HOPE

 I haven't posted in forever, but today was a day I just needed to revisit diarrhea of the mind and mouth, really fingers lol.

This was today's blog and I thought I'd share. 

Today I sit here reflecting on so sooo many things. # 1 I now have been taking ketamine micro dosing treatments for 3 months.

Ketamine - Known for its anesthetic effects and therapeutic potential, ketamine is increasingly being used as a treatment for anxiety and depression. 
At lower doses, ketamine can disrupt negative feelings and preoccupations and help the brain create new, healthier patterns. Ketamine is a transformational medicine of the mind. It can rapidly —often within an hour or two— lift the symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other conditions. When people suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, their neurons become stunted with fewer connections. Ketamine helps repair this damage by stimulating the production of chemicals that act like fertilizer for the brain, restoring and strengthening connections between neurons. Ketamine can also offer relief from negative thoughts by normalizing activity in a part of the brain known as the default mode network. By altering connectivity in this part of the brain, ketamine can help people to break out of old thought patterns that cause anxiety and depression.

Most of my blogs have been with raw emotion, distress, exhaustion, Devastation, Desperation, panic, physical pain, disassociations, isolation, a lot of descriptive words sharing my complete heartache. 

My grief so vast, the void echos daily reminding me of what's missing to make me whole, that my friends and family will stay FOREVER.

I had never in my life thought I could have so many feelings, words to describe pain, in phrases, sentences. Its endless really, although it all feels the same to me.

I feel these hurdles the many I have are treacherous and feel so Un accomplishable, yet I continue to muster the strength to live another day. When you wake though there's been no miracle, no dreams come true, you wake bammmm there it is reality. The devastation starts over again and its evil and ugly, redundant and just so exhausting. I always hope that the next morning won't be so hard, the day be so meaningless. The air stale and a cloud of darkness hanging over you, even on the sunniest day. I yearn for an easier day. I'd like to feel a bit lighter, to feel a genuine smile and be ok with it, laugh and not feel the guilt and embarrassment of others and what they may think of me as a mother of a child who died from an overdose. Why is she smiling? Why is she laughing? How can she find joy? or Judgment well I guess she's over it because she is doing something (other than crying curled up in a ball on the floor.) These are things that I know can and can't be true, but I will say this with the loudest of voices and this is something TOTALLY unexpected for a lot of you that I am even saying these words.  

I DO DESERVE TO HAVE HAPPY TIMES; I DESERVE TO ALSO STILL BE DEVASTATED THAT MY SON IS DEAD. I AM ALOUD TO HAVE HORRENDOUS DAYS, HOURS, MINUTES, SECONDS, BUT I ALSO DO KNOW TREVOR WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE SAD. THAT IS SOMETHING I KNOW IS TRUE, BUT I KNOW HE ALSO DOESN'T HAVE A SAY, BECAUSE OF HIS STUPID DECISIONS AND BEING A LEADER THAT FOLLOWED. I ALSO DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY PLACE BETTER FOR TREVOR THAN RIGHT HERE WITH US, SOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO, NO HE'S NOT IN A BETTER PLACE!! THAT IS FOR DAMN SURE.....

There is so much I need to work on and I'm definitely NOT close to getting over those hurdles, but after these 3 months of Ketamine, I CAN say those words and believe it. After 3 months I feel something!!!!, something other than being dead all shriveled up and rotten inside. Like you're on a plane looking at Chicago lights from thousands of miles in the air. I feel that just 1 streetlight is on. Thats in my heart. I feel the beats, and not having it feel like its buried sunken treasure at the tippiest (I know probably not a word.) part of my toes.  I have not had suicidal contemplations or plans. That in itself is HUGE, I think anyway. I'm not saying I still don't have thoughts of no pain at all, but a flighting irrational thought is just that, flighting and that's a step in the right direction.

I guess I just wanted to jot some words down and toot my own horn for lighting that 1 streetlight. I STILL AM ALL THE HURDLES, BUT THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE!