June 29th the day my world came CRASHING down around me like being BURIED ALIVE, SUFFICATING, GASPING FOR ANY PIECE OF AIR, feeling the earth enclosing my whole being. Since the that day a huge part of me died days have been full of extreme pain. A pain I never was able to understand fully, sad for those who have lost their children but never able to even fathom how they could even go on. I could of never imagined, could of ever thought I would feel the horror of that life Trev, I don't want to know this pain, I hate living this life.
Everyday at one point of another there is a blackness that happens like I have suddenly gone blind, like I leave my body and am drowning in a thick black tarry substance. Days of darkness take over my mind so often, still unable to comprehend that you are actually gone. In my right mind the mind that lives the reality, nightmare of hell I know you are dead, not coming back. My heart feels as though someone is twisting it like a wet rag as tight as they can. In my distraught mind the mind that still doesn't want to accept that your gone forever, the mind that is able to feel every inch of pain in my heart. That mind wants you still to be breathing, to sleep snoring on the couch, to be coming through that door, to antagonize your brother, to make stupid faces, I want you to complain about cleaning your room, about how you would have to shave to get your free meal at work lol. I want you even in a hurry to come down to me at work and kiss me before you would rush out the door cause your late for work. There are so many things I daydream about in that mind that wants so much to just have you alive.
The holidays were hard, but no harder than every single day I open my eyes. The pain never seems to change. With this Sunday coming I actually do feel a different pain. A pain like a arrow being stabbed through my heart, taken out and back in again repeatedly.
The day I found out I was pregnant was like the skies opening up and a rainbow appeared vibrant leading to a pot of gold. That pot of gold contained so may dreams for our child, our baby boy, another human being that could never be loved enough. Pregnant with you. The best thing in the world my 1st pregnancy, I was healthy never sick loved every single minute of it. 20 years I loved you with everything I have, loved watching as you hit milestones, your first tooth, peeing standing up instead of sitting, your first lost tooth, your first stitches, broken bones, the way you grew and learned, the sense of humor that emerged, the array of interests, sports played friends made, hobby's you loved, success you had, the so many different things you achieved with such ease, the list goes on and on. In that 20 short years we tried with everything we are and knew to teach you the things that were necessary to be happy, confident, grow into a caring, loving, self independent, successful, respectful, responsible adult. We taught with personal experiences, concern and most importantly the utmost love and honesty. We never swayed things to make it seem anything other than what it was. You were never perfect and we didn't expect you to be, you made your mistakes and learned lessons from them. We always stressed about smoking, drinking and DRUGS. Along with school, class, teachers, Your Mom and Dad warned you of the serious dangers and outcomes of using or experimenting with all of it. GOOOOOOOOOOOOD that was one of the most important things we hoped would stick, would be ingrained into your head. Using the facts we would of hoped it would of scared you enough to heed the warnings we gave.
IT DIDNT TREVOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ????????
WHY COULDNT WE TEACH IT GOOD ENOUGH FOR IT TO WORK??????????????
It wasn't good and we didn't approve, but you smoked cigarettes, you drank, you smoked pot, I would take all of that back if you could only be here. I AM SO VERY DEVASTATED.
This Sunday January 17th is suppose to be the day you would turn 21, change the same number age as your brother till next year. 21 years of being loved and taught right from wrong. Yes legal drinking age but still learning to be a adult, one more year using what we have given you these past 21 years to KEEP YOU SAFE AND ALIVE. THE FAST TRACK is what you believed in and LIVED, FULL BOAR, GIVE IT YOUR ALL, LOVING LIFE FOR THE DAY, DO WHAT MADE YOU HAPPY, NEVER GIVING UP, AND NO FEAR, NO FEAR TREV............ I on one hand am glad you were so happy so into life, doing what most people wish they could do by living each day for what it is. I then wish somehow the great things we taught you INDEPENDENCE AND GREAT CONFIDANCE didn't make you so RECKLESS. That is the part I can't stand to think about. If it wasn't the fast track you lived you would still be with me with us, with your brother.
2015 wasn't a great year and from April when Gram Died was bad but from June on was ThEE worst possible. 2016 is starting with horribleness ( if even a word) you not being here is unbearable and Sunday is supposed to be happy Birthday to you. Happy 21st Birthday to our first born, Where should we eat, lets have a legal drink........
I JUST CAN'T SHED ENOUGH TEARS TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY DIFFERENT THAN JUST HORRIBLE. MY HEART FEELS THE SHARP SHARDS EVERY TOF IT BEING SHATTERED EVERYTIME I INHALE.
I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND i WISH i COULD GIVE YOU A HUGE HUG AND KISS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
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