1 WISH

If I could, I would only have 1 Christmas wish , just 1 that is all I would need.... It is all I want to be able to have. I know it is not possible and I HATE IT , to this day even though I know its real there is still a disbelief to this whole new life I have.   Everyday is torture but the holidays are so extremely hard. I think about your famous Santa hat that you wore EVERY Christmas. I see your smile and hear your laugh, I just wish I could hug and kiss you, smell your scent that has slowly disappeared from all your room. I smell your things desperately searching for the slightest of your scent and when I don't find it I am crushed to the ends of the earth. Today Dad and I went to brunch as we do every Sunday. We drive down chase to get to KK and every time we drive past the 1st funeral home you were at my stomach feel like its being hit with a huge sledge hammer over and over and then I feel like I'm going to throw up. That is the funeral home we went to,We sat in a room in a total haze and picked flowers walked thru a room with caskets, picked a signature book, cards and had to write a obituary. A obituary Trevor something I should of never had to do. It is where we first were able to see you.

After the planning we were asked R U READY????? R U READY they ask, Yes, No..... No I want to  make sure its real. Its a mistake it has to be...… we were lead to the double doors that the director opened slowly and with much hesitation I moved forward with my head down. Reaching the threshold lifting my head slightly and looking to the left I saw you laying there. Immediately everything went numb. IT WAS YOU! HOW COULD THIS BE TRUE? I froze, started shaking and screamed your name, Noooo, Why? With every all sight and sound that memory is etched and tortures me everyday.

I know my only wish in this whole life will never come true and it hurts hurts so terribly. 

I miss you which saying it doesn't even touch the surface of how much.

I love you Trevor Love you so much

<3 Momma

HATE

This week is filled with that lingering anguish and is a ferociously angry week. 

Within The Things I have become to HATE

I HATE- That I don’t get to see your smile with my eyes instead of the memory that is clouded by missing you. 

I HATE- That your laugh is within the those ear piercing screams in my head.

I HATE- That your room is empty and it’s impossible to keep the smell of you from disappearing

I HATE- That I cannot hug and kiss you with your genuine return

I HATE- That there have been literally times I hate to admit I tossed around in my head that I seriously just want to end it all.

I HATE- That I am sobbing inside between every thought, chore, excitement, second , motion, happy smile, proudness, and What seems to be a strength or braveness others see

I HATE- That I feel like I’m letting my living child down, how horrible of a mother I feel like, How He should get everything I have and Even though I know what I should be strong and able to know his thoughts for him to be able to share with me, to take away the pain he carries. 

I HATE- That I can’t hold it together in my alone times, that I can’t enjoy my busy times of hobby or just not doing anything

I HATE- That therapy has not helped me, that People say try again, being involved in mom groups is just me reading about their misery and talking about how devastated we are and about how we will never just be good and get over it.

I HATE- The I should therapy directed to think of happy things to block out the visions of me collapsing on the concrete being told you were gone, seeing you laying in a gurney that they tried to make nicer by covering you with a quilt. Feeling your cold hard body, seeing a blood spot from the embalming machine, feeling the part of your skull that was super glued back together when stroking your hair, your body in a casket people kissing you, barely remembering that last night but The LAST MOMENTS WITH YOU AND HAVING TO BE FORCED TO LEAVE YOU THERE

I HATE- That Closing my eyes at night wishing for this to be just a nightmare and opening them knowing a day like yesterday is greeting me

I HATE- That I can’t , Don’t know how to get the old me back, that it has disappeared. I hate the person I’ve become, the things in my mind, the grief I feel. 

I HATE- That I can’t make others understand what they think I should have or want from me or think will help is like a completely deaf person hearing. 

I HATE- that I am physically and mentally exhausted and I just would like it all to work and want to be the old me. 

I HATE- That people feel sorry for me, and Seeing Trevor not be part of what his friends are doing, that his friends are moving on, that he is dissolved from anything that he and was supposed to been doing. 

I HATE- That IM SORRY BUT DO IT ANYWAY that IM pitiful, that I lay here in my dark bedroom saturating my pillow with tears, sharing my misery to the world, but to maybe hope to turn someone around

I HATE- That he was stolen from me, that those who knew of any problem or information (except one person who told me truths after the fact) who sometimes I’m furious with but GRATEFUL if that can be in the same- didn’t come to me, that he was able to hide it, How I WAS BLIND, How I didn’t see something, that I am  and feel guilty, How I thought he knew he could come to me with ANYTHING , That he didn’t, think I would of done ANYTHING IN MY POWER, GIVE MY LIFE to Help him, That he was and me and his Dad and Brother we’re cheated for ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING

THAT I COULD NOT SAVE HIM

Thank u in advance for caring enough to read all the way thru and supporting me even if it doesn’t seem like I care or appreciate

The moment our child died is now, yesterday, tomorrow, forever. It is the past, the present, and the future. It was not just one finite horrific moment in time that happened last whenever. It is not just the moment, the hour, the second, the millisecond our life became permanently divided into before and after.

You might say, “But she died last year!” Or 10 years ago, or five. No. No, she didn’t.

Our child dies all over again every morning we wake up.

And again every moment they are (yet again) missing.

And again every moment in between.

And again every breath we take.

Our child dies again every moment they are not here with us– for the rest of our lives." - Angela Miller

Opening up

I haven’t written here is quite some time. Even though I want to I feel it redundant and even though I know some will maybe read part of any gibberish, just maybe it will reach some. Help some, help some help someone else, try to make people understand which I know is right next to impossible. Maybe it will help others understand the person I was, how this has affected the already broken. How a person with mental health issues has added pressure because the embarrassment and thoughts of others thinking if u talk about it it’s drawing attention, which is the last thing they want. Maybe it to have others  Understand the uninterested maybe bitter person I feel like I have become, how unbelievably alone you feel. Maybe it does nothing and that is sometimes why you just skip it all because it’s too much to write or talk about. Anyway

This was put on fb from someone I know.

How many of you have had a night out planned, or arranged coffee with friends and suddenly the 4 walls you inhabit seem the only safe haven because it's the only place you don't have to pretend you are ok, so you cancel. Or when you are invited out you tell them how terribly sorry you are but you're already booked up that weekend, when you are actually just really busy holding it together in your safe box. And so the first problem starts, all by itself. People stop asking you and the isolation that at first wasn't true becomes your only truth.

Please don't give up on your friends. Ring them, go round, even when they don't want you to. Because they really do, they just don't know how to say it.

I'm going to make a bet, without being pessimistic, that out of my Facebook friends that less than five will take the time to put this on their wall to help raise awareness for those who have mental health difficulties. You just have to copy it from my wall and paste it to yours (hold down on my post and you will be given the option to copy... then go to your status and hold down to paste).

Who will be my five, I wonder?

🙏

Mental Health Awareness

#timetotalk.

That’s ME! Before this life at least medication would suppress. My life for as wonderful as I have it with the gorgeous vacations, the most LOVING, SUPPORTIVE,AMAZING man by my side and a son who loves me. This new found anxiety and on the outside the unseen deepest depression possible It has broken me down beyond imaginable. There are those u know thru people who r there and disappear when the fog has lifted or they think it has or time has passed. Those you aren’t super close with but know they care and want to be able to help your soul. Then you have your most inner circle and family who are lost in the fact that they have no idea how to help, still have no clue or fathom your pain and would do ANYTHING to make it disappear. The unfortunate truth is No matter how many people are there for u, u feel completely alone, your once had self confidence is obsolete, you feel helpless, you feel like ears have been stolen from you, the physical pain... Is it really there or real ? Is it the misery in your body that is breaking it down,. you feel like your in someone else’s shell and the soundless screams are only heard in your mind. You want to snap out of the misery, but it continues to eat you from the inside out. It literally is a miserable existence , but you press on because you feel guilty enough to not want to hurt those you love.

Mothers Day / PLUS

    Mothers Day has past and this is late, but as time goes on I have no new words. This day I sat holding you crying my eyes out, cradling this hard cold container with you inside, I laid on your bench thinking how this can be true, how this is so unfair yes selfish and WHY ME? WHY YOUR DAD? AND WHY OUR BROTHER?. I sit and lay sobbing out loud probably with the whole neighborhood hearing me. I didn't care Trevor.
     I cry EACH & EVERYDAY whether it be inside or out. the cry's are sometimes soft and muffled. a lot of times they are muted as to hide them in the shower or other room as to not bring attention to myself even now from your brother and your dad. Only to come out nose full of snot and eyes swollen and painful. Sometimes it is uncontrollable out loud and loud enough you think the windows should be closed and if they are closed everyone still hears me. NOTHING < NOTHING is closes o being like what its the constant in my mind. When I talk , When I laugh, When I shop, When I lay in the sun, When I am on vacation, When I am with my friends, When I am  day dreaming my nightmare, When I am laying in your bed asking you why, When I am talking to your empty room, your pictures, When I am silently dying inside, I literally feel my body melting away, When I am holding your Dad as he cry's or holds it in because I am a total train wreck, When I am loving your brother being proud of him, TRYING to LIVE FOR HIM TREVOR. YOU NOT BEING HERE SUCKS EVERY OUNCE OF ENERGY THAT I HAVE. Most times the cry's in my mind they are screeches , screams so loud, most times they are ear piercing wretched sounds of extreme pain, the brink of death tortured sounds, sounds that are so loud you can't hear yourself, like you can't be living, Breathing not even in your mind. Your  whole being hurts, your moods are swirled, your facial expressions have become something you don't want to accept. I know other people may like, care and love me, but that honestly is not enough. MANY,  MANY times it crosses my mind to leave this world, to end the sounds, feelings, visions and the beyond extreme pain. Why can't I be like other's who let their life live because they know their loved one would want that. It is this life I feel I only exit for just 2, 2 people....Your dad and your brother. Sometimes I think my pain and heartbreak that I bring upon them, the unstableness, the person that I can't be mental-ness would be something they could get over...... Nope , NO NO I KNOW it is not true and that is what keeps me here. I WILL NOT DO THAT TO THEM ONLY...ONLY because I know what pain and devastation it would bring them.  I know I have read other's feel like I do, but it isn't me, it isn't my own feeling, its not the pain I live from losing MY son, OUR relationship,  It isn't the unrealistic life I live, my own pain, the pre curser of my mental illness.
       Yes This is me saying it and those who read this will now know,  only a few actually knew of until now.  Something I feel people will think I'm crazy like oh goooood from the title of it,  , looked at as being a threat,  is one of those people for, Something I am even though I have said it, am ashamed of, Something I feel is judged no matter who you are and how much love you have from the people you know, and don't really know, Something that even with medication is sometimes out of control, Is something that just adds to this living hell I can't let go, can't get better from, that I feel I will be stuck in this mode that rest of my life from.  It is still 4 years later thinking god Dawn!!!! REALLY? GET OVER THIS, PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF HEARING IT, WHY AM I SHARING?? I DON"T EXPECT PITTY AND PEOPLE REALLY DO THINK THATS WHY I AM TALKING< CRYING< FEEING< SHARING. AND THEN I think this is not even happening right, This really can't be my family, the son I thought I knew, The son that was close to his dad, Who I thought was close enough to his brother, Who I thought was close to me, Who I thought I taught right from wrong, Who I thought I scared enough TREVORRRRR  to say no to the very things that killed you. WHO I THOUGHT COULD COME TO ME WITH ANYTHING WHO COULD ASK ME FOR HELP, GIVE ME CHANCE TO HELP TO SAVE YOU... WHY WEREN'T YOU THAT SON????? TREV WHY?????
     I still think sometimes....When will you come home, when will you call me, come home and tell me shitty days of work, tell me stories of his friends that would make me laugh, that would say stupid T.V phrases and laugh about, wrestle with your brother and dad, sass back to me , be crabby , be loving, funny, crazy. Who would leave silly and loving notes out of nowhere, WHO WILL COME IN AND HUG ME < KISS MY CHEEK< TELLLLLLL ME HE LOVES ME. Who will leave me another text, A text I don't have to say with fear and terror, the unknown NEVER TO IMAGINE IT WOULD BE YOUR DEAD, A text I can respond to..... Will you be home for dinner, Dad's making, How was work, Going to bed and  I LOVE YOU TREV!!!!
 Instead of WHERE R U???? PLEASE TEXT ME WHERE R U????

Trapped

Trevor I MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM EVERYDAY ALL DAY. There is NOT NOT 1 SINGLE DAY I DON’ T CRY, SOMETIMES ALL DAY ONLY TO WIPE THE TEARS AND BE NORMAL WHEN OTHERS ARE AROUND. TO SOB IN THE SHOWER WITH THE WATER BEING LESS THAN THE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE. MY HEART IS SO BROKEN, NOTHING MAKES IT BETTER, NOTHING MAKES IT EASIER,NOTHING MAKES WHAT HAPPENED OK, NOTHING TAKES THE VISIONS/ NIGHTMARES AND TEARS AWAY. TIME........ TIME some people say..... ONLY HAS MADE IT WORSE, I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU, I AM SUPPOSED TO ENJOY LIFE LIKE IT WAS, IM SUPPOSED TO NOT HAVE ANGER & GUILT. I HATE THAT I DIDN’T SEE THIS, I HATE THAT I WASN’T GIVEN A CHOICE, A OPPORTUNITY TO HELP YOU, I WOULD OF GIVEN MY LIFE TO SAVE YOU, JUST LIKE I WOULD YOUR BROTHER.

OTHERS GO ON AND ARE NOT TORMENTED BY ALL OF THIS. THEY ARE ABLE SAY YOUR NAME WITHOUT A WHIRLWIND OF HORROR RUNNING THRU THEIR MIND, SMILE THINKING OF YOUR ANTICS, ABOUT SO MANY THINGS, I THINK OF YOU AND WANT TO KEEP SMILING, BUT IN AN INSTANT THAT SMILE TURNS TO TEARS AND SILENT MANIAC SCREAMS WANTING TO FALL TO THE GROUND BANGING MY HEAD. I GO ON WITH LIFE IN A MESS OF MENTAL HELL. LIVING EACH DAY LOVING YOUR BROTHER WITH ALL I HAVE, TRYING NOT TO BE SCARED FOR HIM TO LIVE HIS LIFE. IT IS SO EASY FOR OTHERS TO TRY TO GIVE ADVICE TRY TO MAKE IT SOUND BETTER? I AM LIVING IN A MESS OF HELL AND WITH EVERY BREATH THE QUESTIONS ARE THERE WITH NO ANSWERS TO FILL IN THE BLANKS. I CONTINUE TO BE TRAPPED IN SO MANY WAYS
I JUST LOVE AND MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH.

Do you know Harper?

             Today after Harper got up from her nap ,I brought her out and sat with her on my lap in the recliner.  She sleeps in your room Trevor, but maybe you know this.... Maybe you talk to her??? Maybe she sees you??? I don't really know for sure. But today I got the feeling you visit her. 
    short story- I do know in our family there have been stories of the people who have passed who have visited., even your gramma Jan's brother came to her at the end of her bed.  
       I know you probably heard or know the story of Auntie Jenny when she was small. We were visiting Gramma and  she was upstairs in Gramma Dorothy's house and she was chatting not making much sense. The adults in the kitchen below heard and listened thru the air vents and wondered what the hell is going on, who is she talking to? After her coming down she was asked who she was talking to and she said with certainty "Uncle Billy" Thing is your Auntie Jenny NEVER knew him, never met him and wasn't even aware that she even had a Uncle Billy. He was 28 when he died and it was ions before her being born. 
         Anyway we sat in the chair today and she watched bubble guppies for a few seconds and then bent forward and looked to the left where your picture sits on the end table. She bent forward more and she giggled, I saw her smile and screech and then she waved and looked at me and looked back and waved to you and kept smiling and bouncing. 
       She knows your brother and his picture sits on the table to the right. She bent again and looked and him and smiled and looked at me, but again turned and stared at your picture and she looked at me like ( hey it's Him )and waved and waved again. Immediately I felt my breath stop and the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I could not help myself from breaking down. My heart was so touched from the endearing look she gave to you. I of course and beyond sad but this gave me a overwhelming feeling of you being in your room.  I have seen several times her waking up and she stares at a certain point in your room and laughs and chatters.  Is it you that she is seeing, hearing, chatting with somehow.
         If it is you why can't I have you with me, and know for sure. I want to see , hear and feel you are here with me. I want something more concrete than just half thinking ok yea You are around ,but  really I just don't know for sure.
        I miss you so completely. My life so not put together, I am not together, my life it is not as full, it seems like I am not even really living in the real world, is sometimes just such a empty feeling I wonder why bother to keep feeling the pain over and over. If ever there was a time I understand the feeling of despair it is right in front of my face, in my mind, my heart and the question repeats if I will ever be able to feel real again.  
        

The Struggle is soooooooo VERY REAL.

       I know I am not directly or remotely connected to this recent Florida shooting, but I am struggling with this mentally. It has affected me like just a knife in the chest emotionally. I know there have been other shootings that are just as tragic and I am not dismissing them by any means or dismissing those that are affected by the trauma of  being involved.         I look at the faces of the people, but the focus of the faces of these young children immediately stings my mind and heart. That then brings all my still raw emotions to the very place at the top of the surface I try so badly to keep underneath. These children should be laughing, hanging out with friends, learning, loving their families. They should be living, breathing and being able to be hugged and loved in the real time in the now.Not being remembered, REMEMBERED.
        The memories of yesterdays and their fresh faces will rush thru the minds of their parents. All their memories will flash at a pace you never thought your mind could go. All the laughs, cries, smiles, accomplishments and  then all of the everything that they should of been able to continue to make and do. As their mind races with all of that it is also preoccupied with the most horrible unreal things they are experiencing and will..... Arriving to the place where your dead child lays for you to actually see what you repeat over and over in your head can't possibly be true. Where you walk with great hesitation thru a doorway till your eyes meet the sight of their lifeless body and then you lose every sense of EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in this whole universe.
               The disbelief is like a airplane propeller slapping you in the face like a nuclear bomb. You can't even think of controlling a single ounce of your whole being,. First gasping for any air that might be able to squeeze thru the almost non existent airway,  trembling, barely able to keep yourself from collapsing again like when you initially heard the words you should NEVER hear, and then the CRYING AND SCREAMING.............. Out loud - inside like fire raging thru the trees it is endless and you CAN'T STOP. The words that are coming out you can't even hear because the scream is still echoing in your ears, yet the permanent silence that comes from your dead motionless, cold child is deafening. THEN...... You have to leave them there.              The longest couple hours of your life.... the daunting tasks of planning to put your child in a casket, pick flowers, a signature book, remembrances cards what to put on them and trying to write a obituary, something so everyone would know how amazing they were, but there isn't enough room and everything you would want to say would deplete your retirement savings because it is all so ridiculously expensive.  
            Picture boards who will do them? will I have to? do I want to? Do I want anyone else do them when I was the closest thing to being one with my child. You want them perfect or as perfect as you can make them in the zombie like state your in . Going thru picture after picture so many to even choose from. The memories again flooding like a fast forward x100. Your brain can't keep up with the millions of things speeding thru your numbness. Plain and simple you feel as though your insides are like the grand canyon and everything is so loud but muffled at the same time, you feel like you want to throw up,  Your eyes hurt, your nose raw, your head aches and your whole body feels a pain like no other. Your heart feels like it is going to burst or explode like from solid rock to dust.
          Without experiencing the movie scene your body feels literally like someone rammed their clawed wicked hand into your chest and ripped the only thing that kept you alive.
          Oh yes! Lets not forget Mr. & Mrs. please remember to bring a couple pictures for reference so we can make your dead child's face look as close to being alive as possible.
                 The several hours spent at the  actual funeral are like a out of body experience. This isn't happening, that is not my child, this is just a bad horrid nightmare..................but in the unrealistic view you sure as hell know you don't ever want to leave the side of that casket, Don't want to leave them because this is the only time you have left. THE ONLY TIME TO BE ABLE TO SEE , TOUCH ,TALK AND HAVE THEIR BODY THE BEING YOU MADE, KNOW THAT RIGHT THEN THEY ARE STILL WITH YOU. YOU STILL HAVE THEM THEIR BEING.AND THAT LAST TIME WITH YOUR CHILD, THE CHILD YOU CHOSE TO SHARE FOR THSOE HOURS ARE SO LONG YET GO TO COMPLETELY FAST.
     You thought the hell was happening and it has been but the very last kiss, touch or whisper is now again the beginning of the new hell you have to live.
                
         *****  So there is the first mom to do an interview she is standing there, she starts talking, I know she is totally numb you can see it, she is a shell the shell I still feel like. EMPTY eyes distant and still in disbelief even though she is reliving every moment as her mouth moves. I feel my breath held and feel the rage. My body already tense and my heart beating a million miles a minute with the tears streaming down my face before she even has one word spill from her lips. I want to lose my mind screaming I want to throw things,  She talks..... wanting so badly for someone to make this better to help her to make the pain go away but there is nothing NOTHING that can be said or done. Her world has come crashing down and she losses her mind starts talking louder and then yelling and screaming for anyone to hear and respond. The desperation in her voice is heart wrenching and my chest hurts, I can't hold in the vibrations of the hard crying,

https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/15/politics/mom-pleads-with-trump-after-daughter-slain-in-school-shooting-newsroom-brooke-baldwin-cnntv/index.html

 I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP SO MANY NIGHTS I CAN'T EVEN COUNT, I WAKE AND CAN'T GO BACK TO SLEEP BECUASE THIS IS MY LIFE/NIGHTMARE.
     IT IS ME. THIS IS WHO I AM EVERYDAY, EVERY MINUTE EVERY SECOND. INSIDE THIS IS ME. WHILE HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE ,WHILE GOING OUT WITH FRIENDS, HAVING COFFEE, WHILE WATCHING TV, SHOPPING, DRIVING IN THE CAR, LAYING IN BED, GETTING UP SHOWERING, CELEBRATING MY ONLY SON LEFT ALL HIS WONDERFUL ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND THE THINGS HE IS BECOMING THE JOY HE GIVES ME AND THE LOVE I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE I HAVE FOR HIM. . I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WHAT I AM, WANT TO DO WITH EVERY BREATH I CAN TAKE.

                         THE STRUGGLE SO VERY REAL, THE PAIN EXCRUSIATING, NEVER ENDING AND ITS NOT GOING ANYWHERE EVER.