The MOm I should be and Racing thoughts

As my eyes are opening in the fogginess of waking no matter what time waking up for the day , being woke up or with yet another dream or nightmare. I think to myself it was juuuust a dream.....As the fogginess wears off I literally can feel reality slap me with full force in the face. My eyes well up.... I think to my self today has to be better right?, PLEASE let it be easier, less a feeling of my heart shattering feeling that pain of every single sharp edge exploding inside me taking my breath to a stand still. I breathe in an it is glued there until I let out the first silent whimper and flush of air that escapes trying not to scream outloud yet again this CANNOT BE HAPPENING!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OH GOD YOU ARE GONE TREVORRRRRRRRR. I fully am in reality now reminding me that another day without you here, realizing yes I am without your smiling face, without your voice, the laughs you will give today,  and that 1st hug of the day whether it be 8am or 1pm.
      So yes work days I get out of bed and push through another day, Why Trev cause I have no choice......Bills need to be paid, people count on me. Even going thru the motions you are right there in the forefront of my mind. I want you there Trev and you will never be out of my mind. I just want to be able to be able to see, hear and deal with the day with a lighter pain, I want to give your brother the mom he deserves. I don't want to be preoccupied by this pain. He deserves more and I should be able to focus fully on the here and now and be about him. I am so proud and so happy and love him so very much I just think to myself he has to feel left out if you will, like GEZ Mom I'm still here ya know. I don't love him any less because of this in fact I couldn't I love him more and more everyday for who is is, who he is becoming, what he has accomplished and continues to accomplish and his true perseverance in life. It is just so hard to explain almost impossible Trevor to explain the guilt I have because you have taken me apart and the whole Old me is gone. I just feel like I am not the mom he deserves. I cant help to have that bit of anger that you have taken me and broken me apart and the pieces are giving the image of a person, but it not together, its not me and I cant seem to find myself, I want me back TREVORRRRRRRRRRR I know you didn't do this on purpose but YOU DID IT YOU LEFT ME HIS WAY. 

If I am woke early I lay suspended in thoughts or after a dream about you, something to do with you or with you. I immediately get up and write it in the beautiful journal that Audrey gave to me. I then go back to bed and there I lay. I try so hard to go back to sleep and maybe some days I do because I am so exhausted but its after some time, most times I cant go back to sleep whether it be a half hour after going to bed, midnight, 2- 3am ( which is when I usually wake up or dad wakes me because I am sobbing uncontrollably) It could be a dream where I see you and am so happy but inside my mind even in the dream I know you are dead, or with you talking to me real in the flesh but in the end it is only to know its not real for as much as it seemed to be.

SO I LAY EYSES OPEN OR CLOSED and it starts

THE RACING

the first time you got a forensics award, doing your Santa Claus forensics speech, your spiked blonde hair with flowers for your teacher, parents night for football, you and your brother sitting in your playroom at the ages of 1-2 years of age, getting your first set of tubes,people speaking at your funeral, learning to ride your bike by yourself for the first time, your geography bee saying a gondola was from Poland when your best friend was Italian, visions of my baby as people walked by paying their last respects, getting your tonsils out, wondering where you were the day we couldn't find you and you wouldn't answer your phone, sitting with our first dog on the kitchen floor and in the kennel, walking around with your butt crack hanging out after your first birthday party, going thru the millions of pics for your funeral boards, sitting next to a huge Paddington bear in your crib, 8th grade football practice at Greendale high school, using a axe to cut branches that fell in the front yard, learning to use the rider to cut the grass for the first time, your track meets, winning a coloring contest at the library when you were in kindergarten, going to make arrangements at the funeral home and seeing you for the first time laying motionless with Auntie Becky, Uncle Kevin, Your Brother and Dad, and Amanda, hurting your ankle in St Francis game in jr hawks, you first homecoming, you singing at a honor society awards, being inducted into the national honor society with Chesca, Visiting you everyday at the funeral home till your funeral, the speech you gave about coach Palama in 6th or 7th grade banquet for jr hawks, swim lessons when you were about 6years old, having a crush on Maria Lucio, hanging out a the fennigs with your friends and the guys with capes like super hero's, all the kids who filled our home and your bedroom the day we found out you were dead, going to cool waters with T-bone, Randi, Kyle h, Amanda f, taking you snowboarding, having to tell the lady at the funeral home to fix your make up it didn't look right, REALLY ???? I shouldn't be doing this, your dad posing with you as you were a month old, going to see your first concert, you in the incubator on al lighted blanket with you foam sunglasses on, How I can feel my heart hurt with the beats it takes, getting a hematoma in a high school game at Browndeer and not wanting to come out, you and your brother at Disney world, sitting with me in bed after you and your brother made me breakfast in bed for mothers day, breaking your finger at 8 and having a infusion for you platelet defect, your concert at elm dale with a circus theme when you were in 3-4th grade, playing catch with your dad and brother in the backyard, becoming vice president of the national honor society, leaving for you people to people trip that you were nominated for in 8th grade, running into the car mirror thru the garage in West Allis when you were 5-6 and cutting your right eyebrow and needing stitches, Laying in your underwear under the Christmas tree as we were decorating it, building a airplane, cub scouts at a retirement home you playing chess with one of the women residents, the excitement of going thru your stockings at St. Nick, Graduation, Moving you to Minnesota, and leaving you there the first time.

I could go on and on and on and on but this Trev is what goes thru my head in no order what so ever just constantly swirls wildly in my head with my eyes open, closed, sleeping or not, crying or not smiling or not everyday and minute you have been gone. 

I sometimes find my self thinking I just don't want to do this anymore, I JUST DON'T, I is so much work to open my eyes another day and take that 1st Breath of Pain

REAL .......IS THE HELL I LIVE

  
      I have not been able to write lately.  Well I guess that's not entirely true. Maybe I have been able to, but just don't want to or can't bring myself or want to yet again acknowledge that I don't have you here. That I am living my worst possible nightmare EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY WITH EVERYBREATH I TAKE.
I want to write, but there are so many words sentences, thoughts, feelings that it sometimes just is jumble in my mind. Everything seems to swirl together like I am a crazy person talking in tongues like I at one second know the words and know what I want to say and hear myself saying it all, but then again I feel like what in the sam's hell are you saying cause it is so very loud and so many things going thru my head it's like what the hell are you saying.
 I know ONE DEFINATE thing I want you back and I HATE that you are not here. That I miss you so so so very terribly,  I want to just hear you, see your smile I have never wanted to hug you more than FOREVER.
      I find myself watching your French toast video over and over sometimes what could be over a hundreds of times wanting to scream the entire time crying till my chest literally hurts. As soon as it stops I press play all over again and again and again.  My
 insides still churn with sickness of the images of what that day held, what they found, the scene of what it was, your face with no life, the images of them putting you in a body bag, That I was not there for me to hug you in my arms one last time. Dead or not I would be able to have you my arms cradling you, to talk to you even if you couldn't hear me. To touch your face, to kiss you. I am so still VERY PISSED THAT IT TOOK ALL FING DAY AND FOR ME TO CALL INQUIRING THAT I FOUND OUT. NOBODY..... NOBODY CAME TO ME. WTF  7 IN THE MORNING AND IT WAS ABOUT 4:30 PM TILL I HEARD MY SON WAS DEAD WITH A HEARTLESS DETECTIVE SAY "WELL IT WOULDNT OF MATTERED IF WE CAME EALIER IT WOULDNT HAVE BROUGHT HIM BACK) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME AS I AM OUT OF CONTROL WRITHING IN A PAIN I DONT EVEN KNOW THE DEPTHS OF AT THAT POINT, NOT EVEN IN MY BODY, ERUPTING WITH SCREAMS AND CRYING SO LOUD I CANT HEAR MYSELF, BUT YET I SEE GLASS BREAKING FROM THE SHEER SOUND OF MY SCREAMS, WHAT AM I EXPERIENCEING CAN BE FOR REAL. SO TELL ME AGAIN WTF YOU JUST SAID TO A MOTHER WHO JUST GOT TOLD HER SON IS DEAD????? WHAT THE FUCK.......
I can't get the sound out of my head and the wonder of the
sounds at the funeral home while we made your plans we sat above a very loud swishing sound that maybe nobody else paid attention to, but with every swish my heart was stabbed over and over, This is believed to be the machine filling my poor baby's body with a solution to make it so I couldn't ever hug you, hold you in my arms like it should be.
GOD TREVOR! OH MY GOD! GOD DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT. This time that seems to linger in slow motion without you is so torturous. I DON'T know how people go on, not get passed it cause I know that is impossible in my lifetime, but just breathe another day without crazy thoughts or totally losing my mind, ending up in a padded room rocking back and forth with emptiness.
   I know you were all about science and were open about it not scared to share what you believed in sometimes to the point of an argument.


 Maybe religion would help some,  I guess if you do believe the words of the wise priests, pastors, and helpers of god. Maybe praying to whatever god is believed in makes it easier. Whoever that may be.... He/She didn't prevent this pain for us, they can't fix this,cannot take this pain away and NEVER bring you back and if he/she stole you to do some good deed upstairs like a lot of people have said and or say your did what you needed to do here as they say. Pardon my French to my friends who believe, In no way do I mean this with any disrespect because if you know me you know I DONT JUDGE YOU ANY OF YOU for your beliefs and SORRY if it offends, but if in fact that were the case... If it was your time..... WHICH IT WAS NOT!!!!!
whoever it is IS A ASSHOLE.  So those of you who pray may chose to pray to save me. As far as I'm concerned I have a don't give a rats ass attitude for something that may or may not be in his/her control. Please keep praying hard because my pain is far past my give a shit.  If there is a heaven and there is a choice to let me in the good white pearly gates with white clouds and life forever or the bad burn in hell because I cursed him then Hell wouldn't be any worse than what my insides are like , the never ending stabbing feeling in my heart so whatever the hell is, its nothing compared to the hell I feel and live.Sooooooooooo it doesn't matter to me.
       

  I still try to be a good person and be as good of a mom to your brother. I try to think rationally and believe it isn't gonna fix things for me to leave this earth. Yes there have been those moments of irrational thinking, more than I'd like to admit. I couldn't leave pain to those who love me especially your Brother and your Dad. I don't think I could do that by not giving them the choice of thrown more pain in their faces. Kinda like we didn't have a choice and we were thrown into a life I never thought I would have, know or live.  I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE TREV I KNOW THAT, BUT IT IS SO VERY HARD TO NOT BLAME YOU TREVOR. MAYBE THE DRUG TOOK YOU OVER QUICK MAYBE BREAKING YOUR BACK IN FOOTBALL AND THOSE DRUGS STARTED IT, MAYBE COLLEGE LIFE FED INTO IT. I DON'T KNOW AND IT IS THE WHAT???????? I  HATE, HATE , HATE. I KNOW YOU DIDNT CHOOSE THIS PAIN ON US, BUT AS FAR AS WE KNOW NOBODY MADE YOU DO IT. YOU WERE RECKLESS AND INDISTRUCTABLE, OR YOU THOUGHT. YOU ULTIMATELY PUT THE EVIL INTO YOUR BODY. IT STILL KILLS ME THAT I DIDNT SEE ANYTHING. I HATE THAT YOU HID IT SO WELL. YES THESE LETTERS ARE IN CAPITALS CAUSE I AM YELLING SILENTLY AT YOU WITH NOT JUST A LUMP IN MY THROAT THE SIZE OF THE WORLD, BUT A SCREAM A SECOND AWAY AND TEARS THAT NEVER SEEM TO STOP. Whether I'm smiling or not they are there always. I feel them even if they aren't streaming down my face.
 Maybe therapy helps some to cope somehow. I found no help to go to a stranger and cry the blues of my life about you, crying and saying the same things at every appt and yet I felt no release, no better, It didn't make it easier to not miss you, to not have images in my head of the permanent one of my dead son, It really didn't help  me sleep better, It didn't help me to feel like my chest is not exploding and so many other things it supposed to help with.
   I love my friend ONE WHO WAS A HUGE PART OF YOUR LIFE. I love her determination and caring and love for us and you. She like others wants to help in any way she can somehow, some way she hoped it would help. reaching for some sort of something, anything I know probably feeling useless, but grasping in hopes of somehow helping me. I appreciate every second of thought for me,about me and trying. I tried energy help release,  acupuncture mixed with raki and a shaman or gentleman who releases bad energy waved his hands over me and chanted with gongs and chimes in the dark with calming sounds. I tried so very hard to relax and let something take over like a magic of some sort, but in turn had nothing felt nothing. At the end of our session He told me he feels m energy is good..... I'm ok. ???? OK???? He must of really mixed my energy with someone else's. lol.
I vent, share and let go in this blog, but at the end of these writings I seem to be left with the same questions / unanswered, the same feelings of dismay, the feeling of can this be true,be my life, Is this my reality, left with a excruciating pain that takes over my whole being, makes me body and mind so very tired, so exhausted cause I'm so just so very tired of this life, I just want it to go away and ultimately I am left WITHOUT YOU TREVOR. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO VERY MUCH THERE IS NO MEASUREMENT OF THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Holiday Sadness

              TREVOR...................................... The holidays are now past.  Another year not having you here, another year of a pain I could of never of thought could exist in my life. I hate that I know the existence of this pain, this heart break, this life. It is extremely hard to celebrate knowing there is a huge void in our family. Knowing how much and real Ky's pain is without you. We didn't even put a tree up last year and this year it went up ONLY because we had children coming to our home. We spent time with family and made it thru hour by hour. Many tears were shed in my down time and most times I felt it so hard to conjure up a smile or have a face that wasn't showing the real feelings of pure agony. Many times my heart constantly pounded so hard and I felt out of breath trying to keep it together as my heart was wrenched, twisted, without it even being physically touched. There was a permanent lump in my throat and me wanting to scream was like a tea pot whistling at full blast. The biggest joy of this holiday was of course seeing any smile that your dad or brother showed
           Last night I lay in bed like hundreds and hundreds of nights before. As my mind raced like every other second in my life. I felt like I should vent put into words some of my thoughts without screaming at the top of my lungs. Silently I typed as my eyes fill with tears and my throat felt like it could explode from the pressure of the emotions being held in.
        
fb post from January 8th
Like many nights I lay here in the pitch black with my eyes wide open with visions of the good and the most horrifying. I've been laying here for 2 hours. I HATE this EMMENSE PAIN my heart has, that life is so very unfair, That at times I feel so betrayed and i'm so mad at you, but miss you so terribly and then feel horrible for my anger. I HATE that I cant blame someone for your ultimate stupid fing decision, I HATE that you werent scared of pushing the limits, I HATE that I didn't see SOMETHING....... I HATE that you weren't saved, that Your Mom the one who is supposed to protect you could not save you, I HATE that my mind NEVER shuts off reliving that day, the disbelief, the words of " Trevor is dead!!!!!" I hate 1 last text to you with only silence in return. I HATE that everyday is that day playing over and over with no reprieve, no pause, just runs rampad thru every neuron of my mind. I HATE that I cant hug you and tell you how much I love you, I HATE that you will be forever 20. I HAAAAAAATE THAT U R NOT HERE TREVOR!!!!!

         I in between the millions of visions and darkness of our room with the hint of moonlight shining thru the window I pleaded silently to have a interaction with your spirit, find you at the side or end of my bed like others have claimed to have seen with their family members or loved ones. I at one point was caught off guard and caught frozen breath held and thought for a second in time thought there was a dark figure at the door. Only to refocus, join reality again and remember it was your dads suit for his X-Mas party this coming Friday.
        I want so badly to have you here back in my life, WHAAAAAAAAAT? I KNOW ITS STUPID, DUMB UNREALISTIC, NOT AT ALL POSSIBLE, JUST DREAMS WISHES THAT WILL NEVER COME TRUE. I want so badly to have something, JUST SOMETHING with you.... of you. I want true visits, I want to see you even if it is a figure and I cant actually touch you. I want your being to be alive, WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY CANT I JUST HAVE 1 WISH LIKE IN THE MOVIES??????? JUST ONE IS ALL I WOULD ASK FOR.  This coming weekend is your balloon release to celebrate the day you blessed me/us with your life.  Its weird cause I don't want to celebrate, don't really consider it a celebration if its not fun, happy everything is great, life is perfect because you are not here and that is nothing to celebrate. BUT I do love having people come together, to see that you haven't been forgotten by everyone. My heart is touched knowing people still love you too even if your still not here, they support us and it is so wonderful to know we have so many behind us, and there to try to help with the unknown, because they don't know what to do or really say and we don't know what anyone can do, THERE ISN'T ANYTHING AND THAT TRULY SUCKS

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND THAT CAN BE CELEBRATED AND CAN'T EVER BE SOMETHING TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.
              I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW TREV.......

Cold.... Dark..... Days

                                       Winter has come and the added depression, the actual physical short dark days and shitty weather is upon me. OH WHAT FUN it is to ride this new life of mine..... It seems as though life gets worse with every passing day, harder and harder. There is NO nothing, NO gifts, NO weather, NO smile, NO hug, NO sunny day, NO words of any kind, NOT any night or day is it better, easier. NO MAGIC PILL. A MAGIC PILL is my wish for X-mas Trevor. I know really Mom...... get real....How dumb right???? Yea stupid dreams and impossible wishes.
                                                                I thought I could multi task before, maybe physically I could, but my mind has become a professional at it with the CONSTANT thoughts of happier days of the past,  along with the horrendous thoughts and visions of the past almost 15 months. In the whirlwind of mess in my mind is also the thought's of  the present and the future Trevor. The future with the void of you. A humongous piece of me, the spot that is yours and only you could fill, the space that is a empty of your smile, laugh, the twinkle in your eyes of witty and humorous personality, and the amazing love you gave to me. I miss your whole being, everything about you, but most of all it is your genuine caring and your affection. When kids hit that age of being embarrassed, or distant from their parents you were NEVER EVER that way. ALWAYS you loved me as unconditional as I love you. If only my unconditional was enough Trev, IF ONLY..........
                                Your dad and I go out, we laugh together and can't enjoy each other enough. He spends time away from the house with his guys because it breaks up the monotony and keeps us from just settling in a chair deteriorating as life passes us by. He forces me to go places even when I don't want to because my friend's love me, and the only thing they can do is smile, hug and love me because there IS NOTHING else ANYONE can do. I do laugh, smile, joke around, but there is ALWYAS the EVIL SADNESS and devastating grief that torments my whole being. It is that of a Harry Potter DEMENTOR, not searching for me because it has already found me, but following me, chasing me, overshadowing me, NEVER letting me relax, breathe, enjoy life to the fullest anymore.
                              The real world is like Wild Fires, Tsunamis and the strongest Darkest Tornadoes filling the space in my head and sucking the life out of me. This year seems so much harder than the last.  Although I think reality is becoming more real as time goes on, the numbness is wearing off and the pain has become overwhelming. How much more overwhelming can it be? I thought it was as overwhelming as it could get. I thought the pain hit the its highest level possible................... I was WRONG TREVOR so VERY WRONG!!!!!!   I could easily lay in my bed with the covers over my head, lay in your bed staring at the walls with a continuous stream of tears down my face listening to the ongoing screaming that fills my mind, the flashes of so many millions of things like a fast forward x5.  I could become a shut in sitting and holding what I have left of you. A COLD HARD CONTAINER MADE FROM PEWTER the storage of your remains.
 
                                        IT KILLS ME TREVOR to look at you, and know your whole body, casket fits inside A JAR. There is no way I could bury you and have visions of you rotting away. I couldn't totally be without you so instead I burned you into pieces, I BURNED YOU TREVOR, I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR TURNING YOU INTO DUST WITH CHUNKS OF BONE, SHARDS that didn't reduce in the 1800 degree oven. I gave them permission to sweep you into a container to be put into a shaker to break up the rest of you into the smallest parts they can. DO YOU REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO ACCEPT NOT ONLY THAT YOU ARE DEAD, NEVER COMING HOME......... BUT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO THE BEING YOU CREATED, CARRIED AND WATCHED WITH AMAZEMENT MOVE INSIDE OF YOU, NUTURED, BIRTHED, HELD, DEPENDED ON YOU FOR SO MANY THINGS ( WHAT SHOULD OF BEEN FOR LIFE) SOMEONE U LOVED AND NEVER PICTURED YOUR LIFE WITHOUT.  I KNOW THE WAY YOU LIVED AND YOU WOULD WANT ME TO MOVE FORWARD MAYBE NOT PAST BUT LIVE ON. YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ME THE CHOICE .........................IT IS NOT FAIR THAT YOU DESEEVED ME, I FEEL SO MANY THINGS. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I GO THRU ON A DAILY BASIS TREVOR. THE TYPE OF AGONY WAS SO UNIMAGINABLE AND NOW I KNOW IT LIKE A BEST FRIEND, IT HAS BECOME INTERTWINED INTO MY BODY AND MIND.  YOU HAVE NO CLUE, YOU COULD NOT KNOW IN A GAZILLION YEARS WHAT THIS IS DOING TO ME.
I WISH YOU COULD OR WOULD OF MAYBE THOUGHT OF THE PAIN IT WOULD CAUSE THE LIFE IF WOULD SUCK FROM ME.
I WISH YOU WOULD OF THOUGHT ALL THIS BEFORE YOU TRIED THE LIFE THAT KILLED YOU.

Thanksgiving and everyday

IT IS NOT OK TREVVVVOR!!!!! LIFE IS NOT OK, I AM NOT OK. PRETENDING, COVERING TRYING IS SO EXAUSTING.

I wonder does it all matter????

                    TREVOR,  I went to bed last night barely able to keep my eyes open. I had short periods of sleep waking on and off all night. I woke more awake not able to sleep peeking over your dad to see the clock....... at 3:09am. Maybe it is hard or impossible to know that waking before I can even open my eyes you are the first thought in my mind Trev. My eyes well up, the screaming in my head starts and that day plays over in my head the moment I couldn't believe I was hearing, the moment I looked into your brothers eyes as he cried, the moment your brother and dad grabbed each other tighter than ever, the moment I fell unable to feel myself, like it was a scene from a movie IT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES TREVOR!!!!!!!!!! My stomach drops, my heart hurts and I DREAD GETTING OUT OF BED TO FACE THE REAL WORLD..    
                     I am so grateful for your dad and I am extremely blessed to have your brother, but waking is so extremely hard not wanting to get out of bed everyday. This morning hearing the rain is calming to some and maybe in the past it would of been something I didn't even think about. It today is not a calming sound, it is knowing it was not going to be a sunny day weather wise, making it even more difficult than the days before to raise my body and get my legs off the side of the bed. I laid there closing my eyes trying to make myself believe its gonna be a better day. I picture you and your smile, wishing I could hear your voice. I beg with all my heart knowing what I want is not possible.
                     As I work today on my birthday I cry and luckily I only have the babies so they don't don't care or notice. I think to myself ........"IT IS JUST ANOTHER DAY" MY AGE IS ANOTHER YEAR , BUT MY BEING IS SO MUCH OLDER, MY HEALTH STRUGLING, I CANNOT BE MYSELF, THE SELF I WAS, I AM UNABLE TO BRING THAT BACK TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!! I am stuck in a hell like no other. I KNOW FOR REAL that you are not here and are not coming back yet I find myself constantly wanting, wishing, begging to the all mighty whoever that  I would give ANYTHING, PLEEEEASE just give you back to me.
                         I am wished so many happy birthdays and well wishes. I read them and think to myself I appreciate the thought's I really and truly do, but IT DOESNT MATTER, EVEN IF IT WAS SUNNY, TODAY IS JUST ANOTHER DAY, SO I AM A YEAR IT TIME OLDER, I FEEL YEARS OLDER THAN I SHOULD MY HEALTH IS SUFFERING. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME THAT ITS MY DAY, I DONT MATTER, THE DAY IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE, NOTHING MATTERS MUCH EXCEPT ITS ANOTHER YESTERDAY, TODAY, HOUR, MINUTE, SECOND I BREATHE THAT I DON'T HAVE YOU HERE. THE PAIN I HAVE, THE HEART BREAK YOU LEFT ME TREVOR . THE AGONY LIKE NO OTHER IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE.
                           
 I WISH YOU WERE HERE, I REPEAT IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER TREVOR, YOU LEFT ME BROKEN, SO BROKEN I FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO REPAIR, TIME GOES ON BUT STANDS STILL

.
                         I JUST LOVE YOU..................................................... XOXOXOXOXOX

My Baby

                I woke up crying so extremely hard this morning. I couldn't stop Trevor. I grabbed my dream journaling book that Audrey bought me. I ran out of the book that you wrote your stories in from the many dreams and nightmares that I have had since you died.
                I went to the bathroom to write planning on going back to bed laying there trying to get the horrible visions out of my head, screaming to my self in my mind, begging for something, something that tells me why Trevor..... Instead I couldn't control my sobbing it only got louder and louder as I sat on the toilet waiting to calm enough for my hands to stop shaking to write. Your dad was awake wanting me to calm down. I CANNOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like he is just saying be quiet!!!!! I know he does it because I get so out of control sometimes where I can't breathe which then it brings on a asthma episode. Even when I physically stop it NEVER stops inside. I can be talking to someone about something, may be looking right at them, maybe laugh, smile talk and all the while that screaming is going on in my head. IT DOES NOT STOP, DOES NOT TREVOR...........................
                So I went to your room grabbed one of your pillows sat holding it as tight as I could I always end up rocking and crying doing a somewhat silent scream into it. I sat there forever crying looking at all of your things, the things still left in your room just like it was when you died, well except its dusted vacuumed and cleaned up.  I look at your pictures from one of the funeral boards I made and hung in your room still hold your pillows, clothes anything I can draw your scent from.  It is the only thing I have tangible that is you.
                  I just HATE that I can't have you home. I would take a filthy room, no gas in the car, you just being lazy I WOULD TAKE ANYTHING....... I think to myself I would even take you back at the funeral home the first day we saw you, the numerous times they let us visit before your funeral and the night of you funeral. I would take back those hours minutes seconds and cherish having you whole being able to touch you your face EVEN to talk you no with no answers I am exhausted missing you hating this new life Trevor
                  Remembering all these moments of the video and those apply to watching you grow, holding you watching you. All the moments that I should have WILL NEVER BE. I will always have the memories and pictures and movies of my baby but those don't even compare any to what could of been that was stolen from me.

https://www.facebook.com/todayparents/videos/10154040297262984/?pnref=story