Why and when, when, when will it stop

I've been scared to share the true raw, the true misery in fear of people taking things the wrong way, that people will be mad, that I will be hated, looked down on like I'm a bad person for who I've become or not understanding the true impact or damage and what I'm filled with.
But I sit by myself alone this morning in self pity and true misery diarrhea of the brain and mouth.
I have shared my story my feelings. I have been raw for people but never honestly raw. I want to be better,

I hate who I have become. My inner self is so self conscious and I dread going out with even my closet friends. I've tried Therapy and it didnt do anything to help me. Maybe it was too soon. I felt like this younger woman although nice I was resentful because she has both her children that she was going thru her professional motions that shes been schooled on, not knowing the first f- ing thing about what I am feeling, thinking and how I just want to die because I'm completely devastated. I hold so much in because I dont want my husband to worry more about my fragile emotional state. Or how my younger 23 year old son who is 11.5 mo younger than his dead brother is feeling or thinking that he never shares or shows. I know that they werent the same kind of people but he NEVER initiates I love yous, when I hug him it's as though he doesnt even like it or really reciprocate. Trevor used to be soooo loving to me, say I LOVE YOU MOM, HAVE THAT ENDEARING LOOK, GENUINELY MAKE ME FEEL LOVED. Sometimes I can go out and fake it great that I want to b there. Then theres times like last night where we r out with friends, who support me, but there r also people I dont know. I'm reserved in my state of complete fog, I cant fake I'm having a good time and I dont mingle. I think about how I just dont want to be there and I feel guilty because I feel like I'm stealing the time my husband can have. It doesnt help that nobody makes an effort to mingle with me either and I feel invisible and alone. Maybe it's because they think I need my space or they notice and dont want to set off the tornado of what could be a breakdown although I've not ever totally melted down or what they would know is a full breakdown, then I feel guilt because I expect them to try to save me from drowning. I used to be fun. Bubbly, outgoing and know how to live life free and completely and truly happy. I dont tell my husband how often I think to myself how better off I feel they would be if they didnt have to worry about me how I wouldnt feel like I'm sucking the life out of him and my son by living this new hated person I am. In the same thoughts I think I could never do it because my husband is amazing and I would hate to think of how he would be alone cause he would not start over, that I am told constantly that I am his everything and how it's better or worse that there is nobody else he would want to be with. How he would not continue our plan to move to the Caribbean in 8.5 years when he retirers. I want that life too, feeling it would help me, but it's so far in the future I have to suffer more till then. And maybe I'm living in a fantasy world and I'll continue my miserable existence for what seems like eternity. I recently retired from my own licensed child care buisness because of so many health issues and I'm just so exausted from pain, surgeries and let's mix in all the lovely new emotional issues anxiety, darkness, a broken heart, the complete guilt of not being able to see my son started doing drugs, that I didnt save him and how I feel like my younger son resents the person I am now, ontop of already being bipolar and predepressed. I would NEVER wish this pain on anybody, but I feel I'm becoming more bitter and angry. Why my son when others are given chance after chance and 4,5,10 lives, a neverending jealously that other parents have their kids that are Trevor's friends and people in my life can enjoy their lives. Everyone's life keeps evolving and my life seems to stand totally still as everything around me circles is the happy world. Trevor died June 29th of 2015 at 20 years old of a overdose at a home of a person I didnt know. He just never came home and I thought nothing out of it till his girlfriend came to our house cause he never showed for work. How she and my younger son left to see where he could be. How I NEVER even for a second thought he could be in a morgue laying cold and lifeless. How No I never received a call or personal notification that there was anything wrong and after almost 7 hours later I had to finally contact the police office thinking maybe he was in a car accident or arrested, for could be what I didnt know and still how even when I contacted the police station and they just told me I should come and even pulling into the parking lot seeing his girlfriend on the front steps crying it still NEVER dawned on me that he was dead until we reached those steps and she said TREVOR IS GONE!!!! Like arrested? And then my younger son walked out of the door looking like the life had been sucked from his being and he confirmed with words. Like in the movies my life was shattered I collapsed to the concrete, life went black, screaming so loud I couldnt hear myself, people staring at me cause I was beyond controllable. I am still in disbelief that there were over 2000 people who were at his funeral how there was a 1.5 he wait to get to us. How we took up 2 rooms full seats with standing room packed, like a amusement part twisted lines. I greeted EVERY person and for every young person asked them to never do this to their parents, how those parts are hazed because I was drugged on one of the 2 very things that killed him. The only CLEAR AS DAY MEMORY I HAVE IS MY HUSBAND DRAGGING ME, MAKING ME LEAVE MY BABYS BODY. HOW I FOUGHT TO TURN MY WHOLE BODY AND TUG AWAY, WITH MY HUSBAND HOLDING ME TIGHT AS I PLEADED TO LET ME STAY AND GUIDING THE BODY THAT COULD COLLAPSE ALL OVER AGAIN. INSTEAD OF JUST MY HEAD STRAINED NEVER TAKING MY EYES OFF OF MY SON LEAVING HIM ALL ALONE , HIS FACE BLOTCHY FROM PEOPLE RUBBING HIS FACE, KISSING HIM AND THE SERVICE GOING ALMOST AN HOUR AFTER OUR ENDING TIME, LOOKING AT HIS FACE FOR THE LAST TIME TILL I ROUNDED THE DOOR AND HE WAS OUT OF SIGHT. Then to go to the funeral home crematorium to watch his casket being rolled into the huge burning vault, knowing I was burning my baby, but knowing if I buried him he wouldnt physically be with me every day. I want so badly and still sometimes feel like this could be a dream and hes gonna come thru the door with his big brown eyes, smile and hug me. I WANT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING TO NOT LIVE EVERYDAY IN THIS EXISTENCE I HATE LIVING IN. I DONT BEGRUDGE THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN THEIR OWN GOD OR HIGHER BEING. IN MY WORLD THERE IS NO HIGHER BEING TO HELP ME, THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE, HIS TIME HERE WAS NOT DONE, THERE IS NO PURPOSE ANYWHERE FOR HIM TO HELP, WHAT HIGHER BEING WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ALL STEAL MY BABY, RIP HIM FROM MY LIFE IN AN INSTANT. NO IN MY LIFE IS A OVERCAST OF DARKNESS AND MISERY. I WANT OUT, IM TIRED OF THE PAIN, BUT I STAY TO KEEP MY HUSBAND AND SON FROM MORE PAIN. WHY, WHY WHY? ITS NEVER ANSWERED. WHEN, WHEN WILL IT END?????

1 WISH

If I could, I would only have 1 Christmas wish , just 1 that is all I would need.... It is all I want to be able to have. I know it is not possible and I HATE IT , to this day even though I know its real there is still a disbelief to this whole new life I have.   Everyday is torture but the holidays are so extremely hard. I think about your famous Santa hat that you wore EVERY Christmas. I see your smile and hear your laugh, I just wish I could hug and kiss you, smell your scent that has slowly disappeared from all your room. I smell your things desperately searching for the slightest of your scent and when I don't find it I am crushed to the ends of the earth. Today Dad and I went to brunch as we do every Sunday. We drive down chase to get to KK and every time we drive past the 1st funeral home you were at my stomach feel like its being hit with a huge sledge hammer over and over and then I feel like I'm going to throw up. That is the funeral home we went to,We sat in a room in a total haze and picked flowers walked thru a room with caskets, picked a signature book, cards and had to write a obituary. A obituary Trevor something I should of never had to do. It is where we first were able to see you.

After the planning we were asked R U READY????? R U READY they ask, Yes, No..... No I want to  make sure its real. Its a mistake it has to be...… we were lead to the double doors that the director opened slowly and with much hesitation I moved forward with my head down. Reaching the threshold lifting my head slightly and looking to the left I saw you laying there. Immediately everything went numb. IT WAS YOU! HOW COULD THIS BE TRUE? I froze, started shaking and screamed your name, Noooo, Why? With every all sight and sound that memory is etched and tortures me everyday.

I know my only wish in this whole life will never come true and it hurts hurts so terribly. 

I miss you which saying it doesn't even touch the surface of how much.

I love you Trevor Love you so much

<3 Momma

HATE

This week is filled with that lingering anguish and is a ferociously angry week. 

Within The Things I have become to HATE

I HATE- That I don’t get to see your smile with my eyes instead of the memory that is clouded by missing you. 

I HATE- That your laugh is within the those ear piercing screams in my head.

I HATE- That your room is empty and it’s impossible to keep the smell of you from disappearing

I HATE- That I cannot hug and kiss you with your genuine return

I HATE- That there have been literally times I hate to admit I tossed around in my head that I seriously just want to end it all.

I HATE- That I am sobbing inside between every thought, chore, excitement, second , motion, happy smile, proudness, and What seems to be a strength or braveness others see

I HATE- That I feel like I’m letting my living child down, how horrible of a mother I feel like, How He should get everything I have and Even though I know what I should be strong and able to know his thoughts for him to be able to share with me, to take away the pain he carries. 

I HATE- That I can’t hold it together in my alone times, that I can’t enjoy my busy times of hobby or just not doing anything

I HATE- That therapy has not helped me, that People say try again, being involved in mom groups is just me reading about their misery and talking about how devastated we are and about how we will never just be good and get over it.

I HATE- The I should therapy directed to think of happy things to block out the visions of me collapsing on the concrete being told you were gone, seeing you laying in a gurney that they tried to make nicer by covering you with a quilt. Feeling your cold hard body, seeing a blood spot from the embalming machine, feeling the part of your skull that was super glued back together when stroking your hair, your body in a casket people kissing you, barely remembering that last night but The LAST MOMENTS WITH YOU AND HAVING TO BE FORCED TO LEAVE YOU THERE

I HATE- That Closing my eyes at night wishing for this to be just a nightmare and opening them knowing a day like yesterday is greeting me

I HATE- That I can’t , Don’t know how to get the old me back, that it has disappeared. I hate the person I’ve become, the things in my mind, the grief I feel. 

I HATE- That I can’t make others understand what they think I should have or want from me or think will help is like a completely deaf person hearing. 

I HATE- that I am physically and mentally exhausted and I just would like it all to work and want to be the old me. 

I HATE- That people feel sorry for me, and Seeing Trevor not be part of what his friends are doing, that his friends are moving on, that he is dissolved from anything that he and was supposed to been doing. 

I HATE- That IM SORRY BUT DO IT ANYWAY that IM pitiful, that I lay here in my dark bedroom saturating my pillow with tears, sharing my misery to the world, but to maybe hope to turn someone around

I HATE- That he was stolen from me, that those who knew of any problem or information (except one person who told me truths after the fact) who sometimes I’m furious with but GRATEFUL if that can be in the same- didn’t come to me, that he was able to hide it, How I WAS BLIND, How I didn’t see something, that I am  and feel guilty, How I thought he knew he could come to me with ANYTHING , That he didn’t, think I would of done ANYTHING IN MY POWER, GIVE MY LIFE to Help him, That he was and me and his Dad and Brother we’re cheated for ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING

THAT I COULD NOT SAVE HIM

Thank u in advance for caring enough to read all the way thru and supporting me even if it doesn’t seem like I care or appreciate

The moment our child died is now, yesterday, tomorrow, forever. It is the past, the present, and the future. It was not just one finite horrific moment in time that happened last whenever. It is not just the moment, the hour, the second, the millisecond our life became permanently divided into before and after.

You might say, “But she died last year!” Or 10 years ago, or five. No. No, she didn’t.

Our child dies all over again every morning we wake up.

And again every moment they are (yet again) missing.

And again every moment in between.

And again every breath we take.

Our child dies again every moment they are not here with us– for the rest of our lives." - Angela Miller

Opening up

I haven’t written here is quite some time. Even though I want to I feel it redundant and even though I know some will maybe read part of any gibberish, just maybe it will reach some. Help some, help some help someone else, try to make people understand which I know is right next to impossible. Maybe it will help others understand the person I was, how this has affected the already broken. How a person with mental health issues has added pressure because the embarrassment and thoughts of others thinking if u talk about it it’s drawing attention, which is the last thing they want. Maybe it to have others  Understand the uninterested maybe bitter person I feel like I have become, how unbelievably alone you feel. Maybe it does nothing and that is sometimes why you just skip it all because it’s too much to write or talk about. Anyway

This was put on fb from someone I know.

How many of you have had a night out planned, or arranged coffee with friends and suddenly the 4 walls you inhabit seem the only safe haven because it's the only place you don't have to pretend you are ok, so you cancel. Or when you are invited out you tell them how terribly sorry you are but you're already booked up that weekend, when you are actually just really busy holding it together in your safe box. And so the first problem starts, all by itself. People stop asking you and the isolation that at first wasn't true becomes your only truth.

Please don't give up on your friends. Ring them, go round, even when they don't want you to. Because they really do, they just don't know how to say it.

I'm going to make a bet, without being pessimistic, that out of my Facebook friends that less than five will take the time to put this on their wall to help raise awareness for those who have mental health difficulties. You just have to copy it from my wall and paste it to yours (hold down on my post and you will be given the option to copy... then go to your status and hold down to paste).

Who will be my five, I wonder?

🙏

Mental Health Awareness

#timetotalk.

That’s ME! Before this life at least medication would suppress. My life for as wonderful as I have it with the gorgeous vacations, the most LOVING, SUPPORTIVE,AMAZING man by my side and a son who loves me. This new found anxiety and on the outside the unseen deepest depression possible It has broken me down beyond imaginable. There are those u know thru people who r there and disappear when the fog has lifted or they think it has or time has passed. Those you aren’t super close with but know they care and want to be able to help your soul. Then you have your most inner circle and family who are lost in the fact that they have no idea how to help, still have no clue or fathom your pain and would do ANYTHING to make it disappear. The unfortunate truth is No matter how many people are there for u, u feel completely alone, your once had self confidence is obsolete, you feel helpless, you feel like ears have been stolen from you, the physical pain... Is it really there or real ? Is it the misery in your body that is breaking it down,. you feel like your in someone else’s shell and the soundless screams are only heard in your mind. You want to snap out of the misery, but it continues to eat you from the inside out. It literally is a miserable existence , but you press on because you feel guilty enough to not want to hurt those you love.

Mothers Day / PLUS

    Mothers Day has past and this is late, but as time goes on I have no new words. This day I sat holding you crying my eyes out, cradling this hard cold container with you inside, I laid on your bench thinking how this can be true, how this is so unfair yes selfish and WHY ME? WHY YOUR DAD? AND WHY OUR BROTHER?. I sit and lay sobbing out loud probably with the whole neighborhood hearing me. I didn't care Trevor.
     I cry EACH & EVERYDAY whether it be inside or out. the cry's are sometimes soft and muffled. a lot of times they are muted as to hide them in the shower or other room as to not bring attention to myself even now from your brother and your dad. Only to come out nose full of snot and eyes swollen and painful. Sometimes it is uncontrollable out loud and loud enough you think the windows should be closed and if they are closed everyone still hears me. NOTHING < NOTHING is closes o being like what its the constant in my mind. When I talk , When I laugh, When I shop, When I lay in the sun, When I am on vacation, When I am with my friends, When I am  day dreaming my nightmare, When I am laying in your bed asking you why, When I am talking to your empty room, your pictures, When I am silently dying inside, I literally feel my body melting away, When I am holding your Dad as he cry's or holds it in because I am a total train wreck, When I am loving your brother being proud of him, TRYING to LIVE FOR HIM TREVOR. YOU NOT BEING HERE SUCKS EVERY OUNCE OF ENERGY THAT I HAVE. Most times the cry's in my mind they are screeches , screams so loud, most times they are ear piercing wretched sounds of extreme pain, the brink of death tortured sounds, sounds that are so loud you can't hear yourself, like you can't be living, Breathing not even in your mind. Your  whole being hurts, your moods are swirled, your facial expressions have become something you don't want to accept. I know other people may like, care and love me, but that honestly is not enough. MANY,  MANY times it crosses my mind to leave this world, to end the sounds, feelings, visions and the beyond extreme pain. Why can't I be like other's who let their life live because they know their loved one would want that. It is this life I feel I only exit for just 2, 2 people....Your dad and your brother. Sometimes I think my pain and heartbreak that I bring upon them, the unstableness, the person that I can't be mental-ness would be something they could get over...... Nope , NO NO I KNOW it is not true and that is what keeps me here. I WILL NOT DO THAT TO THEM ONLY...ONLY because I know what pain and devastation it would bring them.  I know I have read other's feel like I do, but it isn't me, it isn't my own feeling, its not the pain I live from losing MY son, OUR relationship,  It isn't the unrealistic life I live, my own pain, the pre curser of my mental illness.
       Yes This is me saying it and those who read this will now know,  only a few actually knew of until now.  Something I feel people will think I'm crazy like oh goooood from the title of it,  , looked at as being a threat,  is one of those people for, Something I am even though I have said it, am ashamed of, Something I feel is judged no matter who you are and how much love you have from the people you know, and don't really know, Something that even with medication is sometimes out of control, Is something that just adds to this living hell I can't let go, can't get better from, that I feel I will be stuck in this mode that rest of my life from.  It is still 4 years later thinking god Dawn!!!! REALLY? GET OVER THIS, PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF HEARING IT, WHY AM I SHARING?? I DON"T EXPECT PITTY AND PEOPLE REALLY DO THINK THATS WHY I AM TALKING< CRYING< FEEING< SHARING. AND THEN I think this is not even happening right, This really can't be my family, the son I thought I knew, The son that was close to his dad, Who I thought was close enough to his brother, Who I thought was close to me, Who I thought I taught right from wrong, Who I thought I scared enough TREVORRRRR  to say no to the very things that killed you. WHO I THOUGHT COULD COME TO ME WITH ANYTHING WHO COULD ASK ME FOR HELP, GIVE ME CHANCE TO HELP TO SAVE YOU... WHY WEREN'T YOU THAT SON????? TREV WHY?????
     I still think sometimes....When will you come home, when will you call me, come home and tell me shitty days of work, tell me stories of his friends that would make me laugh, that would say stupid T.V phrases and laugh about, wrestle with your brother and dad, sass back to me , be crabby , be loving, funny, crazy. Who would leave silly and loving notes out of nowhere, WHO WILL COME IN AND HUG ME < KISS MY CHEEK< TELLLLLLL ME HE LOVES ME. Who will leave me another text, A text I don't have to say with fear and terror, the unknown NEVER TO IMAGINE IT WOULD BE YOUR DEAD, A text I can respond to..... Will you be home for dinner, Dad's making, How was work, Going to bed and  I LOVE YOU TREV!!!!
 Instead of WHERE R U???? PLEASE TEXT ME WHERE R U????

Trapped

Trevor I MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM EVERYDAY ALL DAY. There is NOT NOT 1 SINGLE DAY I DON’ T CRY, SOMETIMES ALL DAY ONLY TO WIPE THE TEARS AND BE NORMAL WHEN OTHERS ARE AROUND. TO SOB IN THE SHOWER WITH THE WATER BEING LESS THAN THE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE. MY HEART IS SO BROKEN, NOTHING MAKES IT BETTER, NOTHING MAKES IT EASIER,NOTHING MAKES WHAT HAPPENED OK, NOTHING TAKES THE VISIONS/ NIGHTMARES AND TEARS AWAY. TIME........ TIME some people say..... ONLY HAS MADE IT WORSE, I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU, I AM SUPPOSED TO ENJOY LIFE LIKE IT WAS, IM SUPPOSED TO NOT HAVE ANGER & GUILT. I HATE THAT I DIDN’T SEE THIS, I HATE THAT I WASN’T GIVEN A CHOICE, A OPPORTUNITY TO HELP YOU, I WOULD OF GIVEN MY LIFE TO SAVE YOU, JUST LIKE I WOULD YOUR BROTHER.

OTHERS GO ON AND ARE NOT TORMENTED BY ALL OF THIS. THEY ARE ABLE SAY YOUR NAME WITHOUT A WHIRLWIND OF HORROR RUNNING THRU THEIR MIND, SMILE THINKING OF YOUR ANTICS, ABOUT SO MANY THINGS, I THINK OF YOU AND WANT TO KEEP SMILING, BUT IN AN INSTANT THAT SMILE TURNS TO TEARS AND SILENT MANIAC SCREAMS WANTING TO FALL TO THE GROUND BANGING MY HEAD. I GO ON WITH LIFE IN A MESS OF MENTAL HELL. LIVING EACH DAY LOVING YOUR BROTHER WITH ALL I HAVE, TRYING NOT TO BE SCARED FOR HIM TO LIVE HIS LIFE. IT IS SO EASY FOR OTHERS TO TRY TO GIVE ADVICE TRY TO MAKE IT SOUND BETTER? I AM LIVING IN A MESS OF HELL AND WITH EVERY BREATH THE QUESTIONS ARE THERE WITH NO ANSWERS TO FILL IN THE BLANKS. I CONTINUE TO BE TRAPPED IN SO MANY WAYS
I JUST LOVE AND MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH.

Do you know Harper?

             Today after Harper got up from her nap ,I brought her out and sat with her on my lap in the recliner.  She sleeps in your room Trevor, but maybe you know this.... Maybe you talk to her??? Maybe she sees you??? I don't really know for sure. But today I got the feeling you visit her. 
    short story- I do know in our family there have been stories of the people who have passed who have visited., even your gramma Jan's brother came to her at the end of her bed.  
       I know you probably heard or know the story of Auntie Jenny when she was small. We were visiting Gramma and  she was upstairs in Gramma Dorothy's house and she was chatting not making much sense. The adults in the kitchen below heard and listened thru the air vents and wondered what the hell is going on, who is she talking to? After her coming down she was asked who she was talking to and she said with certainty "Uncle Billy" Thing is your Auntie Jenny NEVER knew him, never met him and wasn't even aware that she even had a Uncle Billy. He was 28 when he died and it was ions before her being born. 
         Anyway we sat in the chair today and she watched bubble guppies for a few seconds and then bent forward and looked to the left where your picture sits on the end table. She bent forward more and she giggled, I saw her smile and screech and then she waved and looked at me and looked back and waved to you and kept smiling and bouncing. 
       She knows your brother and his picture sits on the table to the right. She bent again and looked and him and smiled and looked at me, but again turned and stared at your picture and she looked at me like ( hey it's Him )and waved and waved again. Immediately I felt my breath stop and the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I could not help myself from breaking down. My heart was so touched from the endearing look she gave to you. I of course and beyond sad but this gave me a overwhelming feeling of you being in your room.  I have seen several times her waking up and she stares at a certain point in your room and laughs and chatters.  Is it you that she is seeing, hearing, chatting with somehow.
         If it is you why can't I have you with me, and know for sure. I want to see , hear and feel you are here with me. I want something more concrete than just half thinking ok yea You are around ,but  really I just don't know for sure.
        I miss you so completely. My life so not put together, I am not together, my life it is not as full, it seems like I am not even really living in the real world, is sometimes just such a empty feeling I wonder why bother to keep feeling the pain over and over. If ever there was a time I understand the feeling of despair it is right in front of my face, in my mind, my heart and the question repeats if I will ever be able to feel real again.