X-Mas Sadness

                                Christmas has come and gone Trev........................ We went, We ate, We drank, We gave our presents, We opened presents, We watched the kids open presents, We smiled, We laughed and We remembered, WE CRIED and Others cried too.  As I sat during xmas celebrations I caught myself several times zoned out with your face, smiles and laughs in my head, wanting so terribly bad for you to be able to be here with us. They say the firsts are the hardest.  Everyday is the hardest, still difficult to muster the energy or want to get out of bed.  Yes if it weren't for my job I bet I would be in bed more than
not.
    

 

           I went to the nature preserve on Xmas eve.  I know your not there, but it is a place of calm, fresh air, and just seeing your name I don't know it makes it another place to yet talk to you. I know I can talk to you wherever, but there are 3 places I feel like you can hear me or know I am there.  While in the family room as you sit on the T.V. Stand, sometimes taken down as I sit on the floor with you in my lap,  at the preserve and most importantly your room. Your room the place that still has your smell, the place I can lay for as long as I want to hold your pillow tight and a place that I cry for minutes sometimes hours and sometimes till I just fall asleep in your bed.
                              I have had to make calls for things that are coming in the mail with your name on them and it has been so very difficult. I end up every time upset with the person on the other end offering their sympathy. I try to hold it together but as soon as I have to say you died or give the date of your death I lose it. We should still be paying reg medical bills, getting tuition bills for college, having you ask for money, buying you food your favorite things and buying you X-Mas gifts. It is so HORRIBLY UNFAIR that we are left with this immense pain.