Vacation Visit????

Wednesday May 18th, 2016

I thought of you daily, wished so much you were there with us all to enjoy the sun, to laugh, drink, be merry, make memories the way it was supposed to be. Wishing the whole time our life was turned back in time to being able to have you with us, to be 4 of us to have my boys together, to watch my 3 guys interact with each other and other people, horse around, tease, be guyish and just watch as you all loved each other's company.
We were in the pool in the afternoon, I had cried that morning missing you, just yearning for those days of happiness and fullness of having our family as one.
Your dad was to the left of me and Richie was to the right. All the sudden Richie brought it to my attention that there was a dragon fly on my shoulder. a small baby dragon fly, bright blue with bright yellow eyes. sitting on my skin, so light it was weightless and calm so still not scared of me.
I looked and watched waiting for it to take flight but it sat, and sat, and stayed without hesitation grabbed on to my finger as I brought my hand up to it. On to my finger it calmly climbed and I was able to watch as it sat on my finger for the longest time, not twitching , not moving, no it wasn't or didn't seem nervous. Tears immediately streamed down my face. I was unable to hold back the emotions connected with the interaction.
My baby, my Trev............was it you?????????? I want to believe it was, such a coincidence that you were in my emotions that morning. After sitting for a pretty lengthy time the small winged body went to my face and before I could fetch it from my face in a split second it was gone.
your presence was so felt, you were there to let me know you were there with us. Although it was an emotional experienced I felt a calm, a peace of sorts. I am grateful to have had those few moments with what could of been a sign from you, was you?????? Hoping it was all the above.

Thursday May 19th, 2016
We were waiting for our bus to go on our excursion for the day. The excursion consisted of zip lining, climbing Mayan ruins the only ones that are left to actually climb still, swimming in a cenote, visiting a Mayan village, Mayan village shopping with dinner and a Mayan show.
In my mind as we waited I thought to myself maybe I should zip line today, wouldn't it make YOU so proud you would smile so huge. A dragonfly sipped by me as my thoughts were busy with if I should. We traveled arrived and I decided YES today was the day I WAS GOING to DO IT. As I walked up the stairs of the tower I questioned my bravery................. I got strapped onto the cord, the man said ok lift your feet and legs up.................. In my mind I'm thinking to myself I am going to close my eyes and scream, I sat and off the man pushed. The whole time freaking out before I actually had my feet leave the platform. Surprisingly as soon as I lifted my legs I kept my eyes wide open, wasn't nervous, a calmness came over me and I watched my self fly over a huge body of water, high into the air, not crying, not closing my eyes, not screaming jut feeling my hair bow as the wind whipped thru it and I just held you so close to me, your memory, your smiles and the laugh you would of had when you hugged me and told me you were so proud of me.
After all the excitement and busy day we went to a restaurant and had dinner with a Mayan Show. Right before they served dinner on the chair kind of in back of me, but to the side of me was an EXACT SMALL BRIGHT BLUE, WITH BRIGHT YELLOW EYES BABY DRAGON FLY coincidence ???????????????? I have to say NO. IT WAS A SIGN FROM YOU........ I MISS YOU SO TERRIBLY BAD, THE PAIN TO THIS DAY IS EXCRUSITATING. MY HEART IS SO EXTREMEMLY BROKEN. I HATE THAT THIS IS MY REALITY, MY LIFE, MY EXISTANCE. I JUST WISH ITH ALL I AM THT YOU COULD BE BACK HERE.

Mothers Day

Mothers Day....... These pictures are what I have left from my last mothers day with my 2 children, 2 souls and lives I carried inside me, took care of, nurtured, taught, loved Unconditionally. Yet even though I tried my hardest to mother these men. I fell short by one of them. I was unable to teach well enough, I didn't reach the most inner part of one of them. He didn't hear me, he didn't worry, He didn't sway, He wasn't scared, he didn't think, he didn't worry, he never thought, his thoughts were he always had it all..............

This day was so happy, so fun to try and capture all these faces, moments in time I will NEVER be able to have again, NEVER be able to duplicate. My boys, my life. The 2 of you are never anything less than my world, my universe. I from the time I saw your faces for the 1st time till present you have been nothing less than the loves of my life. The ultimate happiness, the shine in my sun, the glue that holds my heart as a whole.

 

Faded Memory 4-29-2016

                                              Trev I KNOW I saw you and talked to you in my sleep last night. I can remember half waking up and knowing I needed to write it in my book, but fell back to sleep before actually getting up to get my book. I can only remember Gram Gen was in there and she was driving!!!! LOL DRIVING funny right? since she never had her license. I for the life of me can't remember what exact role you played. I just have the I know feeling you were there I JUST KNOW I TALKED AND SAW YOU, like no it clear but knew it was you, just so blurry now.
                                               Gram Gen Is she actually with you? R U with her? Who else is there? seeing her I wasnt even sad because your presence meant everything to me. I wish I could have clear visions like dreams all day long. see you move, talk, touch me, hug me, kiss me on the cheek like EVERYDAY................. It makes me so happy to hear you laugh, see your smile. I can't even describe how my heart just beats a million miles a hour, and then within second of realizing or waking I burst out into a full out sob.  I know I know why. I am beyond the mad at you part ( right now) don't know if it will come back at points. I am in the only mode I know how to be and that is MISSING YOU, WANTING YOU BACK, STILL WONDERING ,SAYING WHY TREVOR? I CANNOT EVEN EXPRESS HOW MUCH I HATE THAT THIS HAPPENED, HOW I DESPISE THAT YOUR GONE. Trev I don't even know sometimes what I feel. Nothing makes it better, no words, no hugs, no kisses, no prayers, no hoping, no memories, no nothing will even make this better. The ONLY and ONLY thing that would bounce me back would be to have you here with us. Since that will never happen. I will never be able to recover. I don't feel it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This sadness is so destructible, so very painful like a hard like a sharp rod impaling my chest.

306 DAYS 10 MOTHS AND 1 DAY

                             WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?????????????

THERE CAN'T AND WILL NOT EVER BE TOO MUCH OF OVER AND OVER. NEVER TOO MUCH OF HOW I LOVE YOU.  

THE EXTENT OF THE PAIN, MISSING YOU, AND THE LONG LOST DAYS LONGING TO HAVE YOU BACK ARE INDEFINATE TREVOR!!!!

MY MIND IN REALITY KNOWS YOU ARE GONE FOREVER AND CANT COME BACK, BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD ITS TOLD, MY HEART

CANNOT COMPREHEND.

Today marks another month, another 29th day that you are gone, that we miss you , that our hearts break on that continuous revolving wheel of time, horrendous pain and the never ending sadness.

I hadn't had a sleep vision ( what some call dreams ) since March 13th.  I was having so many and then all the sudden they were gone, gone from the usual nightly or few in a week. I WANTED YOU TO COME.... IS IT A VISITATION CAUSE IF SO I DESERVE ONE TREVOR. LISTEN TO ME, I WANT TO SEE YOU, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, SEE YOUR SMILE, HEAR YOU, I WANT IT ALL.

Yes I end up crying , sobbing breaking totally down every time, but I don't want them to stop.

I'm not forgetting you, I'm NOT mad at you HONEY, I am mad that you are not, here but I LOVE YOU. I want the slightest bit of you ANYTHING, ANYTHING I CAN HAVE.

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASE DON'T STOP COMING TO ME.

I woke this morning about 5:05am. As I lay there my mind races. I think about your baseball tourney. Will we be able to make it the success that the Campagna's and all your friends made it last year?

We want to be able to donate, donate TO CHARITIES in your name,  A TREVOR HOLMES SCHOLARSHIP to someone deserving.

 

Anyway I must of thought myself to sleep again. I realized after waking again at 5:45am that I did see you that you did come to me, that you talked to me, I talked to you. even though it wasn't a clear vision of your face it was your voice, your being that was talking back to me.
I dreamt that there was another puppy in our home....... I know your dad will choke me......lol I don't remember the whole thing but remember looking up ansd saying to you where did this some from????? It was another wire kennel folded down, as I knelt and was opening it I also noticed a carrier like a tiny dog would be carried in................ WTH anyway you replied to me FISH!!!!!, Meaning Micheal Kaifish you got it from Kaifish? I said and as you were getting ready to answer me I woke.  DAMMIT. I cried as soon as I realized it was you I saw you I heard you, I didn't have a clear vision like usual but it was you. The now recent time you come after I ask you ............... I have you and your gone just like that. NOT AGAIN, its like losing you over and over. Is it torture to want this? Is it stupid? I don't think so. Why do I want these visions, visits,
BECAUSE I MISS YOU LIKE THE OCEAN WOULD MISS THE WATER,
AND THE UNIVERSE WOULD MISS THE STARS.
I WISH IT WAS TRUE, I KNEW WE WERE AND I FELT IT.
 
I JUST MISS YOU, THERES NO DIFFERENT WAY TO SAY IT, TO KNOW IT TO FEEL IT. I HATE IT I HATE MISSING YOU, NOT HAVING YOU HEAR FOR ME TO LOOK AT IT, TO HUG AND KISS AND TELL YOU I LOVE YOU.