Do I even know where to start. Of course I do!!!!! Opening my eyes, knowing its the day, THE DAY I DREAD every year more than the other days I hate, Balling with a completely broken heart. with the start button put on REPLAY OVER AND OVER.
4 years ago I started my day like every other, loving my life and feeling blessed because my family was whole. I knew I had a awesome husband who loved me and had my boys my heart and soul who I thought would be with me forever, my whole world.
Did I know that normal day I would hear unbelievable words , words I never expected to EVER hear?
Did I know I'd be a part of what you see in movies and collapse on the ground, people staring from afar as I lost my mind screaming in agony?
Did I know that my child was found dead at 7AM in some apartment that belonged to someone who I didn't know and that loser was not a friend and neither was the loser that was with Trevor the night before.
Did I know my life would change forever that day, that I would lose a piece of myself.
Did I know I would never ever be the same.
What I did find out is that his girlfriend at the time came to the house at 1 PM searching for him, cause he didn't show up for work.
I did know that was out of character and that he wasn't home.
I do know it took me to inquire calling the police station with no response from anyone after calling 3 times, then to get a call back saying we should probably come to the station (AT 4PM).NOT 7AM
I do know I thought why could the detective just tell me that Trevor got arrested?
I do know I ask him to just let me know he was ok.
I do know I thought he couldn't tell me because Trev was 18 yrs old.
I do know that even after pulling into the lot and seeing his girlfriend on the steps crying
I do know I had no clue that ANYTHING was wrong until I hit the steps of the police station and heard TREVOR IS DEAD.
I do know that my youngest baby came out of the double doors and fell into his dads arms.
I do know that at that moment I thought this could not be my life.
I do know I said No!!!! about a million plus times before that collapse.
I did end up finding out the loser called his mommy before 911 or the police.
I did find out that my baby ended up still ,cold and laying in a morgue ALL DAY and NOBODY...... NOBODY contacted me to let me know that my son would never take another breath, give me another kiss or never ever say I LOVE YOU to me again.
I do know that as I was distraught and bouncing from one wall the other, asking where my baby was, that I wanted to see him and being told no I wasn't aloud to see him.
I ASKED WHYYYYYYY I WASNT CALLED.
I DO KNOW THAT THE DETECTIVE TURNED TO ME AND SAID WELL...… EVEN IF WE WOULD OF CALLED YOU IT WOULD NOT BEING YOUR SON BACK!
WHAT?????????? WHAT DID I JUST HEAR??????
HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SON OF A BITCH.
I do know that being held up walking out of the police station I didn't know what just happened to me.
I do know I went home feeling completely empty
I do know that our whole house was full of his friends and their parents and our family and friends that same night, some sitting in Trevs bedroom, some in the kitchen some outside ALL IN DISBELIEF.
I do know I didn't believe seeing my baby for the first time at the funeral home, laying still on a gurney in a hospital gown.
touching his face, kissing him and he was cold and hard, the was no expression in his face, he wasn't moving, there was no breath coming from him, and when I put my head on his chest sobbing there was complete silence just like the silence when I pleaded screaming with him to wake up, when I asked why????
I do know I was numb picking out flowers and casket and urn.
I do know that I went to visit him almost every single day until his funeral.
I do know those days leading to the funeral I was in a haze don't remember a lot.
I do know there were literally well over 1200 people that came to support us and I greeted every person personally numb and still in disbelief.
I DO KNOW I NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE MY BABY THAT NIGHT KNOWING I WOULD NEVER SEE OR BE ABLE TO TOUCH OR KISS , TALK OR HEAR HIM
I DO KNOW I STILL SOMETIMES THINK HE IS GOING TO COME THRU THE DOOR
I DO KNOW I HAVE NIGHTMARED OFTEN,
THAT I HAVE ANXSIETY THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM DYING
THAT I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND NO ANSWERS WILL EVER COME
THAT MY SHATTERED HEART CAN NOT EVER BE REPAIRED
THAT I STILL CANT COMPREHEND THAT MY BABY IS GONE!
AND
I DO KNOW I WAKE UP EVERY SINGLE DAY WITH A VOID SO VAST I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH
AND I DO KNOW A GUILT LIKE NO OTHER
THAT I GRIEVE TREV, I GRIEVE THAT LIFE THAT IS NO MORE, THAT I GRIEVE WHO I USED TO BE AND WHO I WILL BE FOREVER, THAT IM TERRIFIED THAT I WILL LOSE MY YOUNGEST BABY
I DO KNOW THIS PAIN IS INDESCRIABABLE,THAT I MISS TREVOR MORE THAN ANY WORD CAN DESCRIBE, THAT I FEEL LIKE I AM CHEATED, THAT I FEEL LIKE IM SUFFICATING, IM DROWNING DAILY.
I HAVE FELT FEEL GUILT, I HAVE MISS AND HAVE A BROKEN HEART FOR 48 MONTHS, 1,462 DAYS, 2,105.280 MINUTES AND 126,316,800 SECONDS AND I WILL HAVE GUILT, MISS AND HAVE A BROKEN HEART TILL I DRAW MY FINAL BREATH.
SO EVEN WITH MY NOVAL THERE IS STILL NO, NO WORDS
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