL THIS BEFORE YOU TRIED THE LIFE THAT KILLED YOU.

Thanksgiving and everyday

IT IS NOT OK TREVVVVOR!!!!! LIFE IS NOT OK, I AM NOT OK. PRETENDING, COVERING TRYING IS SO EXAUSTING.

I wonder does it all matter????

                    TREVOR,  I went to bed last night barely able to keep my eyes open. I had short periods of sleep waking on and off all night. I woke more awake not able to sleep peeking over your dad to see the clock....... at 3:09am. Maybe it is hard or impossible to know that waking before I can even open my eyes you are the first thought in my mind Trev. My eyes well up, the screaming in my head starts and that day plays over in my head the moment I couldn't believe I was hearing, the moment I looked into your brothers eyes as he cried, the moment your brother and dad grabbed each other tighter than ever, the moment I fell unable to feel myself, like it was a scene from a movie IT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES TREVOR!!!!!!!!!! My stomach drops, my heart hurts and I DREAD GETTING OUT OF BED TO FACE THE REAL WORLD..    
                     I am so grateful for your dad and I am extremely blessed to have your brother, but waking is so extremely hard not wanting to get out of bed everyday. This morning hearing the rain is calming to some and maybe in the past it would of been something I didn't even think about. It today is not a calming sound, it is knowing it was not going to be a sunny day weather wise, making it even more difficult than the days before to raise my body and get my legs off the side of the bed. I laid there closing my eyes trying to make myself believe its gonna be a better day. I picture you and your smile, wishing I could hear your voice. I beg with all my heart knowing what I want is not possible.
                     As I work today on my birthday I cry and luckily I only have the babies so they don't don't care or notice. I think to myself ........"IT IS JUST ANOTHER DAY" MY AGE IS ANOTHER YEAR , BUT MY BEING IS SO MUCH OLDER, MY HEALTH STRUGLING, I CANNOT BE MYSELF, THE SELF I WAS, I AM UNABLE TO BRING THAT BACK TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!! I am stuck in a hell like no other. I KNOW FOR REAL that you are not here and are not coming back yet I find myself constantly wanting, wishing, begging to the all mighty whoever that  I would give ANYTHING, PLEEEEASE just give you back to me.
                         I am wished so many happy birthdays and well wishes. I read them and think to myself I appreciate the thought's I really and truly do, but IT DOESNT MATTER, EVEN IF IT WAS SUNNY, TODAY IS JUST ANOTHER DAY, SO I AM A YEAR IT TIME OLDER, I FEEL YEARS OLDER THAN I SHOULD MY HEALTH IS SUFFERING. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME THAT ITS MY DAY, I DONT MATTER, THE DAY IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE, NOTHING MATTERS MUCH EXCEPT ITS ANOTHER YESTERDAY, TODAY, HOUR, MINUTE, SECOND I BREATHE THAT I DON'T HAVE YOU HERE. THE PAIN I HAVE, THE HEART BREAK YOU LEFT ME TREVOR . THE AGONY LIKE NO OTHER IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE.
                           
 I WISH YOU WERE HERE, I REPEAT IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER TREVOR, YOU LEFT ME BROKEN, SO BROKEN I FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO REPAIR, TIME GOES ON BUT STANDS STILL

.
                         I JUST LOVE YOU..................................................... XOXOXOXOXOX

My Baby

                I woke up crying so extremely hard this morning. I couldn't stop Trevor. I grabbed my dream journaling book that Audrey bought me. I ran out of the book that you wrote your stories in from the many dreams and nightmares that I have had since you died.
                I went to the bathroom to write planning on going back to bed laying there trying to get the horrible visions out of my head, screaming to my self in my mind, begging for something, something that tells me why Trevor..... Instead I couldn't control my sobbing it only got louder and louder as I sat on the toilet waiting to calm enough for my hands to stop shaking to write. Your dad was awake wanting me to calm down. I CANNOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like he is just saying be quiet!!!!! I know he does it because I get so out of control sometimes where I can't breathe which then it brings on a asthma episode. Even when I physically stop it NEVER stops inside. I can be talking to someone about something, may be looking right at them, maybe laugh, smile talk and all the while that screaming is going on in my head. IT DOES NOT STOP, DOES NOT TREVOR...........................
                So I went to your room grabbed one of your pillows sat holding it as tight as I could I always end up rocking and crying doing a somewhat silent scream into it. I sat there forever crying looking at all of your things, the things still left in your room just like it was when you died, well except its dusted vacuumed and cleaned up.  I look at your pictures from one of the funeral boards I made and hung in your room still hold your pillows, clothes anything I can draw your scent from.  It is the only thing I have tangible that is you.
                  I just HATE that I can't have you home. I would take a filthy room, no gas in the car, you just being lazy I WOULD TAKE ANYTHING....... I think to myself I would even take you back at the funeral home the first day we saw you, the numerous times they let us visit before your funeral and the night of you funeral. I would take back those hours minutes seconds and cherish having you whole being able to touch you your face EVEN to talk you no with no answers I am exhausted missing you hating this new life Trevor
                  Remembering all these moments of the video and those apply to watching you grow, holding you watching you. All the moments that I should have WILL NEVER BE. I will always have the memories and pictures and movies of my baby but those don't even compare any to what could of been that was stolen from me.

https://www.facebook.com/todayparents/videos/10154040297262984/?pnref=story 

BE SCARED !!!!

Trev this is yet another post i shared about what and how your fearless life left us.
What hot hell I breathe EVERY SECOND I inhale and exhale NO MATTER WHAT I LOOK ON THE OUTSIDE

As I lay here again up since 3ish I sob uncontrollably remebering the emotion and love shared this night. Not just then but always. Although there was space in between with your different things going on in your lives. You were always there for each other. There wasn't any question of how much Trevor loved you Brayden Campagna I believe he would of done ANYTHING for you. EVERYTIME not just because Trevor is dead but since this picture was taken I cry everytime seeing this. This picture showed the raw, unedited, true emotion of love between friends that there is. He considered you a brother, and even though we dont see u as much consider you a part of our family. I am sorry you share part of our agony, I wish he would of told u something and if he did I wish we would of known to try and save the soul he apparently was being drawn into.
 I WANT TO SAVE YOUR PARENTS from the hell that Peter and I are living. We thought we would know.... You would think you would see, but THERE WAS NO APPARENT SIGNS, TREVOR WAS SMART, HE WAS PART OF DARE, TAUGHT FROM EARLY ON, HE WAS GIVEN INFORMATION TO MAKE SMART CHOICES, HE KNEW THE DANGERS.

**PEOPLE NEED TO BE SCARED!!!!
**PARENTS U NEED TO KNOW THIS COULD BE YOUR CHILD!!!!
** I WAS A THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO US, TREV IS HONEST, DOESNT HIDE THINGS, HAS TOLD US ALOT OF THINGS A CHILD WOULDN'T TELL THEIR PARENTS. .......BE NOSEY, CHECK ROOMS,  ASK QUESTIONS. READ AND LEARN THE SIGNS THE LINGO, WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, ITEMS TO USE....STRAWS, ENDS OR CORNERS OF CREDIT CARDS, BAGGIES TIED OR RUBBER BAND WITH A SMALL POCKET AT THE END, INSIDE BOOKS THAT MAY BE CUT OUT INSIDE. IN AREAS OF CARS.... ASHTRAYS POCKETS, GLOVE COMPARTMENT, ITEMS THAT BE ABLE TO HOLD A TINY BAGGIE
 IF YOU PAY OR HAVE ACCESS TO PHONES GO THRU, TEAR ROOMS APART!!!!!
IF U SUSPECT DONT CARE IF YOUR KID GETS EXTREMELY PISSED AT YOU.
IT IS YOUR HOUSE AND IT COULD SAVE YOUR CHILDS LIFE.
PARENTS.......... DONT BE PISSED IF A PARENT IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAY SOMETHING TO U EVEN IF YOU DONT SEE ANYTHING.
PLLEEEEEEEEASE DONT BE SCARED TO DO ALL THIS OR ASK, QUESTION. DON'T BE NIEVE AND THINK NOT MY CHILD
************BECAUSE ***** IT CAN BE********* YOUR CHILD OR YOUR CHILDS FRIEND.

I DONT WANT TO SEE U LIVE MY LIFE.
THIS LIFE THAT FEELS NO DIFFERENT THAN THE DAY I HEARD TREVOR IS DEAD!!!!!!!
 HOURS OF SLEEP OR NOT SLEEPING, EEEEVERY WAKING HOUR, WORDS THAT HAUNT EVERY MILLISECOND I BREATHE, THE CONSTANT IMAGES OF FEELING A PART OF THE SKULL OPENED, KNOWING YOUR CHILDS BODY HAS BEEN CUT INTO, EMPTIED AND THROWN BACK TOGETHER, YOUR CHILDS FACE SEWN /GLUED SHUT LAYING MOTIONLESS NEVER TO TALK, SMILE, LAUGH, INHALE OR LOVE U EVERRRRR EEEEVERRRR AGAIN.

THE SILENCE...............

                       Recently our cousin Gail made a comment that I received beauty in our family. I truly do appreciate the compliment I really do, but not only body and especially mind, I feel I have aged right before my eyes this past year. I am extremely blessed to have your brother and your dad and LOVE THEM PAST INFINITY and grateful for the love they give to me along with the support. Also I am blessed to have a world of others who have been there for me/us. I have been told and I honestly know that I have much to live for, but there are tears that stream down my face with a endless pain. That ball in your throat that feels like you can't swallow, me trying not to scream at the top of my lungs with agony.  There is a darkness that surrounds and torments my days and nights. The unfixable excruciating pain that reshatters my heart with every breath I take. IT IS Sooooooo unbelievable and proves to be the nightmare I never thought I would much less have, but LIVE, the one I have to live without you Trevor.

                     I still to this day in a unrealistic world, my subconscious mind, my daydreams think sometimes if I stare long enough at the door you will come in. I think you will walk thru for me to see that mischievous smile of yours and pep in your step your go get em or do anything outgoing personality and your truly loving spirit.

                      If I just PLEAD RELENTLESSLY PLEEEEAASE , IF I CLOSE MY EYES TIGHT ENOUGH OR HOPE HARD ENOUGH, OR BELIEVED THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES. IF I BELIEVED OF A HIGHER BEING, IF ONLY MY PLEA'S WERE HEARD CAME TRUE.

      INSTEAD I PLEAD TO COMPLETE SILIENCE, IT IS SO DEAFINING AND GO UNANSWERED. COOOOOOOOOOOOOME ON TREVOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just ask 1 thing, just 1 wish, onnnnnnnne thing the only thing in the world I want.

                       

 I just want you to walk in, thru the door appear there so I can touch you. come back thru what some say the light. Like in the movies WISH HARD ENOUGH TREVOR, TALK TO YOURSELF SAYING I CANT GO YET, MY MOM AND DAD AND BROTHER CANT LIVE WITHOUT ME, IT WOULD CHANGE THEIR LIVES FOREVER, MY MOM WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME NEVVVER, SHE WOULD BE LOST, WHAT WILL MY BROTHER DO FEEL, MISS. WHAT WOULD DAD SAY HOW MUCH HE WOULD BE MISSING, IT WOULDNT MAKE SENCE FOR ME TO GO. SOOOOO I WANT TO GO BACK, JUST TAKE ME BACK TO THE REAL WORLD. I JUST WANT YOU TO IN THAT LIGHT KNOW YOU ARE WANTED AND LOVED. JUST BREATHE TAKE THAT BREATH, PPPPPPPLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE OPEN YOUR EYES.

                 YOUR MOM IS BEGGING YOU PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASE

REACH FURTHER, GRAAAAAAAAAB MY HAND HONEY, TREVOR WALK BACK INTO MY LIFE LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY CAN'T MY LIFE BE A MOVIE?????

WHERE IS OUR HAPPLY EVER AFTER????

WHY IS IT WE WERE GIVEN THIS NIGHTMARE TREVOR?????????

 I JUST WANT TO HEAR, I WANT THAT ANSWER, NO I WANT THIS TO BE A NIGHTMARE WE CAN WAKE FROM

MY HEART BREAKS AND CRYS, MY CHEST SO HEAVY KNOWING NOT ONLY DO I NOT HAVE ANY ONE LAST ANYTHINGS

BUT MY NOW'S WITH YOU ARE SILENT AND GONE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!