WHERE R U?????????

                           Every day closer to the holidays is getting harder and harder lately. I don't have any ambition or want to do any decorating. We put the new laser's in the big trees. The ones they say are for the lazy decorators. Your dad and I don't even care about decorations or a tree. Your brother even said why? who cares....who needs a tree..... I don't know if he is just saying it or if he really means it. I don't know if it will make a difference for our emotional states. I doubt it really.
 It has been 25 days since I had a dream with you with me, in it, or about you. I realize every time I dream I wake up screaming or crying, but I am missing you terribly. I have been yearning for a dream even for a short burst of you being near me. I have my memories of your smiles and face, but in my dreams it is more real and you are tangible in a way in my dreams. They say that it is visits when you dream about your loved ones that have past. WHY????? WHY haven't you been there???? WHY won't you come even when I beg you. I beg you everyday to please come to me. I want you to be in my dreams, even in my worst nightmares I think its you coming to me. I see you in the flesh, I hug you a lot and have talked to you and you me even more so in my dreams. Sad or not, upset or screaming.  If you are not visiting me are you hearing me when I am in your room?

OH HOW I WISH FROM THE DEEPEST PART OF MY WHOLE BEING THIS COULD SOMEHOW BE TRUE

                        I kneel at the side of your bed with my head on your pillow or just draped, limp, crying, still wondering why????? what made you do this, think it was ok, think you would be fine knowing what this epidemic is doing to people.... to IT HAS DONE TO US................  I Sit in my chair at night and out of nowhere will have tears streaming down my cheeks. A waterfall rushing faster than I am able to wipe so I just let it fall, I sit numb with no expression knowing nothing but I am sooooooooooooooooo very sad, more than sad, my head still in a fog wanting this to be so unreal. The part of my mind that is aware of what the truth is knows you can't come back. I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I am so confused still, HOW COULD THIS BE? MY BABY, HOW COULD YOU BE GONE?  HOW CAN THIS BE THE REALITY OF OUR LIFE? WHY DID THIS TOUCH OUR LIVES?
          I have been physically sick for weeks now. I don't know if it is the exhaustion actually taking over, the strain on my emotions and my, mind, my body, if it has finally caught up and taking over. My health is different, I feel different more different that being just tired, deep breaths don't seem to release overwhelming feelings, they don't clear my mind, not that they did before but sometimes its like I ran miles and can't catch my breath, feel relaxed.
          I DREAD XMAS EVE, SITTING WITH THE REST OF OUR FAMILY, OPENING PRESENTS, EATING MISSING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKING FUNNY FACES, COMMENTS, SITTING WITH YOUR BROTHER TAKING PICTURES, THE FEELING OF JSUT LOVING YOU, LOVING US TOGETHER, LOVING SEEING YOU AND YOUR BROTHER LOVING EACH OTHER, YOU AND YOUR DAD AND YOUR ANTICS. I DREAD XMAS MORNING, THE EXCITEMENT YOU STILL HAD EVEN AT 19, THIS YEAR WOULD OF BEEN 20.
EVEN THE BRIGHTEST OF DAYS ARE DARK, NIGHTS ARE EVEN DARKER AND I AM JSUT TIRED OF MISS
 ING YOU. THE DEPTH OF MY PAIN IS JUST LIKE SUFFOCATING.