That Face

THAT FACE, the face that me and your dad concocted out of love, That face that grew inside me for 7 months.  I never felt so alive like when I was pregnant. The first time I saw that face and cried with no love stronger than a mommy lovin her baby. So tiny and precious it couldn't have been more perfect. A face of my first born, my baby boy. A part of me, a part of your dad and I could not study that face enough. Tears rolled off my cheeks and on to yours, because I held that face so close to mine. I couldn't stop kissing your face, those hands, those cheeks, caressing your forehead thinking I could watch you grow for years to come, watching how handsome that face would become. NEVER EVER wanting to let that new face go, it is now I still don't want that living soft stubbly face with a smile to make my heart shine with such life to be gone.I should not have that taken from me, it should not be gone from my world!!!!

The very first time I touched your face so perfect, so soft, so tiny, wrinkled, with little movements of your mouth, hugging you, cuddling into my chest so warm and FULL of life.

 

The last time I first saw your face I screamed to the top of my lungs crying.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????

Why did you do this to me?  to us? This can't be real..... My baby!!!! My Baaaabbby !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 As my tears yet reached your cheeks again and with my hands trembling. I still caressed your forehead, stroked your hair, I kissed those hands, cheeks, I cupped your face, but cold, hard, no expression, unable to hug you , hug you like you should be hugged.

I HAD NO SAY, NO CHOICE.

IT IS NOT F$#%@&* FAIR!!!!!!

Having to leave that room knowing my baby, my baby's face will never have that warmth, have that smile, that laugh, that stubble.

It feels as though my insides are exploding every minute of everyday, not able to control it.

Tears again running down my cheeks unable to find your face I am speechless with nothing to say but I am left with nothing.

I do have memories, but we should be making memories and you should be here!