The Sun and the Moon

The snow is pretty.                                                                 Clouds are heavy today.

My hip hurts.                                                                    It's sunny out and I see darkness.

Hope Pete is safe at work.                                                Ky skateboarding in the basement.

I have to get together stuff for gramma party.                  Our wedding.

Trev laying on a gurney in the funeral home.                   How cold Trevor was.    

Taking the boys for their licenses.                                    Guilt of the mom I am now for Ky.

Pete dying.                                                                        Comical Rigsy. 

All the people gathered in our house the day Trevor died.    Ky's game with the high Air kick.

Trevor's empty bed.                                                          Thinking of vacation

Laying in the sun.                                                             Anticipation of upcoming vacation.

Feeling Trevor's skull glued as I ran my fingers thru his hair at the funeral home.

Screaming on the ground at the police station.                Ky training with Rigsy.

Wondering who really knew.                                           Ky putting his life on the line daily.

Despising the strangers who he was hanging with.         Guilt of not engaging.

looking at the door waiting for Trev to walk through,     Have to get a Pedi s

Question what kind a friend I am.                                    Therapy appts  

So grateful for having Hades.                                           Kys 6 mo old baby pic.

Laying in Trevor's bed crying.                                         Mix book projects.

Grammas 100th B-Day.                                                    Ky dying

Reliving getting home after police station.                      Falling in the back yard screaming.

Packing Trevor's things away.                                          Ky's graduation

Prom's.                                                                              Trevor's fist library card.   

Trevor's 1st place coloring contest in West Allis.            Ky's middle school haircut.

Ky Walking across the stage at graduation.                     I need to clean my craft room.

Upcoming weddings.                                                       Last vacation

Our Santa and glad she is safe.                                        Gramma dying

Have to sew the dogs' babies.                                          Grateful for our little house

Redoing the guest bed closet.                                          The Line at Trevor's funeral.

Cleaning basement.                                                          A friend's baby announcement

My room at the bin.                                                          Ky getting married? Kids?

Ky's first pumpkin farm trip.                                            Trev's coffin being put in cremation machine.

Seeing Pete and Ky on the steps of the police station falling to embrace in agony.

Speakers at Trev's Funeral.                                              Looking at my Dead son in a coffin.

Trev's eye not being fully closed when we sent to see him the first time. 

Trev's jersey on him at funeral.                                       building snowmen in the yard.

Trev's awards.                                                                  Trev's accomplishments at different times.

His last football game. 

And with the thoughts come the sun and the Moon fighting over the feel's GOOD, BAD, DEBILITATING, EXAUSTING and UGLY!

Panic, Sweating, nauseous, tremor's, headache, rapid, hard thumping of your heart, tight chest, crying, screaming, anger, empty, lost, miserable, unsteady, stressed, insecure, tornado winds, happiness, curiosity, no closure, racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, over or under eating, nervous, nostalgic, sad, grief stricken, erupting volcano, unsure, insignificant, drowning, judged, overwhelmed, exhausted, numb, proud.

Endless things thought of and so many words to describe, but barely limited to just these. This is just a few minutes of my days. It can be uplifting, then devasting and that Darkness is thick. Sometimes the real world feels out of reach and the tiny suffocating tunnel is long, and toxic.