Still The Same And So Tired

As if Life’s Mental state really isn’t enough. People who live with depression struggle every single day. Let’s add living with seasonal fing depression and the weather that continues to feed it. the forced life you now lead that’s beyond depression. Opening your eyes to another day knowing one of your children WON’T ever smile at you, hug you, tell you stories from his day, make you laugh , NEVER EVER walk thru the door again and tell you he loves you. If that’s not enough ..... let’s add the new anxiety you deal with that’s so debilitating you feel dizzy, weak, shake, feel like your heart is going to explode and you literally have to throw up. The energy you don’t have because missing a piece of you is truly more exhausting than you ever thought you could feel. The guilt of not knowing ( something hidden from your super mom powers) The guilt of not being able to protect and save that child, The guilt of feeling you SHOULD BE A BETTER mother to your living child but this uncontrollable emptiness and physically excruciating pain consumes you. I KNOW it’s all with good intentions and those who love you say it in hopes that it eases a tiny pc of what is killing you. That it’s not my fault, that I was and am still a good mom. I don’t hold it against those wonderful people in my life. What you hear you want to be true and you want to feel like that mom, like the old mom you once were. You want your smiles and saying I’m ok to be genuine, to not feel like a fake, to enjoy life, to be able to put the never ending thoughts that fill your mind to the side even when you laugh, you want to feel like spending time with your friends and family instead of putting your pjs on immediately after work and not want to do anything. Scared to have those emotions and outbursts because you yourself don’t want to upset the 2 other loved ones that are directly affected by Trevor being dead. Scared you will be pitied, that you will eventually have no friends or acquaintances, you will be resented by people because you cancel or don’t return messages, forget to wish happy birthdays because your mind is foggy. That you Don’t reach out to those you love. You feel horrible but not doing is just so much easier, than the effort that you HAVE TOO pretend. You don’t want people walk on eggshells, to be uncomfortable to fear they will make you cry at the mention of your child’s name. You feel like you shouldn’t rant about your problems on social media not looking for attention or pity, but u do anyway in hopes it makes others read into your hell and not want that for those they love. You really and truly yearn for your old life , the person you once were, the one you grieve with alongside your child being dead. It DOES NOT make me wonder anymore why some parents become alcoholics, that they lose their jobs because they can’t function, that marriages fall apart and regardless who they have and all that support them they just want to die from this life to not have to deal with the pain any longer. Don’t feel obligated to comment Know that I Thank You for your love and support. ❤️