The Sun and the Moon

The snow is pretty.                                                                 Clouds are heavy today.

My hip hurts.                                                                    It's sunny out and I see darkness.

Hope Pete is safe at work.                                                Ky skateboarding in the basement.

I have to get together stuff for gramma party.                  Our wedding.

Trev laying on a gurney in the funeral home.                   How cold Trevor was.    

Taking the boys for their licenses.                                    Guilt of the mom I am now for Ky.

Pete dying.                                                                        Comical Rigsy. 

All the people gathered in our house the day Trevor died.    Ky's game with the high Air kick.

Trevor's empty bed.                                                          Thinking of vacation

Laying in the sun.                                                             Anticipation of upcoming vacation.

Feeling Trevor's skull glued as I ran my fingers thru his hair at the funeral home.

Screaming on the ground at the police station.                Ky training with Rigsy.

Wondering who really knew.                                           Ky putting his life on the line daily.

Despising the strangers who he was hanging with.         Guilt of not engaging.

looking at the door waiting for Trev to walk through,     Have to get a Pedi s

Question what kind a friend I am.                                    Therapy appts  

So grateful for having Hades.                                           Kys 6 mo old baby pic.

Laying in Trevor's bed crying.                                         Mix book projects.

Grammas 100th B-Day.                                                    Ky dying

Reliving getting home after police station.                      Falling in the back yard screaming.

Packing Trevor's things away.                                          Ky's graduation

Prom's.                                                                              Trevor's fist library card.   

Trevor's 1st place coloring contest in West Allis.            Ky's middle school haircut.

Ky Walking across the stage at graduation.                     I need to clean my craft room.

Upcoming weddings.                                                       Last vacation

Our Santa and glad she is safe.                                        Gramma dying

Have to sew the dogs' babies.                                          Grateful for our little house

Redoing the guest bed closet.                                          The Line at Trevor's funeral.

Cleaning basement.                                                          A friend's baby announcement

My room at the bin.                                                          Ky getting married? Kids?

Ky's first pumpkin farm trip.                                            Trev's coffin being put in cremation machine.

Seeing Pete and Ky on the steps of the police station falling to embrace in agony.

Speakers at Trev's Funeral.                                              Looking at my Dead son in a coffin.

Trev's eye not being fully closed when we sent to see him the first time. 

Trev's jersey on him at funeral.                                       building snowmen in the yard.

Trev's awards.                                                                  Trev's accomplishments at different times.

His last football game. 

And with the thoughts come the sun and the Moon fighting over the feel's GOOD, BAD, DEBILITATING, EXAUSTING and UGLY!

Panic, Sweating, nauseous, tremor's, headache, rapid, hard thumping of your heart, tight chest, crying, screaming, anger, empty, lost, miserable, unsteady, stressed, insecure, tornado winds, happiness, curiosity, no closure, racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, over or under eating, nervous, nostalgic, sad, grief stricken, erupting volcano, unsure, insignificant, drowning, judged, overwhelmed, exhausted, numb, proud.

Endless things thought of and so many words to describe, but barely limited to just these. This is just a few minutes of my days. It can be uplifting, then devasting and that Darkness is thick. Sometimes the real world feels out of reach and the tiny suffocating tunnel is long, and toxic.

No Direction

 I find my depression has kept me uninterested in so many things since Trevor died. For years now I know I've slipped waaaaay down past the dirt, Way out to sea not engaging in much. Feeling no joy is so extremely exausting, especially when others just cant comprehend. I wish they but not with the consequences. Yes, others also lost Trevor, but all that matters to me is I DON'T HAVE HIM HERE. When I say uninterested it means caring about nothing! House, friends, family, events, Can you imagine being genuinely happy and full life with a full family. To go from that, to feeling desolate, dead, dark and empty. It is something I could never have predicted would ever take over my being. If u know me you know I went from outgoing, bubbly, productive, creative, good friend and HAPPY, TRULY HAPPY person. I until recently, found no hope or so little joy in things. I still reach far into my soul, but missing a huge part of me takes the air out of me, like a blow up santa.  Some days I have good intentions of not sitting on the couch all day, day in and day out. Staying in my pj's not wanting to roll to the edge of the bed and step into another day without Trev.  I try to pep talk myself, but yet the motivation is 1 out of a billion and most times so rare that it constantly plays hookie from my life. I lean so hard on a man who.......( if you don't like mush its your time to go) supports me immensely. Loves me for my diagnosis's of crazy and is there to love me for me.

I used to vacuum every day, my house clean and organized. Since Trev died he picks up my half of responsibility in house duties and has now for years. Along with working full time and doing his own things. That guilt along with so much more eats at me. Soooooo there's another area of crazy, cause I know he loves me unconditionally and I would step up if he needed the support. I have seen that tiny spark of joy and wonder and hope it stays and continues to grow. I'm really not sure where this blog would take me. Not sure if it even makes sense,but I started it with not really a direction. So in the past week, I've done dishes, laundry, cleaned the fish tank and tried to focus on that spark. 

I'm not saying the days of bed, couch and Jammie are over, but it's a step.... and I hear it's 1 foot in front of the other.

💗 me

HOPE

 I haven't posted in forever, but today was a day I just needed to revisit diarrhea of the mind and mouth, really fingers lol.

This was today's blog and I thought I'd share. 

Today I sit here reflecting on so sooo many things. # 1 I now have been taking ketamine micro dosing treatments for 3 months.

Ketamine - Known for its anesthetic effects and therapeutic potential, ketamine is increasingly being used as a treatment for anxiety and depression. 
At lower doses, ketamine can disrupt negative feelings and preoccupations and help the brain create new, healthier patterns. Ketamine is a transformational medicine of the mind. It can rapidly —often within an hour or two— lift the symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other conditions. When people suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, their neurons become stunted with fewer connections. Ketamine helps repair this damage by stimulating the production of chemicals that act like fertilizer for the brain, restoring and strengthening connections between neurons. Ketamine can also offer relief from negative thoughts by normalizing activity in a part of the brain known as the default mode network. By altering connectivity in this part of the brain, ketamine can help people to break out of old thought patterns that cause anxiety and depression.

Most of my blogs have been with raw emotion, distress, exhaustion, Devastation, Desperation, panic, physical pain, disassociations, isolation, a lot of descriptive words sharing my complete heartache. 

My grief so vast, the void echos daily reminding me of what's missing to make me whole, that my friends and family will stay FOREVER.

I had never in my life thought I could have so many feelings, words to describe pain, in phrases, sentences. Its endless really, although it all feels the same to me.

I feel these hurdles the many I have are treacherous and feel so Un accomplishable, yet I continue to muster the strength to live another day. When you wake though there's been no miracle, no dreams come true, you wake bammmm there it is reality. The devastation starts over again and its evil and ugly, redundant and just so exhausting. I always hope that the next morning won't be so hard, the day be so meaningless. The air stale and a cloud of darkness hanging over you, even on the sunniest day. I yearn for an easier day. I'd like to feel a bit lighter, to feel a genuine smile and be ok with it, laugh and not feel the guilt and embarrassment of others and what they may think of me as a mother of a child who died from an overdose. Why is she smiling? Why is she laughing? How can she find joy? or Judgment well I guess she's over it because she is doing something (other than crying curled up in a ball on the floor.) These are things that I know can and can't be true, but I will say this with the loudest of voices and this is something TOTALLY unexpected for a lot of you that I am even saying these words.  

I DO DESERVE TO HAVE HAPPY TIMES; I DESERVE TO ALSO STILL BE DEVASTATED THAT MY SON IS DEAD. I AM ALOUD TO HAVE HORRENDOUS DAYS, HOURS, MINUTES, SECONDS, BUT I ALSO DO KNOW TREVOR WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE SAD. THAT IS SOMETHING I KNOW IS TRUE, BUT I KNOW HE ALSO DOESN'T HAVE A SAY, BECAUSE OF HIS STUPID DECISIONS AND BEING A LEADER THAT FOLLOWED. I ALSO DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY PLACE BETTER FOR TREVOR THAN RIGHT HERE WITH US, SOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO, NO HE'S NOT IN A BETTER PLACE!! THAT IS FOR DAMN SURE.....

There is so much I need to work on and I'm definitely NOT close to getting over those hurdles, but after these 3 months of Ketamine, I CAN say those words and believe it. After 3 months I feel something!!!!, something other than being dead all shriveled up and rotten inside. Like you're on a plane looking at Chicago lights from thousands of miles in the air. I feel that just 1 streetlight is on. Thats in my heart. I feel the beats, and not having it feel like its buried sunken treasure at the tippiest (I know probably not a word.) part of my toes.  I have not had suicidal contemplations or plans. That in itself is HUGE, I think anyway. I'm not saying I still don't have thoughts of no pain at all, but a flighting irrational thought is just that, flighting and that's a step in the right direction.

I guess I just wanted to jot some words down and toot my own horn for lighting that 1 streetlight. I STILL AM ALL THE HURDLES, BUT THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE!