FaceBook Post Oct 7th 2017

I Remember this night 5 years so clearly. LAST game LAST walk across the field to Kenny chesneys boys of fall. (which Ky played at Trev's funeral ) for what for would be the LAST TIME HIS GUYS WOULD BE TOGETHER. I think every players heart was moved when Pete laid TREVS #26 jersey that his teammates signed on top of his still chest. The last night of football there was not a dry eye. The day Trev was found dead our home was FILLED with so many tears. Even Trev's bedroom filled with his friends reminiscing. Some with beers that they felt were maybe a comfort. A tower of cans on his desk, stories told, memories shared. Tears of love. Looking at this picture knowing the closeness these two shared the bond even from hundreds of miles away from each other Every time I see this Or think of it I cried before. Now The lump in my throat makes me breathless the tears that fall with the pit in my stomach deep. Sitting here in your room the house empty, pain is all so very real. close the windows and scream into your pillow With the vision of me shaking your lifeless body with all the strength I have SCREAMING WAKE UP......PLEEEEASE!!!!! ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.......HARD TO CATCH A BREATH I SCREAM ANYTHING THAT FILLS MY HEAD, MY HEART, MY LIFE. I HATE THIS PART OF ME, MY LIFE , MY EXISTENCE. I HATE THAT IYOUR BROTHER DOESNT HAVE HIS OTHER HALF, THAT YOUR DAD IS MISSING SUCH A HUGE CHUNK OF HIS BEING AND THAT I AM LEFT WITHOUT YOU!

(EVEN FOR ALL REASONS NOT SO RIGHT, IT IS SO FITTING THAT THIS COMES THE DAY AFTER YOUR BEST FRIENDS BIRTHDAY)

 

So Many Wonders

It has been 816 days. That number doesn't seem real big does it. It isn't in the whole scheme of things I guess.  I guess I really don't know what that number means. the amount is bigger but in the same thought why does it literally feel like yesterday that I never received an answer from you.
That text I no longer have because I had to get a new phone this year.
Should I really want that to remind me that you never answered me
That I now know you were breathless, lifeless and gone already from me.
I still question WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I was not called as soon as possible to be informed
You were found early morning and it took me to inquire with no straight answers to the police station and got nothing till almost 4pm
 Why is this grief so UTTERLY RELENTLESS.
 I am consumed with just plain missing you. The unfairness that I don't have you here is so VERY DEVASTATING.
Every time I walk down the hall I feel like throwing up.
I want to drop to my knees and scream so loud our windows blow out
I look into your room and even though reality says different I want you would be there to say sup Mom.
I would give ANYTHING to have you laying in your bed or playing video games, doing homework SOMETHING, JUST ANYTHING TREV
I hate that the wonders are so stuck in my mind, they just don't go away Trevor.
Its like my mind is hollow and it echo's so loud that stuff on the outside are drowned out.
My caring is sometimes nonexistent
I want to know where I went wrong
What didn't I say or did say to you
What is it that your dad might of said
Did we pressure you too much
Did you feel like we nagged you too much
I thought I was doing a good job loving you
Do you know no you don't know how much this makes me question so many things about myself of being a mom
I have this pressure that fills my head makes me feel like I've been banging my head against a wall for hours.
Even on medication I feel so not right
I almost hate going places and doing things, I feel like I am the Debbie downer.
It is indescribable how and what I feel , think.
I can say it but I cannot make anyone understand this horrible existence I feel I am in.
I still feel like people look at me differently,  I am not who I once was and never will be again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know everyone says I need to, not just sit around and your dad is the biggest one to tell me.
I just want to lose my mind sometimes and tell everyone to just go to hell.
Knowing its wrong keeps me from doing it and holding yet another thing in.
I know its not right its not nice and it is bitchy and the emotions are just uncontrollable so often
I don't know how other moms deal with this.
Am I so weak that I cannot evolve whatever that means
Am I so weak that I am not like other moms
Is it because I am not religious
I hate who I am now, how my mind feels, how my heart hurts all the time, how empty I feel even though there is so much to be grateful for.
I am grateful for all those who put up with me who, who stand by me when I just want to be left alone.
Why did you feel the need to continue this knowing all the risks
What made you start taking pills
Was it when you broke your back in football
The pain pills and muscle relaxers
Why did you take my pain pills and I never noticed, to have me find them in your room after that fact.
The number in the wallet in your room who does it belong to
should I call it? Do I want to?
I read your death certificate more than I should and still cannot comprehend all this
I know it wont make anything better.
WHY CANT THERE BE SOMETHING TO HELP ME TREVOR?
I feel suffocated by my own thoughts and feelings
feeling like I it has been long enough where I cant break down out of control like I feel like constantly inside, like my inside is really doing but on the outside there is a force field showing an illusion.
So many of the repeats
What if anything were you feeling, thinking as you laid there with nobody to help you
Who sold it or gave it to you
I can't even go on because my head feels like its going to blow up
MY GOD TREVOR THIS COMPLETELY SUCKS MORE THAN ANYTHING.
THATS NOT EVEN THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG
I JUST HAVE NO MORE ENERGY WORDS RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM BABBLING.
MAYBE THIS IS WHY I DONT WRITE AS MUCH HERE IS BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH OF THE SAME THING.
REDUNDANT IS WHAT I FEEL WITH LIFE IN GENERAL.
WHATEVER I GUESS I JSUT KNOW I LOVE YOU I WISH I COULD KNOW YOU ARE HEARING ME, THAT SOMEONE COULD TELL ME SOMETHING GIVE ME A TRUE MESSAGE FROM YOU.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU TREV
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The definition of grief to me

What this Grief has done :

It has collapsed me

It has taken my being to a out of body experience

It has taken my breath away

It has shattered my heart

It makes my world hazy

It has made my mind numb

It has brings fear to me

It isolates me

It has taken the feeling of the confidence I once had

It gives me nightmares

It brings endless sleepless nights

It has mixed up my days

It has made me stay in my pajamas for days

It has made me not want to leave the house

It makes me physically sick

It has me hug and lay talking to a cold metal container

It makes me lay in your bed and cry myself to sleep

It confuses me

It has made me question life

It has brought less patience

It brings uncontrollable crying

It makes my eyes so puffy It hurts to open them

It makes me miss enjoying outings

It has made me throw up

It brings horrible visions

It brings screaming out of control outbursts

It has made me selfish in ways

It has taken me to sit by a name plate in your memory

It takes me to the parkway locked in my car screaming my brains out

It makes me say things I regret

It feel darkness I never knew existed

It has made me want to choke and torture every drug dealer

It gives me a sickening sence of proud seeing hundreds of people come to your funeral

It furiates me to know kids brought drugs to your funeral

That some sick bastard took pictures of my dead baby laying in his casket

It stills makes me angry and sorry at your

It makes me ugly cry in front of people

It makes feel fake

It has made me want to slap someone

It has made me feel mean

It makes me question how close we really were vs how close I thought we were

It makes me feel guilt

It makes people feel sorry for us

It makes them not know what to say and I know they mean well

There is nothing they can to make it better

It has made me literally feel hollow

It makes me feel I need to pretend I'm ok

It has given me crippling anxiety

It gives my heart enormous gravity to look at pictures of you

It has made me fake smile

It has terrified me when Ky leaves the house

It gives me such a aching heart to watch your brother cry and live forever without you

To see your father cry

It makes me feel a void like I never thought I could feel

It makes me feel like a horrible friend

It brings an uncomfortableness to conversation

It has made my personality different

It makes me furious that I couldn't hug u one last time, that the simple last kiss wasn't enough

It has taken a piece of me

It makes me want to strangle the GREENFIELD parents who feed our children drugs

It has made me not want to live

It gives me the feeling of pure agony of missing someone so completely

It changes my mood in a split second

It makes me think the last 10.00 I gave you bought the drugs that killed you

It makes me wonder why you tried it

It makes me wonder what you were thinking

It makes me question who we're your real friends

It makes me question who knew and hides it lying to me

It kills me to know you died with someone there

And he didn't get any repercussions of admitting he gave it to you

I am paralyzed wondering if you were in pain as you died

If you wanted your mommy

It makes me want to be able to touch even your cold,  still face just to have you with me

It makes me question if you thought I loved you so unconditionally I would have given my life to save yogi much more it is endless of thing feelings others don't realize there r

It makes me at times feel like a bad wife

It makes me wonder if Kyle truly knows how much I love him

It has made me second guess the mother I was 

It makes me question the mother I should be

It makes me question the mother IAM

TREVOR YOU BEING GONE IS DEVASTATING 

AND SUFFOCATES MY ENTIRE BEING

The definition of grief to me

2 years of THE LAST TIME

                  I have the Memories, the thousands of pictures and and stories, but they are just never enough Trevor. They don't undue, unfix, take away the damage to my heart, The endless nightmares,  the emptiness or the pain with every breath I can take.

Today 2 Years ago over 1100 or so Friends, Family from near and so far and our community came to say goodbye to you. 

                  I NEVER thought I would see the day I would have to stand in pure agony next to your body drained of every ounce of life it once had. I didn't want to share those last hours, minutes, seconds with anyone, but you touched so many people that they deserved to visit you one last time even if it were in your silence. I would of sat on that floor rocking and holding you as tight as I could Never wanting to let anything or anyone pry you away from me forever. I couldn't eat, drink without feeling like I would throw up my entire insides.

                  I NEVER left your side and for over 3 hrs of winding lines or the overcrowded nesx room I never saw. I greeted every person personally to let them know how much I appreciated their support for our family and having their presence, Warning and pleading with every young person never to do this to their parents. I TRIED to share the already enless grief that it causes. Over an hour of Heartfelt speeches from those who choose to share their stories of the life with you in it.

                  Except for every line in your face, every eyelash or piece of hair, the still stubble of your beard It is all still so very blurry as I unknowingly at the time was taking one of the very things that contributed to you laying there right by my side. It was a image that will forever be engraved in my mind as your dad had to make me leave holding me up from full collapse, looking back at you with no more energy left in me knowing that would be the very last time I could see your face. That would be the LAST time you were tangible to me. It would be the LAST time I COULD CUP YOUR FACE, KISS YOUR FOREHEAD, CHEEKS, STROKE YOUR HAIR, BRUSH YOUR HAIR BACK & WHISPER IN YOUR EAR HOW MUCH I WILL MISS AND FOREVER LOVE YOU.

 

JUST A CHANCE

                    Tourney planning and organizing phase is now in session, I have been off for my hand and it seems like that time I have been obsessing about how perfect this has to be for you. This day we need to count on so many to make it possible, it has to be great, go smooth and MOST IMPORTANTLY I want YOU to be in the FOREFRONT of EVERYONE'S MIND. I HATE that we have to remember instead of have you here. I really wish you could be the here and now. 
                    You know your buddy is in a serious world of hurt and he is fighting Trevor FIGHTING so very hard. We are unaware of the damage done, but the most important thing is that he is alive and he has so many pulling for him. He has what has been said a terribly long road, a slow road ahead of him, but those of us who know each other will be there for his family as everyone has been for us. 
                  My heart aches for them, the unknown is such a horrible place to be, they must take 1 day at a time, and take what they are given cause they don't have a choice, their lives revolve second by second and all they can do is wait, hope, pray, hope and love , love him and fight for and with him to try to make his life as good as it can be for him to be as healthy as he can be and let him have a future.
                The second by second I experience, but unfortunately Trevorrrrrrr you did not allow me to Fight for you, you didn't allow me to be there for you and with you, You didn't allow me to even try, You gave me the seconds by seconds of life the emptiness and void, I would of  FOUGHT for you  daily, FOUGHT SO VERY HARD to help you do what you needed, helped you to try and overcome whatever addiction you had, I would have stayed by your side night and day, given my ALL EVERY OUNCE OF LIFE I HAD MY LAST BREATH TO SAVE YOU TREVOR.

EXPECTATIONS SHATTERED

  Robynne Matusak was the woman you came thru to when she was reading Amy at her work right after you died.  She told Amy things she wouldn't of known and even things we didn't even know at the time.  It was incredible the details she was able to give and then we had her come to the house and she didn't disappoint. She paced back and forth with her eyes closed and then open and concentrating. She gave us so many things in the hour she was here that there is no way we could question if it was you who she saw giving her images of things that would make us know it was you who knew we wanted to hear from you, to know you know we miss you and how we are grieving. She gave and gave and didn't really ask questions and still gave concrete connections.
     I have been wanting to see her since around your birthday but she for some reason has not been doing reading, maybe her life is busy or she needs to concentrate on other things and isn't able then to give fully to her clients???? Anyway so there was an opportunity to see someone else and it was not expensive so I thought I would try to reach you again maybe thru someone else.

So On April 27th 2017 I went to this woman's house for a reading
Wellllllllllllllllllllll I hate to say it was a waste of time, but it WAS a total waste of time and money even though it wasn't much. During she asked and asked and fished and fished and gave info that was not fitting that was totally wrong and she would try to cover Reach and Reach with something else when I would say No, it wasn't true, it wasn't it, no he didn't,
I really don't know what I'm looking for Trev I don't know what I think I will get out of connecting again with you, more info, more answers, I don't think those will ever come but I guess I just want what the movies share. Like a Ghost movie of sorts. I want to know you are hearing me, seeing me, with me truly with me, listening, knowing things, seeing things.  I will take the smallest anything I can get Trevor. I just want you and anything I can have. I don't even know if it will make me feel better, but I am just grasping at whatever I can get to connect with you somehow now, still.
I felt so emotionally drained after that reading and my heart still yearning with a vast emptiness, still with no answers and not one iota of connection. Maybe having such a genuine reading with concrete connections from Robynne I was expecting too much, but I just feel like she had no connection and the things she did say were words that were from fishing constantly.
JUST SAD TREVOR, SAD ABOUT IT ALL, EVERYTHING IS SO PLAIN PAINFULL

.

The MOm I should be and Racing thoughts

As my eyes are opening in the fogginess of waking no matter what time waking up for the day , being woke up or with yet another dream or nightmare. I think to myself it was juuuust a dream.....As the fogginess wears off I literally can feel reality slap me with full force in the face. My eyes well up.... I think to my self today has to be better right?, PLEASE let it be easier, less a feeling of my heart shattering feeling that pain of every single sharp edge exploding inside me taking my breath to a stand still. I breathe in an it is glued there until I let out the first silent whimper and flush of air that escapes trying not to scream outloud yet again this CANNOT BE HAPPENING!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OH GOD YOU ARE GONE TREVORRRRRRRRR. I fully am in reality now reminding me that another day without you here, realizing yes I am without your smiling face, without your voice, the laughs you will give today,  and that 1st hug of the day whether it be 8am or 1pm.
      So yes work days I get out of bed and push through another day, Why Trev cause I have no choice......Bills need to be paid, people count on me. Even going thru the motions you are right there in the forefront of my mind. I want you there Trev and you will never be out of my mind. I just want to be able to be able to see, hear and deal with the day with a lighter pain, I want to give your brother the mom he deserves. I don't want to be preoccupied by this pain. He deserves more and I should be able to focus fully on the here and now and be about him. I am so proud and so happy and love him so very much I just think to myself he has to feel left out if you will, like GEZ Mom I'm still here ya know. I don't love him any less because of this in fact I couldn't I love him more and more everyday for who is is, who he is becoming, what he has accomplished and continues to accomplish and his true perseverance in life. It is just so hard to explain almost impossible Trevor to explain the guilt I have because you have taken me apart and the whole Old me is gone. I just feel like I am not the mom he deserves. I cant help to have that bit of anger that you have taken me and broken me apart and the pieces are giving the image of a person, but it not together, its not me and I cant seem to find myself, I want me back TREVORRRRRRRRRRR I know you didn't do this on purpose but YOU DID IT YOU LEFT ME HIS WAY. 

If I am woke early I lay suspended in thoughts or after a dream about you, something to do with you or with you. I immediately get up and write it in the beautiful journal that Audrey gave to me. I then go back to bed and there I lay. I try so hard to go back to sleep and maybe some days I do because I am so exhausted but its after some time, most times I cant go back to sleep whether it be a half hour after going to bed, midnight, 2- 3am ( which is when I usually wake up or dad wakes me because I am sobbing uncontrollably) It could be a dream where I see you and am so happy but inside my mind even in the dream I know you are dead, or with you talking to me real in the flesh but in the end it is only to know its not real for as much as it seemed to be.

SO I LAY EYSES OPEN OR CLOSED and it starts

THE RACING

the first time you got a forensics award, doing your Santa Claus forensics speech, your spiked blonde hair with flowers for your teacher, parents night for football, you and your brother sitting in your playroom at the ages of 1-2 years of age, getting your first set of tubes,people speaking at your funeral, learning to ride your bike by yourself for the first time, your geography bee saying a gondola was from Poland when your best friend was Italian, visions of my baby as people walked by paying their last respects, getting your tonsils out, wondering where you were the day we couldn't find you and you wouldn't answer your phone, sitting with our first dog on the kitchen floor and in the kennel, walking around with your butt crack hanging out after your first birthday party, going thru the millions of pics for your funeral boards, sitting next to a huge Paddington bear in your crib, 8th grade football practice at Greendale high school, using a axe to cut branches that fell in the front yard, learning to use the rider to cut the grass for the first time, your track meets, winning a coloring contest at the library when you were in kindergarten, going to make arrangements at the funeral home and seeing you for the first time laying motionless with Auntie Becky, Uncle Kevin, Your Brother and Dad, and Amanda, hurting your ankle in St Francis game in jr hawks, you first homecoming, you singing at a honor society awards, being inducted into the national honor society with Chesca, Visiting you everyday at the funeral home till your funeral, the speech you gave about coach Palama in 6th or 7th grade banquet for jr hawks, swim lessons when you were about 6years old, having a crush on Maria Lucio, hanging out a the fennigs with your friends and the guys with capes like super hero's, all the kids who filled our home and your bedroom the day we found out you were dead, going to cool waters with T-bone, Randi, Kyle h, Amanda f, taking you snowboarding, having to tell the lady at the funeral home to fix your make up it didn't look right, REALLY ???? I shouldn't be doing this, your dad posing with you as you were a month old, going to see your first concert, you in the incubator on al lighted blanket with you foam sunglasses on, How I can feel my heart hurt with the beats it takes, getting a hematoma in a high school game at Browndeer and not wanting to come out, you and your brother at Disney world, sitting with me in bed after you and your brother made me breakfast in bed for mothers day, breaking your finger at 8 and having a infusion for you platelet defect, your concert at elm dale with a circus theme when you were in 3-4th grade, playing catch with your dad and brother in the backyard, becoming vice president of the national honor society, leaving for you people to people trip that you were nominated for in 8th grade, running into the car mirror thru the garage in West Allis when you were 5-6 and cutting your right eyebrow and needing stitches, Laying in your underwear under the Christmas tree as we were decorating it, building a airplane, cub scouts at a retirement home you playing chess with one of the women residents, the excitement of going thru your stockings at St. Nick, Graduation, Moving you to Minnesota, and leaving you there the first time.

I could go on and on and on and on but this Trev is what goes thru my head in no order what so ever just constantly swirls wildly in my head with my eyes open, closed, sleeping or not, crying or not smiling or not everyday and minute you have been gone. 

I sometimes find my self thinking I just don't want to do this anymore, I JUST DON'T, I is so much work to open my eyes another day and take that 1st Breath of Pain