No Direction

 I find my depression has kept me uninterested in so many things since Trevor died. For years now I know I've slipped waaaaay down past the dirt, Way out to sea not engaging in much. Feeling no joy is so extremely exausting, especially when others just cant comprehend. I wish they but not with the consequences. Yes, others also lost Trevor, but all that matters to me is I DON'T HAVE HIM HERE. When I say uninterested it means caring about nothing! House, friends, family, events, Can you imagine being genuinely happy and full life with a full family. To go from that, to feeling desolate, dead, dark and empty. It is something I could never have predicted would ever take over my being. If u know me you know I went from outgoing, bubbly, productive, creative, good friend and HAPPY, TRULY HAPPY person. I until recently, found no hope or so little joy in things. I still reach far into my soul, but missing a huge part of me takes the air out of me, like a blow up santa.  Some days I have good intentions of not sitting on the couch all day, day in and day out. Staying in my pj's not wanting to roll to the edge of the bed and step into another day without Trev.  I try to pep talk myself, but yet the motivation is 1 out of a billion and most times so rare that it constantly plays hookie from my life. I lean so hard on a man who.......( if you don't like mush its your time to go) supports me immensely. Loves me for my diagnosis's of crazy and is there to love me for me.

I used to vacuum every day, my house clean and organized. Since Trev died he picks up my half of responsibility in house duties and has now for years. Along with working full time and doing his own things. That guilt along with so much more eats at me. Soooooo there's another area of crazy, cause I know he loves me unconditionally and I would step up if he needed the support. I have seen that tiny spark of joy and wonder and hope it stays and continues to grow. I'm really not sure where this blog would take me. Not sure if it even makes sense,but I started it with not really a direction. So in the past week, I've done dishes, laundry, cleaned the fish tank and tried to focus on that spark. 

I'm not saying the days of bed, couch and Jammie are over, but it's a step.... and I hear it's 1 foot in front of the other.

💗 me