The Wheel

Just a normal day, normal daaaay? I wish I had those in life still. Its always a spinning wheel and you never know where its gonna land. Most times you land on a new day of the repeat of numb, disbelief, memory loss, fog, pain and tears. You really never know to what level it will reach and then there are the days it lands on shit storm. Simple vacuuming brought me to my knees. Today the simple chore took me down the hall and into your room. I stepped in took a deep breath and got about 3 swipes in, before I screamed at the top of my lungs. The dogs came running as they do when it happens. Babbling the same words as always and thru the blurred water I Look at all your things. All of your favorite mementos, trophies, Your construction barrel, street sign, all the pictures of so many years of your life. The life I was supposed to teach, preach, protect and save. Apparently I grabbed the non waterproof mascara today because after kneeling at your bed sobbing and pleading for answers that never come, I caught a glimpse in your mirror and I looked worse than Alice Cooper. I finished your carpet as I sobbed and thought to myself, I'll dust another day.

These r the kind of pictures I now think to now document to capture days or moments I have. I write my own book to look back at maybe... someday to read and feel like I WAS/AM strong, stronger than I never feel. To see that my pain and reality were and r real and that in my real world I dont have the  unrealistic wish of you, expecting to walk thru that door anytime.  Still  and forever my heart broken and hurting , but knowing I continue to overcome or get thru even the toughest of days, minutes, seconds when it feels like I should just give in to the pain.

 After settling down I had a large bottle of expired pills to dispose. I drove there.....I sat in my car eyes welled for a good 10-15 min several times saying I'll do it another day. Dreading even looking at the entrance. Again taking a huge deep breath, I wiped whatever was left of my mascara and got out of the car with my head down. I got to the back of the car and there I stared with my breath stopped. I felt as though someone kicked me in the chest full force. Walking up I must of paused what seemed like a hundred times, and as I reached the steps my body felt this pain, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I felt like I couldnt breathe like a plastic bag was surrounding my face. In my mind even though seconds passed,that day, the visions and every word and silent scream every second played over and over. I felt weak and sick to my stomach wanting to just fall, but reality pushed me forward as I knew there would certainly be a confusing scene for those around. With my breath held I entered the doors your dad pretty much had to carry me thru that day, and approached the window. I pretended just like a professional actress, went thru the steps in numbness and it seemed like I held my breath the entire time. I finished, quickly walked, pushed the doors, walked past the dreaded patch of concrete where my body collapsed and lay 3 years, 9 months and 6 days ago. I barely reached the car door frantically fumbling with my keys struggling to get in the car fast enough to repeat and continue where the wheel landed today. Crying uncontrollably with my head in my hands I look up and realized a older couple in their car had been watching me. I started the car, hands shaking, backed up and continued to cry with sporadic inhales and whimpers the whole way home. These , everyday these are the moments the wheel brings. I MISS AND LOVE YOU SO MUCH TREVOR I WISH SO BADLY THERE WAS NO WHEEL. XOXOX MOM