Still The Same And So Tired

As if Life’s Mental state really isn’t enough. People who live with depression struggle every single day. Let’s add living with seasonal fing depression and the weather that continues to feed it. the forced life you now lead that’s beyond depression. Opening your eyes to another day knowing one of your children WON’T ever smile at you, hug you, tell you stories from his day, make you laugh , NEVER EVER walk thru the door again and tell you he loves you. If that’s not enough ..... let’s add the new anxiety you deal with that’s so debilitating you feel dizzy, weak, shake, feel like your heart is going to explode and you literally have to throw up. The energy you don’t have because missing a piece of you is truly more exhausting than you ever thought you could feel. The guilt of not knowing ( something hidden from your super mom powers) The guilt of not being able to protect and save that child, The guilt of feeling you SHOULD BE A BETTER mother to your living child but this uncontrollable emptiness and physically excruciating pain consumes you. I KNOW it’s all with good intentions and those who love you say it in hopes that it eases a tiny pc of what is killing you. That it’s not my fault, that I was and am still a good mom. I don’t hold it against those wonderful people in my life. What you hear you want to be true and you want to feel like that mom, like the old mom you once were. You want your smiles and saying I’m ok to be genuine, to not feel like a fake, to enjoy life, to be able to put the never ending thoughts that fill your mind to the side even when you laugh, you want to feel like spending time with your friends and family instead of putting your pjs on immediately after work and not want to do anything. Scared to have those emotions and outbursts because you yourself don’t want to upset the 2 other loved ones that are directly affected by Trevor being dead. Scared you will be pitied, that you will eventually have no friends or acquaintances, you will be resented by people because you cancel or don’t return messages, forget to wish happy birthdays because your mind is foggy. That you Don’t reach out to those you love. You feel horrible but not doing is just so much easier, than the effort that you HAVE TOO pretend. You don’t want people walk on eggshells, to be uncomfortable to fear they will make you cry at the mention of your child’s name. You feel like you shouldn’t rant about your problems on social media not looking for attention or pity, but u do anyway in hopes it makes others read into your hell and not want that for those they love. You really and truly yearn for your old life , the person you once were, the one you grieve with alongside your child being dead. It DOES NOT make me wonder anymore why some parents become alcoholics, that they lose their jobs because they can’t function, that marriages fall apart and regardless who they have and all that support them they just want to die from this life to not have to deal with the pain any longer. Don’t feel obligated to comment Know that I Thank You for your love and support. ❤️

Broken

3AM wake up, Memories, Spinning - Racing thoughts, the times that will NEVER come I WISH Every New Morning Was Still My Old Sunny Ones !

WHAT IS NORMAL ?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile because your child is missing from all the important events in your life.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving the day your child died, continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these days.
Normal is a heart warming and yet sinking feeling at the sight of something special your child loved.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention your child.
Normal is making sure that others remember your child.
Normal is everyone else eventually going on with their lives.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to your loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
Normal is taking medication now, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone except someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with other grieving parents.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is asking why your child was taken instead of yours.
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and lost.
And last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

The Wheel

Just a normal day, normal daaaay? I wish I had those in life still. Its always a spinning wheel and you never know where its gonna land. Most times you land on a new day of the repeat of numb, disbelief, memory loss, fog, pain and tears. You really never know to what level it will reach and then there are the days it lands on shit storm. Simple vacuuming brought me to my knees. Today the simple chore took me down the hall and into your room. I stepped in took a deep breath and got about 3 swipes in, before I screamed at the top of my lungs. The dogs came running as they do when it happens. Babbling the same words as always and thru the blurred water I Look at all your things. All of your favorite mementos, trophies, Your construction barrel, street sign, all the pictures of so many years of your life. The life I was supposed to teach, preach, protect and save. Apparently I grabbed the non waterproof mascara today because after kneeling at your bed sobbing and pleading for answers that never come, I caught a glimpse in your mirror and I looked worse than Alice Cooper. I finished your carpet as I sobbed and thought to myself, I'll dust another day.

These r the kind of pictures I now think to now document to capture days or moments I have. I write my own book to look back at maybe... someday to read and feel like I WAS/AM strong, stronger than I never feel. To see that my pain and reality were and r real and that in my real world I dont have the  unrealistic wish of you, expecting to walk thru that door anytime.  Still  and forever my heart broken and hurting , but knowing I continue to overcome or get thru even the toughest of days, minutes, seconds when it feels like I should just give in to the pain.

 After settling down I had a large bottle of expired pills to dispose. I drove there.....I sat in my car eyes welled for a good 10-15 min several times saying I'll do it another day. Dreading even looking at the entrance. Again taking a huge deep breath, I wiped whatever was left of my mascara and got out of the car with my head down. I got to the back of the car and there I stared with my breath stopped. I felt as though someone kicked me in the chest full force. Walking up I must of paused what seemed like a hundred times, and as I reached the steps my body felt this pain, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I felt like I couldnt breathe like a plastic bag was surrounding my face. In my mind even though seconds passed,that day, the visions and every word and silent scream every second played over and over. I felt weak and sick to my stomach wanting to just fall, but reality pushed me forward as I knew there would certainly be a confusing scene for those around. With my breath held I entered the doors your dad pretty much had to carry me thru that day, and approached the window. I pretended just like a professional actress, went thru the steps in numbness and it seemed like I held my breath the entire time. I finished, quickly walked, pushed the doors, walked past the dreaded patch of concrete where my body collapsed and lay 3 years, 9 months and 6 days ago. I barely reached the car door frantically fumbling with my keys struggling to get in the car fast enough to repeat and continue where the wheel landed today. Crying uncontrollably with my head in my hands I look up and realized a older couple in their car had been watching me. I started the car, hands shaking, backed up and continued to cry with sporadic inhales and whimpers the whole way home. These , everyday these are the moments the wheel brings. I MISS AND LOVE YOU SO MUCH TREVOR I WISH SO BADLY THERE WAS NO WHEEL. XOXOX MOM