RACING THOUGHTS

I am up since 12:30. I am still sick, been closed for a week, so tomorrow back to reality. I only have 3 days but the last week being off gives u nothing but time. I wish it were happy things to reflect on, but my days are consumed with the happiness and extremely proud of Ky. He has been stronger than I thought he could be. I know he visits Trevs room frequently and he now knows some how he will c him again somehow whatever that belief might b. As for me well we won't get into it. 
   So my mind has been racing since about 11 this morning. I know it was something that would b super hard finally getting his phone from the detective.  my curiosity made me search his phone.
   I KNOW I SHOULDNT HAVE, SCARED OF THINGS I MIGHT C, READ. THE REALITY THAT TREVOR WAS HEADED DOWN A TRECTHROUS ROAD. I KNOW WHO HE WAS HANGING WITH, WHO WAS GIVING HIM DRUGS, WHO ARE NOT, NOT ,NOT HIS FRIENDS NO MATTER WHAT U MIGHT THINK ( YOUR SAD A POOR SOUL U THINK IS CALLED A FRIEND. ALONG WITH SOME PARENTS WHO R IN GREENFIELD WHO R GIVING OUR CHILDREN DRUGS YOUR A SAD EXISTANCE OF A BREATHING NOT EVEN A decent body not even a human, or PARENT) I THINK ABOUT THE REAL FRIENDS, PEOPLE WHO CARED ABOUT HIM (FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!) He lLIVED 2 LIVES AND DID IT WELL. At HOME, AROUND HIS REAL FRIENDS, WORK AND AROUND THE LONELY LOSERS HE WAS INVOLVED WITH. HE DID IT SO WELL THERE WAS NOTHING TO SPARK ANY WORRY. THE DEAD BEAT ASS-----THAT DIDNT SAVE MY BABY WHO LET HIM STOP BREATHING AND FALL, FALL SO LOW IT WAS TOO LATE. WHHHYYYYYYYY COULDN'T HIS MOM KNOW HOW COULD I NOT SEE IT.  I AM HURT SO HURT, MAD, CONFUSED JUST THE PAIN ENORMOUS. MY THOUGHTS RACING, HIM ALIVE, THE LAST TIME I TALKED TO HIM, THE WORRY THAT HE DIDN'T GO TO WORK, That I Texted him WHERE R U????????? WITH NO RESPONSE TO ME COLAPSING ON THE CONCRETE, TO HEARING MY BABY IS DEAD .... WHAT?????? IT CAN'T BE NOOOOOO, TO PLANNING FLOWERS A CASKET, SEEING HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME SCREAMING MY BABY, PLEASE NO TREVOR !!!!!! NOOOOOOO !!!!! THE CLOTHES HE SHOULD WEAR, THE PEOPLE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WHO CAME TO OUR HOUSE THAT NIGHT. FRIENDS FILLING OUR WHOLE DINING, KITCHEN IN HIS ROOM DRINKING A FEW BEERS MAKING A TOWER, THE HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF TRUELY CARING PEOPLE WHO CAME (with the exception of those I know now ASSHOLES who came to MY BABYS FUNERAL WITH DRUGS U KNOW WHO U R AND SO DO I FUCKING LOSERS. AND THOSE OF YOU WHO CAME THAT I DONT KNOW YOUR FUCKING LOSERS TOO and SOMEONE WHO HAD THE GALL TO TAKE PICTURES OF MY BABY DEAD IN HIS CASKET ( YOU ASSHOLE) TO DREADING THE DAY/NIGHT I WOULD LAST BE ABLE TO TOUCH HIS FACE, TO KISS HIM WITH NO RESPONSE TO ASK HIM WHY OVER AND OVER TO TELL HIM I WAS SORRY TO TELL HIM HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM, I AM LOST TREV
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THAT ROOM, I DIDN'T WANT TO STOP TOUCHING YOU EVEN IF YOUR FACE STARTED TO GET BLOTCHY. I WANTED TO STAY WITH U I LOVE YOU, MISS YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.