Reaching Out

                                      

Tomorrow your Dad and I are meeting with a median. I have had this planned for a couple weeks. At the beginning all I thought about was I wish it wasn't so far away. It seemed like it was scheduled eons away, even though it was only a couple weeks. I tried not to think about it too much, because it would just seem still too far away. I am looking forward to this so much. I think to myself, Now...... I don't want to expect anything.... that way if there is something from you I will feel like it was a success. Depending on what it is I will know you hear me, that your still out there somewhere. I know there may be a chance that you don't come through. In that case I will be sad, sadder than I am now????? I don't know if there is even a worse place to be. This sad goes right thru the bottom of the very bottom of the bucket, thru the core of the earth and swirl continuously in the never ending blackness that is space. 
                                                    In my mind I know you came through to Aim and I believe it was you, because there were things she said about you and from you that nobody would of known. Because I am not really religious and I don't really have beliefs of a higher being or place to hang out with ultimate beauty. I want to know you are still with me in some form, whatever that may be.
                                   My heart is in so much pain thinking about you not being here, not being with our family Xmas Eve, no gifts for you, then there is those lucky parents that still have their children...ALL OF THEM whether it be one or 10. They have a abundance of merry cheer, happiness with smiles, laughs, warm full hearts, and lots of HUGS AND KISSES full of love from their children and them knowing they love their parents and them knowing it is genuine unconditional love that the parents have for them. I am truly happy for those families but when I have been in a situation with discussions of buying gifts, getting ready for the holidays, How some of the kids are so picky and they don't know what to buy or if they will like what they were bought.  I think at least you can buy a gift and give it to them, see them light up. I so want that, I want it with all I am. With all my heart I know you knew you were loved unconditionally no matter what. I know you didn't mean for this to happen........ I know, but it doesn't help me, doesn't give me a sense of anything, no happiness, smiles, full heart, peace and especially the gentle soft kisses and tight hugs from you.
                                 I don't have a list of things I miss about you............
                            IT IS THE EVERYTHING YOU WERE THAT IS MISSED
  THE PART OF MY HEART THAT IS YOUR PLACE FEELS LIKE IT IS SHRIVELED UP LIKE A OLD APPLE.




I am so anxious but extremely excited my insides are so churned up. I am so open, she said you have to be and feel open, My heart open, my mind open, My whole soul is open to any and everything that she can pass to me from you. PLEEEEEASE I AM BEGGING YOU TO COME TO ME AND YOUR DAD. Everyday that passes there are other memories, duties that call and distractions, but even with everything you are at the forefront of my mind.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH HOW I WISH WITH ALL OF ME THAT WISHES COULD COME TRUE, MAGIC WANDS WORKED AND GENIES EXSISTED.
THE LIFE YOUR BROTHER, YOUR DAD AND ME ARE LIVING DRAGS US DOWN LIKE CEMENT BOOTS, AND FEELS LIKE WE ARE BEING SUCKED DOWN BY THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.
I am extremely grateful that I have your brother and dad to cling tight to.