Empty Celebrations

                         Days prior to today.................the looking forward to Black Friday sales, Traveling miles to destinations of fun in the sun or family, busy bustling of shopping with packed stores and malls, happy jolly Christmas music, Christmas parties, Santa visits, decorating, Christmas lights, setting up your tree placing the ornaments on and placing your family's special something at the top, getting haircuts and making sure you get into the salon, making cookies, big blow up characters, sending out cards to share their love and appreciation and searching for that special gift for that and those special loved ones..............
                      Today just another day? A day or eve to attend church for some it is a day to celebrate a higher being,  lighting a menorah, celebrating different beliefs, still a day to do last minute decorating, This day..... for some it is last minute shopping, A day that starts family preparing of dinners, drinks of cheer, fancy clothes, presents, happy music, good food, laughing, the giggles of children as they run around houses in anticipation of opening their presents, wrapping paper tossed across carpets around the world, going to bed with warm fuzzy feelings, and happiness, the feeling of tummies full, children's excitement to leave cookies for the big jolly man who will come down the chimney and maybe for some to wonder how he got in with no chimney, the difficulty of falling asleep because they can't wait to wake up to a floor of presents wrapped around the bottom of the tree.
                         For us................................. it is a Thursday............ It is a Day with a name................Yes we are truly and genuinely grateful and have love for everyone who has been there for us, the people who have loved us and continue to love us, think of us. Those who still continue to keep us close to them in their thoughts and prayers, that keep you close in their hearts to remember you and Speak your name with memories, stories, Loving you and missing you, some with smiles of having the honor of having known you and how you touched their lives, having you be a part of their lives, and some missing you shedding tears because there is still disbelief that you are not here. That Trevor space is null and void in a physical sense, a sense that should be, but is not.
                           For us it is a house with 2 laser lights outside, room's of No decorations...... No cards sent out, No cookies made, No tree with pretty lights, ornaments.
                        Today is a day I opened my eyes this morning knowing this was a special day of sorts, a day that we are supposed to be excited to spend time with family, for me to take hundreds of pictures of funny silly faces of our boys interacting with each other and those around them, for family pictures, pictures of the 4 of us that will never be again. It is a eve for our boys still at 19 and 20 to go to bed and wake up in the morning still excited to open their gifts. It is a day that I just wanted to pull the covers over my head, a day that I dread to celebrate without one of my children, a day that I could just lay motionless in the dark with tears steaming down my face, a day that I don't want to smile that I don't want to cry because it is not about me, I don't want those around me to feel sorry for me, to walk on eggshells, to worry about what to say, a day that tears started to immediately fall with a growing cry, and knowing I am alone in the house. A morning that I that my breath gets stuck because my lungs feel suppressed, my chest heavy with a sinking feeling, my stomach in knots. Today is sunny, but seems like a dark whirl wind of black, like my mind is inside a raging tornado, I am drowning in a tidal wave. I find the umph to get out of bed feeling like there is a force drawing me back., like there are cement bricks stuck in quicksand. my head hurts pressure if wanting to blow up, my whole body is just in pain.  As I open my bedroom door. I see u and proceed to cry harder and louder. 
                         Today is a day that I know your brother and dad are hurting, a day that I know they have the excruciating feeling of a pitch fork slowly being stuck in them and being twisted back and forth. A day I know my son is missing his brother something fierce, that he has a heart with no happiness, no desire to have gotten out of bed to go to work, that he has no desire to hang out with people, he is not excited to open gifts, eat dinner and be merry.
                     The only thing I know he is excited about is going for a tattoo of your actual writing, a little note that you wrote, he decided that it meant enough to print it on his body for all to see. Something he is proud of being able to have to treasure for the rest of his life.
                    Today is a day that I am so glad to have your dad and your brother to hang on tight to that I know the pain your father feels not having his best friend, one of 2 sons he hold so dear,  someone I know he was proud of, someone he could have to joked with, made faces with, His concert buddy, someone who understood things nobody else did, only things that the three of them would know or get the humor behind.
                     I am nothing, nothing of what I should be feeling if you were here. I feel like a hollow shell. I could write a book of every single nothing I am feeling, but I will just say that not just today, but everyday I miss you, I yearn to have you here, to hear your voice, to hear that laugh and the funny , loving things you would say, to have your smell your hugging me just feeling the connection we had, a mommy and her son the bond like no other, I wish every second of my life that I would just be able to look into your big brown eyes and tell you how much I  LOVE  YOU SO SO SO  MUCH. Writing these simple letters, words is not enough and doesn't even scratch the tiniest of surfaces of how much I LOVE AND MISS YOU. How my heart just hurts like its being torn out. Although you are here on our T.V. stand and I know you are not there, I will visit your plaque and talk to you. For what it is worth Trev I will kneel holding you not wanting it to be a cold container wishing it was you in the flesh I could squeeze. I believe you can hear me and I will sit on your bed and cry and tell you how much I love you, and everything else I can get out of my mouth in between trying to catch my breath.  You should be here with us with the 3 of us and it kills us all that we have that emptiness.                   I cherish every X-Mas with you but will cherish my last more than anything.

 

 

                                     

Reaching Out

                                      

Tomorrow your Dad and I are meeting with a median. I have had this planned for a couple weeks. At the beginning all I thought about was I wish it wasn't so far away. It seemed like it was scheduled eons away, even though it was only a couple weeks. I tried not to think about it too much, because it would just seem still too far away. I am looking forward to this so much. I think to myself, Now...... I don't want to expect anything.... that way if there is something from you I will feel like it was a success. Depending on what it is I will know you hear me, that your still out there somewhere. I know there may be a chance that you don't come through. In that case I will be sad, sadder than I am now????? I don't know if there is even a worse place to be. This sad goes right thru the bottom of the very bottom of the bucket, thru the core of the earth and swirl continuously in the never ending blackness that is space. 
                                                    In my mind I know you came through to Aim and I believe it was you, because there were things she said about you and from you that nobody would of known. Because I am not really religious and I don't really have beliefs of a higher being or place to hang out with ultimate beauty. I want to know you are still with me in some form, whatever that may be.
                                   My heart is in so much pain thinking about you not being here, not being with our family Xmas Eve, no gifts for you, then there is those lucky parents that still have their children...ALL OF THEM whether it be one or 10. They have a abundance of merry cheer, happiness with smiles, laughs, warm full hearts, and lots of HUGS AND KISSES full of love from their children and them knowing they love their parents and them knowing it is genuine unconditional love that the parents have for them. I am truly happy for those families but when I have been in a situation with discussions of buying gifts, getting ready for the holidays, How some of the kids are so picky and they don't know what to buy or if they will like what they were bought.  I think at least you can buy a gift and give it to them, see them light up. I so want that, I want it with all I am. With all my heart I know you knew you were loved unconditionally no matter what. I know you didn't mean for this to happen........ I know, but it doesn't help me, doesn't give me a sense of anything, no happiness, smiles, full heart, peace and especially the gentle soft kisses and tight hugs from you.
                                 I don't have a list of things I miss about you............
                            IT IS THE EVERYTHING YOU WERE THAT IS MISSED
  THE PART OF MY HEART THAT IS YOUR PLACE FEELS LIKE IT IS SHRIVELED UP LIKE A OLD APPLE.




I am so anxious but extremely excited my insides are so churned up. I am so open, she said you have to be and feel open, My heart open, my mind open, My whole soul is open to any and everything that she can pass to me from you. PLEEEEEASE I AM BEGGING YOU TO COME TO ME AND YOUR DAD. Everyday that passes there are other memories, duties that call and distractions, but even with everything you are at the forefront of my mind.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH HOW I WISH WITH ALL OF ME THAT WISHES COULD COME TRUE, MAGIC WANDS WORKED AND GENIES EXSISTED.
THE LIFE YOUR BROTHER, YOUR DAD AND ME ARE LIVING DRAGS US DOWN LIKE CEMENT BOOTS, AND FEELS LIKE WE ARE BEING SUCKED DOWN BY THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.
I am extremely grateful that I have your brother and dad to cling tight to.

WHERE R U?????????

                           Every day closer to the holidays is getting harder and harder lately. I don't have any ambition or want to do any decorating. We put the new laser's in the big trees. The ones they say are for the lazy decorators. Your dad and I don't even care about decorations or a tree. Your brother even said why? who cares....who needs a tree..... I don't know if he is just saying it or if he really means it. I don't know if it will make a difference for our emotional states. I doubt it really.
 It has been 25 days since I had a dream with you with me, in it, or about you. I realize every time I dream I wake up screaming or crying, but I am missing you terribly. I have been yearning for a dream even for a short burst of you being near me. I have my memories of your smiles and face, but in my dreams it is more real and you are tangible in a way in my dreams. They say that it is visits when you dream about your loved ones that have past. WHY????? WHY haven't you been there???? WHY won't you come even when I beg you. I beg you everyday to please come to me. I want you to be in my dreams, even in my worst nightmares I think its you coming to me. I see you in the flesh, I hug you a lot and have talked to you and you me even more so in my dreams. Sad or not, upset or screaming.  If you are not visiting me are you hearing me when I am in your room?

OH HOW I WISH FROM THE DEEPEST PART OF MY WHOLE BEING THIS COULD SOMEHOW BE TRUE

                        I kneel at the side of your bed with my head on your pillow or just draped, limp, crying, still wondering why????? what made you do this, think it was ok, think you would be fine knowing what this epidemic is doing to people.... to IT HAS DONE TO US................  I Sit in my chair at night and out of nowhere will have tears streaming down my cheeks. A waterfall rushing faster than I am able to wipe so I just let it fall, I sit numb with no expression knowing nothing but I am sooooooooooooooooo very sad, more than sad, my head still in a fog wanting this to be so unreal. The part of my mind that is aware of what the truth is knows you can't come back. I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I am so confused still, HOW COULD THIS BE? MY BABY, HOW COULD YOU BE GONE?  HOW CAN THIS BE THE REALITY OF OUR LIFE? WHY DID THIS TOUCH OUR LIVES?
          I have been physically sick for weeks now. I don't know if it is the exhaustion actually taking over, the strain on my emotions and my, mind, my body, if it has finally caught up and taking over. My health is different, I feel different more different that being just tired, deep breaths don't seem to release overwhelming feelings, they don't clear my mind, not that they did before but sometimes its like I ran miles and can't catch my breath, feel relaxed.
          I DREAD XMAS EVE, SITTING WITH THE REST OF OUR FAMILY, OPENING PRESENTS, EATING MISSING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKING FUNNY FACES, COMMENTS, SITTING WITH YOUR BROTHER TAKING PICTURES, THE FEELING OF JSUT LOVING YOU, LOVING US TOGETHER, LOVING SEEING YOU AND YOUR BROTHER LOVING EACH OTHER, YOU AND YOUR DAD AND YOUR ANTICS. I DREAD XMAS MORNING, THE EXCITEMENT YOU STILL HAD EVEN AT 19, THIS YEAR WOULD OF BEEN 20.
EVEN THE BRIGHTEST OF DAYS ARE DARK, NIGHTS ARE EVEN DARKER AND I AM JSUT TIRED OF MISS
 ING YOU. THE DEPTH OF MY PAIN IS JUST LIKE SUFFOCATING.

Rhea

                  Well your dad decided after on and off conversations that he wanted to get a dog. Of course every time he talked about it Ky was all jacked up. Numerous times dad was like well...... I was kidding or half thinking about it, but nooooo we aren't. The this past weekend your dad was sitting in his recliner while we were all watching T.V and showed me a pic of a bullmastiff. ??????????????? I looked at him like REALLY???? AGAIN????? He said I think we should really get one. I said " A WHAT???" your dad: a bull mastiff Me: What? Really? Ky snapped his head around and said what? What are you talking about??????. I said your dad wants to get a dog again. I really have been against it because putting Hampton down was very hard. I thought the hardest thing in my life BUT NOW I KNOW IT WAS NOT.....
                    I thought about it and although it will not bring you back or by any means fill the part of our hearts that are crushed. I did think though maybe it would be a good distraction. I don't mean to not think of you, because that could NEVER happen since you are in the forefront of my mind EVERY SECOND OF EVRY SECOND. We are all very excited though and you would really think she is the most adorable thing ever.  I know she will bring smiles to us and that is something we really need. There isn't a time that I don't smile and then think how can I????? You are dead, not here, gone forever, your voice absent, hugs and kisses a feeling that I will never have again, I am sad, broken, crushed, empty, so extremely sad that I sometimes don't know how I can even think or break a smile. 
                    Somehow getting this puppy reminds me of all the time I spent with Pepper every night. She was your baby, your pet, I agreed to let you get her and although I took her over caring for her, you were the reason I found love in a ball of prickly little sticks. It broke my heart when she died. I held her till she took her last breath just like Hampton that is why I questioned taking on another life that will eventually end.  I am weak though and love animals. If I could save every pour soul that needs a home I would. so January we will get the little pup we will call Rhea. Your brother picked the name. It is Greek and means mother of all gods.
                 
I always end with how much I miss you and love you and how I am lost and so is dad and Ky We cannot believe 3this is still happening, happened real. It sucks that's all I have to say. Suck with a CAPITAL S and UCK which stands for so much

St. Nick Sadness

                               Your brother spent his first St. Nick without you.  Every year I would buy you your solid Santa trying to find the biggest one, because I didn't do stockings anymore.  This year I was so preoccupied in the life we are living that I didn't think of it.  I mean I did think of it because of all the candy/misc in the stores, but it didn't seem like a priority.  That was wrong of me and it still should of been top priority for your brother, because your brother is still here. He likes his Santa's just as much as you if not more.  So it was the day after and Dad and I were shopping and I didn't find solid but hollow, so I bought your brother 2.  He was happy for that, but I still feel bad that I wasn't on top of it just for him.  I hadn't paid attention and noticed he started to eat his cause he would leave it on the counter kinda rewrapped in the foil. I thought to myself boy he ate that first one quick. Not thinking anymore of it I went on.

 The next time I went into your room..................... I sat down even before I could look at your pictures the tears started flowing. As I started talking to you I brought my head up and sitting on your desk was the 2nd Santa. I immediately broke down in a sob. So on your desk sits is a full Santa, and also the half of a solid chocolate rabbit that you had still. I initially had thrown it in a plastic bag with the actually garbage I was throwing away right after you died and I was being nosey going thru your room.
                         After Aim had the reading by the physic and the lady told her that you said not to change anything in your room, and something about Easter ( but she didn't know what that meant) I DID I took it out and that also stays on your desk.
                        I love how excited you both were that you never got dresses just thru on a robe and straight to the stockings. the stockings that Gramp Pete made for you were the size of you and your dad always would tell me "Ya know you don't have to fill them all the way" ya whatever. I miss filling the stockings with all the stuff I knew you would be so excited about and now, seeing you and your brother nawing on them.