So Many Wonders

It has been 816 days. That number doesn't seem real big does it. It isn't in the whole scheme of things I guess.  I guess I really don't know what that number means. the amount is bigger but in the same thought why does it literally feel like yesterday that I never received an answer from you.
That text I no longer have because I had to get a new phone this year.
Should I really want that to remind me that you never answered me
That I now know you were breathless, lifeless and gone already from me.
I still question WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I was not called as soon as possible to be informed
You were found early morning and it took me to inquire with no straight answers to the police station and got nothing till almost 4pm
 Why is this grief so UTTERLY RELENTLESS.
 I am consumed with just plain missing you. The unfairness that I don't have you here is so VERY DEVASTATING.
Every time I walk down the hall I feel like throwing up.
I want to drop to my knees and scream so loud our windows blow out
I look into your room and even though reality says different I want you would be there to say sup Mom.
I would give ANYTHING to have you laying in your bed or playing video games, doing homework SOMETHING, JUST ANYTHING TREV
I hate that the wonders are so stuck in my mind, they just don't go away Trevor.
Its like my mind is hollow and it echo's so loud that stuff on the outside are drowned out.
My caring is sometimes nonexistent
I want to know where I went wrong
What didn't I say or did say to you
What is it that your dad might of said
Did we pressure you too much
Did you feel like we nagged you too much
I thought I was doing a good job loving you
Do you know no you don't know how much this makes me question so many things about myself of being a mom
I have this pressure that fills my head makes me feel like I've been banging my head against a wall for hours.
Even on medication I feel so not right
I almost hate going places and doing things, I feel like I am the Debbie downer.
It is indescribable how and what I feel , think.
I can say it but I cannot make anyone understand this horrible existence I feel I am in.
I still feel like people look at me differently,  I am not who I once was and never will be again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know everyone says I need to, not just sit around and your dad is the biggest one to tell me.
I just want to lose my mind sometimes and tell everyone to just go to hell.
Knowing its wrong keeps me from doing it and holding yet another thing in.
I know its not right its not nice and it is bitchy and the emotions are just uncontrollable so often
I don't know how other moms deal with this.
Am I so weak that I cannot evolve whatever that means
Am I so weak that I am not like other moms
Is it because I am not religious
I hate who I am now, how my mind feels, how my heart hurts all the time, how empty I feel even though there is so much to be grateful for.
I am grateful for all those who put up with me who, who stand by me when I just want to be left alone.
Why did you feel the need to continue this knowing all the risks
What made you start taking pills
Was it when you broke your back in football
The pain pills and muscle relaxers
Why did you take my pain pills and I never noticed, to have me find them in your room after that fact.
The number in the wallet in your room who does it belong to
should I call it? Do I want to?
I read your death certificate more than I should and still cannot comprehend all this
I know it wont make anything better.
WHY CANT THERE BE SOMETHING TO HELP ME TREVOR?
I feel suffocated by my own thoughts and feelings
feeling like I it has been long enough where I cant break down out of control like I feel like constantly inside, like my inside is really doing but on the outside there is a force field showing an illusion.
So many of the repeats
What if anything were you feeling, thinking as you laid there with nobody to help you
Who sold it or gave it to you
I can't even go on because my head feels like its going to blow up
MY GOD TREVOR THIS COMPLETELY SUCKS MORE THAN ANYTHING.
THATS NOT EVEN THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG
I JUST HAVE NO MORE ENERGY WORDS RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM BABBLING.
MAYBE THIS IS WHY I DONT WRITE AS MUCH HERE IS BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH OF THE SAME THING.
REDUNDANT IS WHAT I FEEL WITH LIFE IN GENERAL.
WHATEVER I GUESS I JSUT KNOW I LOVE YOU I WISH I COULD KNOW YOU ARE HEARING ME, THAT SOMEONE COULD TELL ME SOMETHING GIVE ME A TRUE MESSAGE FROM YOU.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU TREV
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO