DAY after DAY

                         I never have had to deal with this what I feel is beyond torture, never have had a piece of me ripped from my grasp, have had MY CHILD DIE. I have read heart wrenching stories of families and their losses, I have cried for others because my heart breaks for them just thinking how it would feel, at that time I HAD NO CLUE what so ever.  Although I have not experienced it in the past I always knew in my heart I wouldn't have to, well I guess I thought I wouldn't have to experience the pain described by others as something nobody can feel unless it happens to them. I do now KNOW 1st hand that it is so , so very indescribable, just hurts every inch of your whole being, body, mind, every nerve ending possible. can it hurt when you feel numb???? I know now what they say, I understand the enormity and I know this pain will never end. It will never ever go away Trevor.                   
                   I honestly don't see a day when I don't cry at all. I still want to just sit like a crazy person in movies in a padded room with no windows just crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. I know I have to live some kind of a life. Whatever life this is that involves, existence, working to make a living, shop for necessities, go out to diner, interact with strangers, hang with friends, smile and breathe. Breathing that is so very hard and such a huge struggle at times. I try so hard to just be in your room and talk to you, but it ends in just a uncontrollable sobbing a internal hysteria. I just sit in your room, looking at your things, looking at the pictures of one of your funeral boards that I hung in there, the dragon fly poster that Audrey had her hubby make for the baseball tournament that honored you.
                         Your smell...............I know I talk about it all the time, but I DREAD the Day it is not there, but I can tell it is fading without the continued touch of you. Pretty soon I will not have that the one thing that still can give me somewhat of a comfort, a feeling of being as close to you, as I can for having NO LAUGH TO HEAR, NO SMILE TO SEE , NO BODY TO HUG, NO KISSES TO GIVE OR GET, NO BODY, BREATHING, NO LIFE AT ALL, NO BREATH, NO SOUND,NO NOTHING. THAT WILL BE THE FINAL PIECE OF NOT HAVING SOMETHING TANGIBLE. A room full of stuff, shelves of things that you earned, things you bought or were given, clothes you will never wear, a container from college that kept things you used or didn't, a bed you don't ever need again, all things that are just sitting with no purpose. I have a whole Rubbermaid container full to the top with pictures you colored, 1st library card, homework papers, art projects, all your little awards sheets from pre - k, kindergarten thru elementary, then into middle school and high school, all your forensic ribbons, grade school book from kindergarten thru 8th grade with report cards and picture of you with all your teachers, a baby book that is so full the binding is coming apart. a ring binder with sleeves full of Crazy amounts of different things. It is full of lists of Christmas and birthday gifts, band aides, your birth announcement, the candy bar wrapper from the candy bars we ordered to announce the most wonderful milestone in our lives, your ear tubes, your first haircut, pictures of every year, EVERY MILESTONE.....a little oufit, your hat from the hospital. A whole container that you will never go thru again, never share with a wife, never be able to show to your children, a whole container of things I KNOW YOU CHERISHED THAT I KEPT FOR YOU.
                          I JUST WANT YOU, I WANT YOU HEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I CANT STAND YOU NOT BEING HERE............ITS NOT FAIR THAT THIS PAIN HAS BEEN FORCED UPON US AND IT ISN'T FAIR THAT YOU DIDNT GET A SECOND CHANCE WHEN SO MANY OTHERS GET 3-4.

 

                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                   

   Mrs. Fairchild          

                                                                                                              

                                                  

                                         

 Just alittle bit of Kindergarten

My Kindergarten card                                                                                                                       

                                                                    

......

21 IS GONE

            June 29th the day my world came CRASHING down around me like being BURIED ALIVE, SUFFICATING, GASPING FOR ANY PIECE OF AIR, feeling the earth enclosing my whole being.  Since the that day a huge part of me died days have been full of extreme pain. A pain I never was able to understand fully, sad for those who have lost their children but never able to even fathom how they could even go on. I could of never imagined, could of ever thought I would feel the horror of that life Trev, I don't want to know this pain, I hate living this life.     
            Everyday at one point of another there is a blackness that happens like I have suddenly gone blind, like I leave my body and am drowning in a thick black tarry substance. Days of darkness take over my mind so often, still unable to comprehend that you are actually gone.  In my right mind the mind that lives the reality, nightmare of hell I know you are dead, not coming back. My heart feels  as though someone is twisting it like a wet rag as tight as they can.  In my distraught mind the mind that still doesn't want to accept that your gone forever, the mind that is able to feel every inch of pain in my heart. That mind wants you still to be breathing, to sleep snoring on the couch, to be coming through that door, to antagonize your brother, to make stupid faces, I want you to complain about cleaning your room, about how you would have to shave to get your free meal at work lol.  I want you even in a hurry to come down to me at work and kiss me before you would rush out the door cause your late for work. There are so many things I daydream about in that mind that wants so much to just have you alive.
            The holidays were hard, but no harder than every single day I open my eyes. The pain never seems to change. With this Sunday coming I actually do feel a different pain. A pain like a arrow being stabbed through my heart, taken out and back in again repeatedly. 
             The day I found out I was pregnant was like the skies opening up and a rainbow appeared vibrant leading to a pot of gold. That pot of gold contained so may dreams for our child, our baby boy, another human being that could never be loved enough.  Pregnant with you. The best thing in the world my 1st pregnancy, I was healthy never sick loved every single minute of it. 20 years I loved you with everything I have, loved watching as you hit milestones, your first tooth, peeing standing up instead of sitting, your first lost tooth, your first stitches, broken bones, the way you grew and learned, the sense of humor that emerged, the array of interests, sports played friends made, hobby's you loved, success you had, the so many different things you achieved with such ease, the list goes on and on. In that 20 short years we tried with everything we are and knew to teach you the things that were necessary to be happy, confident, grow into a caring, loving, self independent, successful, respectful, responsible adult. We taught with personal experiences, concern and most importantly the utmost love and honesty. We never swayed things to make it seem anything other than what it was. You were never perfect and we didn't expect you to be,  you made your mistakes and learned lessons from them. We always stressed about smoking, drinking and DRUGS. Along with school, class, teachers, Your Mom and Dad warned you of the serious dangers and outcomes of using or experimenting with all of it. GOOOOOOOOOOOOD that was one of the most important things we hoped would stick, would be ingrained into your head. Using the facts we would of hoped it would of scared you enough to heed the warnings we gave. 
               IT DIDNT TREVOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ????????
WHY COULDNT WE TEACH IT GOOD ENOUGH FOR IT TO WORK??????????????
It wasn't good and we didn't approve, but you smoked cigarettes, you drank, you smoked pot, I would take all of that back if you could only be here.  I AM SO VERY DEVASTATED. 
              This Sunday January 17th is suppose to be the day you would turn 21, change the same number age as your brother till next year. 21 years of being loved and taught right from wrong. Yes legal drinking age but still learning to be a adult, one more year using what we have given you these past 21 years to KEEP YOU SAFE AND ALIVE. THE FAST TRACK is what you believed in and LIVED, FULL BOAR, GIVE IT YOUR ALL, LOVING LIFE FOR THE DAY, DO WHAT MADE YOU HAPPY, NEVER GIVING UP, AND NO FEAR, NO FEAR TREV............  I on one hand am glad you were so happy so into life, doing what most people wish they could do by living each day for what it is. I then wish somehow the great things we taught you INDEPENDENCE AND GREAT CONFIDANCE didn't make you so RECKLESS. That is the part I can't stand to think about. If it wasn't the fast track you lived you would still be with me with us, with your brother.  
                 2015 wasn't a great year and from April when Gram Died was bad but from June on was ThEE worst possible. 2016 is starting with horribleness ( if even a word) you not being here is unbearable and Sunday is supposed to be happy Birthday to you. Happy 21st Birthday to our first born, Where should we eat, lets have a legal drink........
I JUST CAN'T SHED ENOUGH TEARS TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY DIFFERENT THAN JUST HORRIBLE. MY HEART FEELS THE SHARP SHARDS EVERY TOF IT BEING SHATTERED EVERYTIME I INHALE.
 I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND i WISH i COULD GIVE YOU A HUGE HUG AND KISS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

Your Brother, his loss

                                          Yesterday the 4th was Ky's 20th Birthday.............. On Sunday and throughout the weekend I increasingly was more and more anxious for Monday to get here. Anxious not in an exciting way.  I know how can I be more upset????? Well I guess its not more upset cause that's not possible. This was an additional type of upset.  The sadness was overwhelming because all I could think about was Ky having his birthday without his big brother. You both were a pair, together from the start there was a special bond. Never being without you. Growing up together, grew the love for each other. You clicked and the world was about you and your brother. You had each other and were there for each other NO MATTER what. 
                                        You always showed your love for him maybe.....sometimes in what was teasing or sarcasm or nonstop irritating, antagonizing, but most importantly you had love for each other and showed it. Even when you would relentlessly irritate him wanting hugs and kisses he would smile like he knew you just wanted to get a rise out of him. Sometimes more on than not you did because you wouldn't take no for an answer. " Oh Ky I LOVE YOU..... COME ON GIVE ME A BIG HUG, GOING TOWARDS HIS FACE, WANT A KISS?????" It would always warm my heart to see how much love you both had for each other. I know at this point your little brother would take every bit of your sarcasm, teasing, antagonizing. He would accept every single hug and kiss you were willing to give him. He misses you so much.
                                       He does his things and hangs out with friends, but you can see that he is missing A HUGE part of him. That huge part that would light up his world. So often I seem to flash back to the day we found out you were dead. Seeing him on the steps of the police station like every ounce of blood had been sucked from him. The look of devastation on his face the emptiness that had already consumed him.  Not only me missing you IT KILLS ME daily, but it is that he doesn't have you here. The sight and knowledge of his devastation and sadness CRUSHES ME, MY HEART, MY SOUL.
                                     I would go through the most painful death to bring you back to him.  I apologize to him often that I cannot fix this. Mom's are supposed to be able to fix things for their kids, to make things better and I feel extremely helpless that I can't do a damn thing to make it even a slight bit better.

X-Mas Sadness

                                Christmas has come and gone Trev........................ We went, We ate, We drank, We gave our presents, We opened presents, We watched the kids open presents, We smiled, We laughed and We remembered, WE CRIED and Others cried too.  As I sat during xmas celebrations I caught myself several times zoned out with your face, smiles and laughs in my head, wanting so terribly bad for you to be able to be here with us. They say the firsts are the hardest.  Everyday is the hardest, still difficult to muster the energy or want to get out of bed.  Yes if it weren't for my job I bet I would be in bed more than
not.
    

 

           I went to the nature preserve on Xmas eve.  I know your not there, but it is a place of calm, fresh air, and just seeing your name I don't know it makes it another place to yet talk to you. I know I can talk to you wherever, but there are 3 places I feel like you can hear me or know I am there.  While in the family room as you sit on the T.V. Stand, sometimes taken down as I sit on the floor with you in my lap,  at the preserve and most importantly your room. Your room the place that still has your smell, the place I can lay for as long as I want to hold your pillow tight and a place that I cry for minutes sometimes hours and sometimes till I just fall asleep in your bed.
                              I have had to make calls for things that are coming in the mail with your name on them and it has been so very difficult. I end up every time upset with the person on the other end offering their sympathy. I try to hold it together but as soon as I have to say you died or give the date of your death I lose it. We should still be paying reg medical bills, getting tuition bills for college, having you ask for money, buying you food your favorite things and buying you X-Mas gifts. It is so HORRIBLY UNFAIR that we are left with this immense pain.