A Decade without you

 A DECADE without you.

     I have been living the same nightmare for 10.......10 years Trevor!!! A DECADE, yet it seems like just 24hr ago you took your last breath without any knowledge. I can't even believe it's been 10 years since you died of an overdose. ugh......I can say overdose but still feel like throwing up my insides with my legs feeling like they've disappeared out from under me.  The screams of that day Echoe over and over and over in my mind. It is a constant fight or flight, a terrifying feeling of desperation.

    An overwhelming panic is part of my day to day. Trying to forget, to not see...visions of horrid things. squeezing your eyes shut tight Unfortunately doesn't diminish the horror. I feel like I’m suffocating, and it hurts sometimes just to take shallow breaths. My chest physically hurts. This devastation has taken years off my life. I can’t imagine what kind of damage to my health the stress, anxiety, grief and PTSD has done. The chronic pain is real and feels enormous. weird but the lightest I feel is when given surgery drugs.

    I thought in the beginning I could deal with this loss by myself, take care of it internally and... I was going to become A mom, THAT mom... the one who looks put together, so full of life. Able to enjoy life to a certain extent. I was going to be that STRONG woman, CELEBRATE you, LIVE for you, show I could handle my grief. I thought it was going to fade like other deaths I've experienced. I WAS SO VERY WRONG, SO VERYYYYYYY F-ING WRONG. I'm not afraid to admit that I should have sought out help, something.... some sort of group, therapist. I should have reached out the support from friends, community friends, family...! right?  It is very easy to say "(if you need anything.)" but it is extremely hard for the receiver to act on it. 

    There are outlets and circles of support, but I neglected those outlets because NOBODY knew/knows MY pain. They can empathize, but every situation is completely different even with those who have lost their children/child. Then there is the anger, the frustration it brings, the emptiness, A void that echoes on and on and on. The guilt continues to eat me from the inside out. It's easy for others to give advice on how I shouldn't feel guilty, but they have not lost a child. They don't understand the complication of it all. I am grateful most times that they don't know the devastation, but inside there are times I just want them /someone to just GET IT. To know just an ion of the pain and how it consumes you, every part of your being, with every breath you take it feels as though there are shards of glass piercing every organ and your insides feel like I would imagine like a hollow point bullet feels.

    I have spent months in residential mental health facilities and still today struggle with suicidal ideations. Honestly feel I've come a long way since the day you died.  Gosh 1 step forward at a time and then bam 20 backwards. The struggle is so real, but there has been some change. Others also say they notice changes and see a difference in certain aspects of my life too. In all honesty, I am still far from O.K. Every day is a constant uphill battle. It's extremely hard when you finally come to realize every day that I wake up to another day without you. It truly is pure torture, the kind you would rather just die than experience. 

    The distance in years of healing doesn't equate to the heaviness of the loss. I became heavy June 29th of 2015, and the heaviness seems to have gotten immensely heavier with each passing year. Some have and will say it will get better, time heals ALL wounds, you will learn to live a new life.... Hmmmmmm NEW LIFE... That always came across to me as a fresh beginning. There is not a fresh beginning when losing a child. I have come to realize {not accept} but, that I will never be O.k. Losing you has changed my life FOREVER Trevor. That day replays in my mind 24…...7 every second I am awake the agony is a constant. Visions are horrid. I could be having a conversation with anyone and at the same time, that day, your funeral and days after re playing in my mind. My mind is foggy, my memory shit. Any numbness I can get I yearn for; I welcome it with open arms. Any reprieve from reality.

    To this day I could crawl into my bed and stay there as long as I can. I feel like I let Kyle down on a daily with your death as a mother. I feel guilty, because I can't just be his mom. The mom he deserves. I have to be his mom with you, with a pain so deep. The relentless pain again paralyzes me and keeps me consumed with still the what’s, whys, when’s, what ifs. The confusion of how this could even happen is incomprehensible. I don’t think I ever hated anything as much as I HATE Anthony. That is his name…. The loser that lied to the police about what occurred on the night of the 28th. The so-called man who called his Mommy 1st instead of people who may have been able to save you. The admittance of playing a role and the one who never was arrested, confronted with any jail time or any kind of consequences. I know it was your decision, and nobody forced you to take Xanax and Heroin. I know you didn’t take your life on purpose. I know you would be devastated knowing what this has done to me. Days are dark even on sunny days. Anger is ruthless and it’s more than just mad, upset or furious. What I wouldn’t give to spend just a few minutes alone with him…. just a few. I want him to suffer like I am, like you did.  I want some sort of justice that will never come.

    I not only grieve you Trevor but, I grieve the person I used to be.  I can't remember any day in this last ten years that I have been truly Happy since you died. No being content, never truly relaxed, no sense of calm. I’ve abused medications and THC trying to find a way out, but it never comes and all it brought was more mental anguish, added to my depression and anxiety and cause withdrawals and lack of sleep which aren’t something you want on top of the slew of challenges I struggle with.

    Life was so easy, so happy, complete.  I was so content with our lives 10 years ago. I struggled with mental health, but nothing compared to what this addition of grief and severe PTSD has caused. Dissociative flashbacks....... What? never knew they were a thing. Yep it's like literally leaving your body and stepping into the shoes that I was in that day. You lose reality and can't respond to others trying to help you. You shake uncontrollably and scream. You lose the ability to sniffle, and your nose runs profusely. Your body tense's up and you get so rigid when you come out of it you are in a lot pain and your extremely EXAUSTED. With every horrible vision, memory you RE-LIVE it all, breath for breath or not breathing at all. 

    Looking back, we had it all…. My children living and breathing. The sunken feeling in my stomach thinking about how you died utterly destroys me. The visions of the unknown creep in and I make up my own nightmare and it eats me from the inside out. This 10 years have brought an exhaustion nobody should ever feel. I’m soooooooooooooooo tired of it all. The destruction this has caused is irreversible. I can’t get beyond the fact that you are gone.

The Nevers of the present and future are torment.  Watching those who surrounded you are moving forward, getting married, having children, being successful, having fun with your friends and there is NOTHING for you. No voice, No Trev facial expressions, No laughs, No jokes, No sarcasm, No picking on your little brother, No soft kisses or tight warm hugs.

This is just a small reflection of the last ten years. A part of my soul is now GONE. I continue Hold memories dear and love you unconditionally. I continue to be completely depleted physically and mentally. it is not forgiving at all. If you have gotten to the end of this, I appreciate you allowing me to vent and share.

 I'd like to thank those of you who still keep us close, who stay in touch who include us in your lives. The simple messages or call, even greeting cards, those who still share stories and speak our baby's name, those who are my rocks, my soul sisters, still many of our greenfield families and community and I'm so grateful for Kyles friend's love, contact and supporting us and my baby, and ESPECIALLY Trev's friends staying in constant contact and loving us, supporting us. It would have been easy to just detach without Trev as our connector, but they didn't. We may not say it enough, but it is TRULY appreciated and fills our hearts.

The Sun and the Moon

The snow is pretty.                                                                 Clouds are heavy today.

My hip hurts.                                                                    It's sunny out and I see darkness.

Hope Pete is safe at work.                                                Ky skateboarding in the basement.

I have to get together stuff for gramma party.                  Our wedding.

Trev laying on a gurney in the funeral home.                   How cold Trevor was.    

Taking the boys for their licenses.                                    Guilt of the mom I am now for Ky.

Pete dying.                                                                        Comical Rigsy. 

All the people gathered in our house the day Trevor died.    Ky's game with the high Air kick.

Trevor's empty bed.                                                          Thinking of vacation

Laying in the sun.                                                             Anticipation of upcoming vacation.

Feeling Trevor's skull glued as I ran my fingers thru his hair at the funeral home.

Screaming on the ground at the police station.                Ky training with Rigsy.

Wondering who really knew.                                           Ky putting his life on the line daily.

Despising the strangers who he was hanging with.         Guilt of not engaging.

looking at the door waiting for Trev to walk through,     Have to get a Pedi s

Question what kind a friend I am.                                    Therapy appts  

So grateful for having Hades.                                           Kys 6 mo old baby pic.

Laying in Trevor's bed crying.                                         Mix book projects.

Grammas 100th B-Day.                                                    Ky dying

Reliving getting home after police station.                      Falling in the back yard screaming.

Packing Trevor's things away.                                          Ky's graduation

Prom's.                                                                              Trevor's fist library card.   

Trevor's 1st place coloring contest in West Allis.            Ky's middle school haircut.

Ky Walking across the stage at graduation.                     I need to clean my craft room.

Upcoming weddings.                                                       Last vacation

Our Santa and glad she is safe.                                        Gramma dying

Have to sew the dogs' babies.                                          Grateful for our little house

Redoing the guest bed closet.                                          The Line at Trevor's funeral.

Cleaning basement.                                                          A friend's baby announcement

My room at the bin.                                                          Ky getting married? Kids?

Ky's first pumpkin farm trip.                                            Trev's coffin being put in cremation machine.

Seeing Pete and Ky on the steps of the police station falling to embrace in agony.

Speakers at Trev's Funeral.                                              Looking at my Dead son in a coffin.

Trev's eye not being fully closed when we sent to see him the first time. 

Trev's jersey on him at funeral.                                       building snowmen in the yard.

Trev's awards.                                                                  Trev's accomplishments at different times.

His last football game. 

And with the thoughts come the sun and the Moon fighting over the feel's GOOD, BAD, DEBILITATING, EXAUSTING and UGLY!

Panic, Sweating, nauseous, tremor's, headache, rapid, hard thumping of your heart, tight chest, crying, screaming, anger, empty, lost, miserable, unsteady, stressed, insecure, tornado winds, happiness, curiosity, no closure, racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, over or under eating, nervous, nostalgic, sad, grief stricken, erupting volcano, unsure, insignificant, drowning, judged, overwhelmed, exhausted, numb, proud.

Endless things thought of and so many words to describe, but barely limited to just these. This is just a few minutes of my days. It can be uplifting, then devasting and that Darkness is thick. Sometimes the real world feels out of reach and the tiny suffocating tunnel is long, and toxic.

No Direction

 I find my depression has kept me uninterested in so many things since Trevor died. For years now I know I've slipped waaaaay down past the dirt, Way out to sea not engaging in much. Feeling no joy is so extremely exausting, especially when others just cant comprehend. I wish they but not with the consequences. Yes, others also lost Trevor, but all that matters to me is I DON'T HAVE HIM HERE. When I say uninterested it means caring about nothing! House, friends, family, events, Can you imagine being genuinely happy and full life with a full family. To go from that, to feeling desolate, dead, dark and empty. It is something I could never have predicted would ever take over my being. If u know me you know I went from outgoing, bubbly, productive, creative, good friend and HAPPY, TRULY HAPPY person. I until recently, found no hope or so little joy in things. I still reach far into my soul, but missing a huge part of me takes the air out of me, like a blow up santa.  Some days I have good intentions of not sitting on the couch all day, day in and day out. Staying in my pj's not wanting to roll to the edge of the bed and step into another day without Trev.  I try to pep talk myself, but yet the motivation is 1 out of a billion and most times so rare that it constantly plays hookie from my life. I lean so hard on a man who.......( if you don't like mush its your time to go) supports me immensely. Loves me for my diagnosis's of crazy and is there to love me for me.

I used to vacuum every day, my house clean and organized. Since Trev died he picks up my half of responsibility in house duties and has now for years. Along with working full time and doing his own things. That guilt along with so much more eats at me. Soooooo there's another area of crazy, cause I know he loves me unconditionally and I would step up if he needed the support. I have seen that tiny spark of joy and wonder and hope it stays and continues to grow. I'm really not sure where this blog would take me. Not sure if it even makes sense,but I started it with not really a direction. So in the past week, I've done dishes, laundry, cleaned the fish tank and tried to focus on that spark. 

I'm not saying the days of bed, couch and Jammie are over, but it's a step.... and I hear it's 1 foot in front of the other.

💗 me

HOPE

 I haven't posted in forever, but today was a day I just needed to revisit diarrhea of the mind and mouth, really fingers lol.

This was today's blog and I thought I'd share. 

Today I sit here reflecting on so sooo many things. # 1 I now have been taking ketamine micro dosing treatments for 3 months.

Ketamine - Known for its anesthetic effects and therapeutic potential, ketamine is increasingly being used as a treatment for anxiety and depression. 
At lower doses, ketamine can disrupt negative feelings and preoccupations and help the brain create new, healthier patterns. Ketamine is a transformational medicine of the mind. It can rapidly —often within an hour or two— lift the symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other conditions. When people suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, their neurons become stunted with fewer connections. Ketamine helps repair this damage by stimulating the production of chemicals that act like fertilizer for the brain, restoring and strengthening connections between neurons. Ketamine can also offer relief from negative thoughts by normalizing activity in a part of the brain known as the default mode network. By altering connectivity in this part of the brain, ketamine can help people to break out of old thought patterns that cause anxiety and depression.

Most of my blogs have been with raw emotion, distress, exhaustion, Devastation, Desperation, panic, physical pain, disassociations, isolation, a lot of descriptive words sharing my complete heartache. 

My grief so vast, the void echos daily reminding me of what's missing to make me whole, that my friends and family will stay FOREVER.

I had never in my life thought I could have so many feelings, words to describe pain, in phrases, sentences. Its endless really, although it all feels the same to me.

I feel these hurdles the many I have are treacherous and feel so Un accomplishable, yet I continue to muster the strength to live another day. When you wake though there's been no miracle, no dreams come true, you wake bammmm there it is reality. The devastation starts over again and its evil and ugly, redundant and just so exhausting. I always hope that the next morning won't be so hard, the day be so meaningless. The air stale and a cloud of darkness hanging over you, even on the sunniest day. I yearn for an easier day. I'd like to feel a bit lighter, to feel a genuine smile and be ok with it, laugh and not feel the guilt and embarrassment of others and what they may think of me as a mother of a child who died from an overdose. Why is she smiling? Why is she laughing? How can she find joy? or Judgment well I guess she's over it because she is doing something (other than crying curled up in a ball on the floor.) These are things that I know can and can't be true, but I will say this with the loudest of voices and this is something TOTALLY unexpected for a lot of you that I am even saying these words.  

I DO DESERVE TO HAVE HAPPY TIMES; I DESERVE TO ALSO STILL BE DEVASTATED THAT MY SON IS DEAD. I AM ALOUD TO HAVE HORRENDOUS DAYS, HOURS, MINUTES, SECONDS, BUT I ALSO DO KNOW TREVOR WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE SAD. THAT IS SOMETHING I KNOW IS TRUE, BUT I KNOW HE ALSO DOESN'T HAVE A SAY, BECAUSE OF HIS STUPID DECISIONS AND BEING A LEADER THAT FOLLOWED. I ALSO DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY PLACE BETTER FOR TREVOR THAN RIGHT HERE WITH US, SOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO, NO HE'S NOT IN A BETTER PLACE!! THAT IS FOR DAMN SURE.....

There is so much I need to work on and I'm definitely NOT close to getting over those hurdles, but after these 3 months of Ketamine, I CAN say those words and believe it. After 3 months I feel something!!!!, something other than being dead all shriveled up and rotten inside. Like you're on a plane looking at Chicago lights from thousands of miles in the air. I feel that just 1 streetlight is on. Thats in my heart. I feel the beats, and not having it feel like its buried sunken treasure at the tippiest (I know probably not a word.) part of my toes.  I have not had suicidal contemplations or plans. That in itself is HUGE, I think anyway. I'm not saying I still don't have thoughts of no pain at all, but a flighting irrational thought is just that, flighting and that's a step in the right direction.

I guess I just wanted to jot some words down and toot my own horn for lighting that 1 streetlight. I STILL AM ALL THE HURDLES, BUT THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE!

REFLECTING

                It's been so very long since I have felt  like sharing on the blog. I forget how painful it is to start a new post.  I question if I want to dive into stories, thoughts, feelings. I start with a numbness, and then my fingers reach the keys and I start to type. I don't know why I try to block the feelings, because it's inevitable that they will push the gates wide open and the flood of emotions takes over. 

                As I sit here and contemplate what I want to get out today I think to myself why do this to yourself? Why do you want to get upset and end up feeling so full of loneliness for you Trev and the agony of so many things that have come with losing you. It brings a enormous sadness, one that is so completely painful I never thought there could be a level such as this. 

              It's been so long Trevor, yet it seems like just yesterday that I heard the dreaded words that destroyed who I used to be forever.  1948 Days you have been gone. It doesn't seem like a huge number by just looking at it, but IT IS!  It is 5 Years 3 Months and 29 Days. I never thought I would have to live my life without you in and knowing it's forever gives me the sickest feeling and the deepest of sorrows.

              I never thought Pain could bring me to think , say, do so many things that a person should never think about. Knowing that those things can destroy a persons very existence, and can bring loss and devastation and change lives to those who love me, yet I attempted. Not so long ago I took a scissors to my wrist.  The whole time thinking I don't want to bring pain to those who love me, but I also don't want to feel this pain anymore. In those same thoughts also thinking all my mental health issues would disappear with one simple act

A pain so vast

 

Days that the heaviness of your heart feels like it will burst out of your soles, your lungs feel like they are collapsing with every exhale. The pressure in your head makes your whole head and face hurt. Your mind is foggier than a cloudy/dreary day. There is no creativity. The sadness is unforgiving and you just want to crawl under whatever you can and disappear from the world that your life has become. The guilt makes your stomach so sick you aren't sure if you should throw up or eat your way thru the day to try and put that nauseous feeling at bay. On top of the rest of my mental health it all feels so useless. You work and fight so extremely hard ,so extremely hard for the better days and the bad days just completely defeat you.

Just a mom who misses one of her children so hard that getting hit by a truck would be
painless.

Missing you Trev my grief so very vast and my love indescribable

TOURNEY FINISHES

  Well...… All Raffles put together and wrapped, All titles, labels and numbers applied, Hopefully I have all Donators listed on our appreciation board and info logged in my records.

I think we now have teams set, all my wonderful volunteers are confirmed. Cars are packed and soon to have tables picked up.

        I STRESS FROM THE 1ST DAY OF PLANNING, I WORK SO VERY HARD TO TRY TO MAKE THIS DAY AS GREAT AS IT CAN BE. i DONT ASK FOR MUCH HELP BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY THING I CAN DO FOR YOU. I CAN'T HOLD YOU, KISS YOUR CHEEKS FEEL THAT HUG AND CAN'T SAVE YOU SO THIS IS WHAT I HAVE.

       MANY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, RACING THOUGHTS, WORRY, ANXIETY AND FALLING ASLEEP WITH TEARS IN MY EYES. YOUR DAD SUPPORTING ME EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY. CHEERING ME ON, HOLDING ME UP AND LOVING ME ENDLESSLY TELLING ME THAT IT WILL ALL TURN OUT FINE.

       TODAY FINALIZING EVERYTHING IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE SUCKER PUNCHED ME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN.  YOUR DAD HOLDING ME AS TIGHT AS HE CAN AS MANY HARD SOBBING TEARS HAVE FALLEN. As I sit here writing this I still can't believe tomorrow even exists..

      ALL THIS TREVOR, ANOTHER YEAR OF PREPARATION FOR A DAY WE SHOULD OF NEVER HAVE HAD TO HAVE FOR YOU..

I HOPE YOU CAN SEE TOMORROW HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVED BY OTHERS STILL. I HOPE STORIES CAN BE SHARED, SMILES FROM THINKING ABOUT YOUR ANTICS, REMEMBERING YOUR BIG BROWN EYES AND THAT LAUGH AND SARCASM, YOUR 1 AND ONLY PERSONALITY.

I, YOUR DAD AND YOUR BABY BROTHER LOVE AND MISS YOU BEYOND ANY WORDS.