Not just another day

Sometimes there may be a repeat of what was on FB. I think this will be the place I will keep it for though, because I think maybe people just might be getting tired of me crying out loud.

For me there is no tired of it, there is not a choice, there is no relief or clear thinking.

Everyday does mix into the next, but the 29th is a day that stands out because it brings the nightmare front and center again and again more so than the other days. What I felt on this day is pain like

NO OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Yesterday Just another day??????

Maybe for some, but to me it was 2 month mark of the WORST day of my life. The day my limbs became numb and stopped working. The day I dropped everything with a glass shattering scream and melted onto the cement in front of steps of GF police Dept. The day my lungs lost breath, my heart was twisted, ripped out of my chest and EXPLODED. The day our lives became a empty daily living HELL.

 

I am so extremely tired, so tired of being exhausted, not being able to catch up no matter how long I sleep or don't sleep, my chest a constant ache, my mind so full of nightmares. My heart relentlessly breaks everyday worst than the last. No give in emotion no give in the torment I feel.

 

 I just want to close my eyes open them and have this be the biggest nightmare I have ever had.

I would give anything to have you here again

I LOVE U TREV...............

Fibers Of Love

 
While the three of us are left and stuck in this life that is a never ending black hole. There isn't a day that goes by there aren't tears streaming down my

face, because they fall faster than I can even wipe. We have been left with the what is like a constant tornado in us. Our minds in a swirling, black chaos full of endless pain and wonder. We remember you daily, but remembering is not enough at this point and

I don't know that it will ever be. I don't even see a minuet tiny inkling of a path leading there. Your room and bed are a permanent place for me to feel close to you, The thousands of fibers I am able to grasp. Hugging your pillow, covering with your blanket, being able to smell your smell, that smell I am TERRIFIED to lose. I am grateful for the idea of having your T-Shirts made into a quilt for me. I picked ones that meant something to you and that means, the big piece of your pieces means even more to me. When I am not visiting your room and I am numb and I am in a blank stare gazing at all your being on top of  the T.V. I will still have something extra special to hold tight to, hug and to connect me to you.

There is love still that surrounds me .

WE LOVE U TREV.

 

 

 

 

That Face

THAT FACE, the face that me and your dad concocted out of love, That face that grew inside me for 7 months.  I never felt so alive like when I was pregnant. The first time I saw that face and cried with no love stronger than a mommy lovin her baby. So tiny and precious it couldn't have been more perfect. A face of my first born, my baby boy. A part of me, a part of your dad and I could not study that face enough. Tears rolled off my cheeks and on to yours, because I held that face so close to mine. I couldn't stop kissing your face, those hands, those cheeks, caressing your forehead thinking I could watch you grow for years to come, watching how handsome that face would become. NEVER EVER wanting to let that new face go, it is now I still don't want that living soft stubbly face with a smile to make my heart shine with such life to be gone.I should not have that taken from me, it should not be gone from my world!!!!

The very first time I touched your face so perfect, so soft, so tiny, wrinkled, with little movements of your mouth, hugging you, cuddling into my chest so warm and FULL of life.

 

The last time I first saw your face I screamed to the top of my lungs crying.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????

Why did you do this to me?  to us? This can't be real..... My baby!!!! My Baaaabbby !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 As my tears yet reached your cheeks again and with my hands trembling. I still caressed your forehead, stroked your hair, I kissed those hands, cheeks, I cupped your face, but cold, hard, no expression, unable to hug you , hug you like you should be hugged.

I HAD NO SAY, NO CHOICE.

IT IS NOT F$#%@&* FAIR!!!!!!

Having to leave that room knowing my baby, my baby's face will never have that warmth, have that smile, that laugh, that stubble.

It feels as though my insides are exploding every minute of everyday, not able to control it.

Tears again running down my cheeks unable to find your face I am speechless with nothing to say but I am left with nothing.

I do have memories, but we should be making memories and you should be here!

  

Pouring our my first Heartbreak

I know on the outskirts there may be some who think you had done this many times or were, but we KNOW YOU WERE NOT A DRUG ADDICT. NOT EVEN CLOSE!

TREV we know you didn't mean for this to happen. OUR ♡'s broken in a gazillion pieces, literally hurts to breathe sometimes because I lay in your bed screaming into your pillow... WHAT HAPPENED? WHY? I LOVE YOU!, YOU SHOULD B HERE WITH ME! The fog in my mind is swirling with HOR...ROR and CONFUSION and does not find a point of comprehension. All I do know is you are LIFELESS, DEAD NOT HERE, NOT HERE to hold your momma as I WEEP UNCONTROLLABLY and tell me you LOVE me. To have come home even from a F $#@€#% hospital saying I f$%×÷! UP. I wasn't thinking, I just wanted to try it and c what would happen. "(I GOT THIS") was always your favorite go to phrase. For anything that seemed a challenge. EVERYDAY as I feel numb that phrase repeats in my head "(YOU DON'T GOT THIS, YOU DIDN'T HAVE IT, YOU WILL NEVER "GOT" THIS AGAIN)" My body aches, I feel limp, my eyes hurt from ongoing NIGHTMARES, sleepless nights. My mind never shutting off not only because u left me ,but you left your brother broken without his best friend, his most precious other half of a complete world. You left your dad with the same confusion and shattered heart as me, all the horror, anger and so much more horrendous indescribable pain that you can even imagine. I WISH the clock could be turned back so I could shake u, but importantly HOLD U, KISS YOUR FACE AND HUG YOU THE TIGHTEST I'VE EVER HUGGED YOU BEFORE. I LOVE U and MORE THAN MISS U past the moon and back Its past INFINITY.
YOUR MOMMY , DAD AND BROTHER ♡ YOU
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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