RACING THOUGHTS

I am up since 12:30. I am still sick, been closed for a week, so tomorrow back to reality. I only have 3 days but the last week being off gives u nothing but time. I wish it were happy things to reflect on, but my days are consumed with the happiness and extremely proud of Ky. He has been stronger than I thought he could be. I know he visits Trevs room frequently and he now knows some how he will c him again somehow whatever that belief might b. As for me well we won't get into it. 
   So my mind has been racing since about 11 this morning. I know it was something that would b super hard finally getting his phone from the detective.  my curiosity made me search his phone.
   I KNOW I SHOULDNT HAVE, SCARED OF THINGS I MIGHT C, READ. THE REALITY THAT TREVOR WAS HEADED DOWN A TRECTHROUS ROAD. I KNOW WHO HE WAS HANGING WITH, WHO WAS GIVING HIM DRUGS, WHO ARE NOT, NOT ,NOT HIS FRIENDS NO MATTER WHAT U MIGHT THINK ( YOUR SAD A POOR SOUL U THINK IS CALLED A FRIEND. ALONG WITH SOME PARENTS WHO R IN GREENFIELD WHO R GIVING OUR CHILDREN DRUGS YOUR A SAD EXISTANCE OF A BREATHING NOT EVEN A decent body not even a human, or PARENT) I THINK ABOUT THE REAL FRIENDS, PEOPLE WHO CARED ABOUT HIM (FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!) He lLIVED 2 LIVES AND DID IT WELL. At HOME, AROUND HIS REAL FRIENDS, WORK AND AROUND THE LONELY LOSERS HE WAS INVOLVED WITH. HE DID IT SO WELL THERE WAS NOTHING TO SPARK ANY WORRY. THE DEAD BEAT ASS-----THAT DIDNT SAVE MY BABY WHO LET HIM STOP BREATHING AND FALL, FALL SO LOW IT WAS TOO LATE. WHHHYYYYYYYY COULDN'T HIS MOM KNOW HOW COULD I NOT SEE IT.  I AM HURT SO HURT, MAD, CONFUSED JUST THE PAIN ENORMOUS. MY THOUGHTS RACING, HIM ALIVE, THE LAST TIME I TALKED TO HIM, THE WORRY THAT HE DIDN'T GO TO WORK, That I Texted him WHERE R U????????? WITH NO RESPONSE TO ME COLAPSING ON THE CONCRETE, TO HEARING MY BABY IS DEAD .... WHAT?????? IT CAN'T BE NOOOOOO, TO PLANNING FLOWERS A CASKET, SEEING HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME SCREAMING MY BABY, PLEASE NO TREVOR !!!!!! NOOOOOOO !!!!! THE CLOTHES HE SHOULD WEAR, THE PEOPLE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WHO CAME TO OUR HOUSE THAT NIGHT. FRIENDS FILLING OUR WHOLE DINING, KITCHEN IN HIS ROOM DRINKING A FEW BEERS MAKING A TOWER, THE HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF TRUELY CARING PEOPLE WHO CAME (with the exception of those I know now ASSHOLES who came to MY BABYS FUNERAL WITH DRUGS U KNOW WHO U R AND SO DO I FUCKING LOSERS. AND THOSE OF YOU WHO CAME THAT I DONT KNOW YOUR FUCKING LOSERS TOO and SOMEONE WHO HAD THE GALL TO TAKE PICTURES OF MY BABY DEAD IN HIS CASKET ( YOU ASSHOLE) TO DREADING THE DAY/NIGHT I WOULD LAST BE ABLE TO TOUCH HIS FACE, TO KISS HIM WITH NO RESPONSE TO ASK HIM WHY OVER AND OVER TO TELL HIM I WAS SORRY TO TELL HIM HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM, I AM LOST TREV
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THAT ROOM, I DIDN'T WANT TO STOP TOUCHING YOU EVEN IF YOUR FACE STARTED TO GET BLOTCHY. I WANTED TO STAY WITH U I LOVE YOU, MISS YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

The Days End

                 So many days have gone by since I last filled you in on my thoughts, feelings, babbling, blubbering, feeling of total lost, broken, sadness, A life that sucks without you here.
                 I think about you day after day, repeat over and over and over each minute and second that passes I can't help but to talk to myself, talk to you and again NO FING ANSWER. I JUST WANT THAT ANSWER, A ANSWER, SOME KIND OF ANSWER, JUST TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN
I WOULD GIVE AND DO ANYTHING TREVOR ANYTHING!!!!!!! I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE TO HAVE THAT IF IT WERE ONY FOR A SECOND JUST ONE WORD I WOULD GIVE IT ALL. 
                           Some days you know, I know you are gone, but I think these thoughts. Are they happy? They could be in another time, a real time.( it's really pretending) a story of sorts, not living in this moment in this world, living in some happy world a world that is in my mind. I try to make myself believe you will be home in t- minutes, come to me, call me, text me.  I really do know you aren't coming home. Then as I try to live in my make believe story, reality starts to mix in and the pretend starts to erase and the now comes into focus. Today I was in your room, Dad was at work and Ky was out of town. I started on my feet and before I knew it I was on my knees screaming at you, crying and screaming WHY.oh gosh hell be home sometime soon NO, NO HE WON'T DAWWWWWN GET A GRIP, U HAVE TO BELIEVE WHAT U ALREADY KNOW

Real OR Not

                                                 This just so happens to be from a week or so ago.

Today I woke up still kinda in a fog thinking it was Sat or a weekend day, although really knowing oh gosh it really isn't, Its still the work week a Fri. UGH EVERYDAY is a lets get thru this kinda day. Constantly thinking to myself .....lets get thru this, lets get thru this party, this visit, this dinner, this shopping trip, this appt, this family T.V. show, this encounter, this morning that you would make the trip to me to say I LOVE YOU with a KISS and HUG and off to work, Lets get thru this question, look, hour, minute, second. This feeling is so exhausting, not thinking makes your brain tired, Thinking makes your mind and heart explode with pain. I hate feeling or not feeling,  do I want to feel ?, I wish I could think and feel normal, what is the normal now? how can I make that happen? Trevor WHY do we have to feel this? I still look at pictures of nn you and its wonderful to see your happy face, smile ,sparkle. In an instant though that beautiful face will turn to the horrific image of you not living, no life in you. I HATE THIS FEELING< THOUGHT< IMAGE
                                               How can you really know something is what it is and really have it be something totally different but its real. Yea I don't know how you can actually know something is really real, but then on the other hand have it seem like something so very different
Days for me are so jumbled together, confusing, foggy, slow moving,