Your Brother, his loss

                                          Yesterday the 4th was Ky's 20th Birthday.............. On Sunday and throughout the weekend I increasingly was more and more anxious for Monday to get here. Anxious not in an exciting way.  I know how can I be more upset????? Well I guess its not more upset cause that's not possible. This was an additional type of upset.  The sadness was overwhelming because all I could think about was Ky having his birthday without his big brother. You both were a pair, together from the start there was a special bond. Never being without you. Growing up together, grew the love for each other. You clicked and the world was about you and your brother. You had each other and were there for each other NO MATTER what. 
                                        You always showed your love for him maybe.....sometimes in what was teasing or sarcasm or nonstop irritating, antagonizing, but most importantly you had love for each other and showed it. Even when you would relentlessly irritate him wanting hugs and kisses he would smile like he knew you just wanted to get a rise out of him. Sometimes more on than not you did because you wouldn't take no for an answer. " Oh Ky I LOVE YOU..... COME ON GIVE ME A BIG HUG, GOING TOWARDS HIS FACE, WANT A KISS?????" It would always warm my heart to see how much love you both had for each other. I know at this point your little brother would take every bit of your sarcasm, teasing, antagonizing. He would accept every single hug and kiss you were willing to give him. He misses you so much.
                                       He does his things and hangs out with friends, but you can see that he is missing A HUGE part of him. That huge part that would light up his world. So often I seem to flash back to the day we found out you were dead. Seeing him on the steps of the police station like every ounce of blood had been sucked from him. The look of devastation on his face the emptiness that had already consumed him.  Not only me missing you IT KILLS ME daily, but it is that he doesn't have you here. The sight and knowledge of his devastation and sadness CRUSHES ME, MY HEART, MY SOUL.
                                     I would go through the most painful death to bring you back to him.  I apologize to him often that I cannot fix this. Mom's are supposed to be able to fix things for their kids, to make things better and I feel extremely helpless that I can't do a damn thing to make it even a slight bit better.