TOURNEY FINISHES

  Well...… All Raffles put together and wrapped, All titles, labels and numbers applied, Hopefully I have all Donators listed on our appreciation board and info logged in my records.

I think we now have teams set, all my wonderful volunteers are confirmed. Cars are packed and soon to have tables picked up.

        I STRESS FROM THE 1ST DAY OF PLANNING, I WORK SO VERY HARD TO TRY TO MAKE THIS DAY AS GREAT AS IT CAN BE. i DONT ASK FOR MUCH HELP BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY THING I CAN DO FOR YOU. I CAN'T HOLD YOU, KISS YOUR CHEEKS FEEL THAT HUG AND CAN'T SAVE YOU SO THIS IS WHAT I HAVE.

       MANY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, RACING THOUGHTS, WORRY, ANXIETY AND FALLING ASLEEP WITH TEARS IN MY EYES. YOUR DAD SUPPORTING ME EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY. CHEERING ME ON, HOLDING ME UP AND LOVING ME ENDLESSLY TELLING ME THAT IT WILL ALL TURN OUT FINE.

       TODAY FINALIZING EVERYTHING IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE SUCKER PUNCHED ME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN.  YOUR DAD HOLDING ME AS TIGHT AS HE CAN AS MANY HARD SOBBING TEARS HAVE FALLEN. As I sit here writing this I still can't believe tomorrow even exists..

      ALL THIS TREVOR, ANOTHER YEAR OF PREPARATION FOR A DAY WE SHOULD OF NEVER HAVE HAD TO HAVE FOR YOU..

I HOPE YOU CAN SEE TOMORROW HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVED BY OTHERS STILL. I HOPE STORIES CAN BE SHARED, SMILES FROM THINKING ABOUT YOUR ANTICS, REMEMBERING YOUR BIG BROWN EYES AND THAT LAUGH AND SARCASM, YOUR 1 AND ONLY PERSONALITY.

I, YOUR DAD AND YOUR BABY BROTHER LOVE AND MISS YOU BEYOND ANY WORDS. 

Just some of my inside

I did not know exactly what it was that Trevor died from. At his funeral though some people knew and some assumed. Some had the audacity to have drugs there. If I would of knew wrath like no other they would of seen. Some there fed into and sold or gave him something we had no idea about until his death. So called friends, and although my son chose to follow the steps of these so called friends there is resentment, There is anger, disgust, feeling of betrayal, a furious hate at times, wonder how much they truly did care for my son. A furious bubbling inside would like to show them how furious I am but, it won't bring my son back and wont change their ways so it's useless so inside I am forced to struggle with my own mortality. So many of them yet they smile to our faces and go on with their life as my sons is dead and gone and we are left with shattered hearts they cannot even fathom. I am left with emotional and health issues I will suffer for life, I'm stuck WITH THE IMAGES OF MY DYING SON, MY DEAD SON, AND HIS ASHES FOR THE REST OF MY BREATHING DAYS. Everyone knows now and whether there are some that may judge. they are supportive to us. I say do what your heart tells you. I was embarrassed and still feel like a tremendously horrible mother that I did not know he started using heroin, some say a mo before but there were also pill bottles( MY Pill bottles found from my back surgery ) so who know how long he was doing pills. I WILL NEVER know for sure, since my baby is silenced forever. Even though the embarrassment is gone, I put it out there my raw pain in Hope's it will hit home for someone and save their family, their Mother or Father or best friend close sibling or even their life. It's so rampant and out of control. Our kids are statistics but we can still have a voice and be proud of all the good they had, accomplished and who they were and be extremely proud they were our flesh and blood.
I am allowed my feelings and should not have to hold my tongue. I dont have to forgive because I have had my flesh and blood stolen, those others really dont have a say in how I feel or what I want to say. Trevor died in some apartment with ( I wont go into the extra feels I have for him,)of a Xanax/Herion accidental OD.
WITHOUT HIS MOMMA, BY HIMSELF WITH NOT A PERSON THAT GAVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM. BET I bet those "friends" dont even it a second thought.

Nobody misses you and loves you LIKE YOUR MOMMA.

4 years of continued excruciating pain

Do I even know where to start.  Of course I do!!!!!  Opening my eyes, knowing its the day, THE DAY I DREAD every year more than the other days I hate, Balling with a completely broken heart. with the start button put on REPLAY OVER AND OVER.

4 years ago I started my day like every other, loving my life and feeling blessed because my family was whole.  I knew I had a awesome husband who loved me and had my boys my heart and soul who I thought would be with me forever, my  whole world.

Did I know that normal day I would hear unbelievable words , words I never expected to EVER hear?

Did I know I'd be a part of what you see in movies and collapse  on the ground, people staring from afar as I lost my mind screaming in agony?

Did I know that my child was found dead at 7AM in some apartment that belonged to someone who I didn't know and that loser was not a friend and neither was the loser that was with Trevor the night before.

Did I know my life would change forever that day, that I would lose a piece of myself.

Did I know I would never ever be the same.

  What I did find out is that his girlfriend at the time came to the house at 1 PM searching for him, cause he didn't show up for work.

I did know that was out of character and that he wasn't home.

I do know it took me to inquire calling the police station with no response from anyone after calling 3 times, then to get a call back saying we should probably come to the station (AT 4PM).NOT 7AM

I do know I thought why could the detective just tell me that Trevor got arrested?

I do know I ask him to just let me know he was ok.

I do know I thought he couldn't tell me because Trev was 18 yrs old.

I do know that even after pulling into the lot and seeing his girlfriend on the steps crying

I do know I had no clue that ANYTHING was wrong until I hit the steps of the police station and heard TREVOR IS DEAD.

I do know that my youngest baby came out of the double doors and fell into his dads arms.

I do know that at that moment I thought this could not be my life.

I do know I said No!!!!  about a million plus times before that collapse.

I did end up finding out the loser called his mommy before 911 or the police.

I did find out that my baby ended up still ,cold and laying in a morgue ALL DAY and  NOBODY...... NOBODY contacted me to let me know that my son would never take another breath, give me another kiss or never ever say I LOVE YOU to me again.

I do know that as I was distraught and bouncing from one wall the other, asking where my baby was, that I wanted to see him and being told no I wasn't aloud to see him.

I ASKED WHYYYYYYY I WASNT CALLED.

I DO KNOW THAT THE DETECTIVE TURNED TO ME AND SAID WELL...… EVEN IF WE WOULD OF CALLED YOU IT WOULD NOT BEING YOUR SON BACK!

WHAT?????????? WHAT DID I JUST HEAR??????

HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SON OF A BITCH.

I do know that being held up walking out of the police station I didn't know what just happened to me.

I do know I went home feeling completely empty

I do know that our whole house was full of his friends and their parents and our family and friends that same night, some sitting in Trevs bedroom, some in the kitchen some outside ALL IN DISBELIEF.

I do know I didn't believe seeing my baby for the first time at the funeral home, laying still on a gurney in a hospital gown.

touching his face, kissing him and he was cold and hard, the was no expression in his face, he wasn't moving, there was no breath coming from him, and when I put my head on his chest sobbing there was complete silence just like the silence when I pleaded screaming with him to wake up, when I asked why????

I do know I was numb picking out flowers and casket and urn.

I do know that I went to visit him almost every single day until his funeral.

I do know those days  leading to the funeral I was in a haze don't remember a lot.

I do know there were literally well over 1200 people that came to support us and I greeted every person personally numb and still in disbelief.

I DO KNOW I NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE MY BABY THAT NIGHT KNOWING I WOULD NEVER SEE OR BE ABLE TO TOUCH OR KISS , TALK OR HEAR HIM

I DO KNOW I STILL SOMETIMES THINK HE IS GOING TO COME THRU THE DOOR

I DO KNOW I HAVE NIGHTMARED OFTEN,

THAT I HAVE ANXSIETY THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM DYING

THAT I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND NO ANSWERS WILL EVER COME

THAT MY SHATTERED HEART CAN NOT EVER BE REPAIRED

THAT I STILL CANT COMPREHEND THAT MY BABY IS GONE!

AND

I DO KNOW I WAKE UP EVERY SINGLE DAY WITH A VOID SO VAST I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH

AND I DO KNOW A GUILT LIKE NO OTHER

THAT I GRIEVE TREV, I GRIEVE THAT LIFE THAT IS NO MORE, THAT I GRIEVE WHO I USED TO BE AND WHO I WILL BE FOREVER, THAT IM TERRIFIED THAT I WILL LOSE MY YOUNGEST BABY

I DO KNOW THIS PAIN IS INDESCRIABABLE,THAT I  MISS TREVOR MORE THAN ANY WORD CAN DESCRIBE, THAT I FEEL LIKE I AM CHEATED, THAT I FEEL LIKE IM SUFFICATING, IM DROWNING DAILY.

I HAVE FELT FEEL GUILT, I HAVE MISS AND HAVE A BROKEN HEART FOR 48 MONTHS, 1,462 DAYS, 2,105.280 MINUTES AND 126,316,800 SECONDS AND I WILL HAVE GUILT, MISS AND HAVE A BROKEN HEART TILL I DRAW MY FINAL BREATH.

SO EVEN WITH MY NOVAL THERE IS STILL NO, NO WORDS

Still The Same And So Tired

As if Life’s Mental state really isn’t enough. People who live with depression struggle every single day. Let’s add living with seasonal fing depression and the weather that continues to feed it. the forced life you now lead that’s beyond depression. Opening your eyes to another day knowing one of your children WON’T ever smile at you, hug you, tell you stories from his day, make you laugh , NEVER EVER walk thru the door again and tell you he loves you. If that’s not enough ..... let’s add the new anxiety you deal with that’s so debilitating you feel dizzy, weak, shake, feel like your heart is going to explode and you literally have to throw up. The energy you don’t have because missing a piece of you is truly more exhausting than you ever thought you could feel. The guilt of not knowing ( something hidden from your super mom powers) The guilt of not being able to protect and save that child, The guilt of feeling you SHOULD BE A BETTER mother to your living child but this uncontrollable emptiness and physically excruciating pain consumes you. I KNOW it’s all with good intentions and those who love you say it in hopes that it eases a tiny pc of what is killing you. That it’s not my fault, that I was and am still a good mom. I don’t hold it against those wonderful people in my life. What you hear you want to be true and you want to feel like that mom, like the old mom you once were. You want your smiles and saying I’m ok to be genuine, to not feel like a fake, to enjoy life, to be able to put the never ending thoughts that fill your mind to the side even when you laugh, you want to feel like spending time with your friends and family instead of putting your pjs on immediately after work and not want to do anything. Scared to have those emotions and outbursts because you yourself don’t want to upset the 2 other loved ones that are directly affected by Trevor being dead. Scared you will be pitied, that you will eventually have no friends or acquaintances, you will be resented by people because you cancel or don’t return messages, forget to wish happy birthdays because your mind is foggy. That you Don’t reach out to those you love. You feel horrible but not doing is just so much easier, than the effort that you HAVE TOO pretend. You don’t want people walk on eggshells, to be uncomfortable to fear they will make you cry at the mention of your child’s name. You feel like you shouldn’t rant about your problems on social media not looking for attention or pity, but u do anyway in hopes it makes others read into your hell and not want that for those they love. You really and truly yearn for your old life , the person you once were, the one you grieve with alongside your child being dead. It DOES NOT make me wonder anymore why some parents become alcoholics, that they lose their jobs because they can’t function, that marriages fall apart and regardless who they have and all that support them they just want to die from this life to not have to deal with the pain any longer. Don’t feel obligated to comment Know that I Thank You for your love and support. ❤️

Broken

3AM wake up, Memories, Spinning - Racing thoughts, the times that will NEVER come I WISH Every New Morning Was Still My Old Sunny Ones !

WHAT IS NORMAL ?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile because your child is missing from all the important events in your life.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving the day your child died, continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these days.
Normal is a heart warming and yet sinking feeling at the sight of something special your child loved.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention your child.
Normal is making sure that others remember your child.
Normal is everyone else eventually going on with their lives.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to your loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
Normal is taking medication now, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone except someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with other grieving parents.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is asking why your child was taken instead of yours.
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and lost.
And last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

The Wheel

Just a normal day, normal daaaay? I wish I had those in life still. Its always a spinning wheel and you never know where its gonna land. Most times you land on a new day of the repeat of numb, disbelief, memory loss, fog, pain and tears. You really never know to what level it will reach and then there are the days it lands on shit storm. Simple vacuuming brought me to my knees. Today the simple chore took me down the hall and into your room. I stepped in took a deep breath and got about 3 swipes in, before I screamed at the top of my lungs. The dogs came running as they do when it happens. Babbling the same words as always and thru the blurred water I Look at all your things. All of your favorite mementos, trophies, Your construction barrel, street sign, all the pictures of so many years of your life. The life I was supposed to teach, preach, protect and save. Apparently I grabbed the non waterproof mascara today because after kneeling at your bed sobbing and pleading for answers that never come, I caught a glimpse in your mirror and I looked worse than Alice Cooper. I finished your carpet as I sobbed and thought to myself, I'll dust another day.

These r the kind of pictures I now think to now document to capture days or moments I have. I write my own book to look back at maybe... someday to read and feel like I WAS/AM strong, stronger than I never feel. To see that my pain and reality were and r real and that in my real world I dont have the  unrealistic wish of you, expecting to walk thru that door anytime.  Still  and forever my heart broken and hurting , but knowing I continue to overcome or get thru even the toughest of days, minutes, seconds when it feels like I should just give in to the pain.

 After settling down I had a large bottle of expired pills to dispose. I drove there.....I sat in my car eyes welled for a good 10-15 min several times saying I'll do it another day. Dreading even looking at the entrance. Again taking a huge deep breath, I wiped whatever was left of my mascara and got out of the car with my head down. I got to the back of the car and there I stared with my breath stopped. I felt as though someone kicked me in the chest full force. Walking up I must of paused what seemed like a hundred times, and as I reached the steps my body felt this pain, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I felt like I couldnt breathe like a plastic bag was surrounding my face. In my mind even though seconds passed,that day, the visions and every word and silent scream every second played over and over. I felt weak and sick to my stomach wanting to just fall, but reality pushed me forward as I knew there would certainly be a confusing scene for those around. With my breath held I entered the doors your dad pretty much had to carry me thru that day, and approached the window. I pretended just like a professional actress, went thru the steps in numbness and it seemed like I held my breath the entire time. I finished, quickly walked, pushed the doors, walked past the dreaded patch of concrete where my body collapsed and lay 3 years, 9 months and 6 days ago. I barely reached the car door frantically fumbling with my keys struggling to get in the car fast enough to repeat and continue where the wheel landed today. Crying uncontrollably with my head in my hands I look up and realized a older couple in their car had been watching me. I started the car, hands shaking, backed up and continued to cry with sporadic inhales and whimpers the whole way home. These , everyday these are the moments the wheel brings. I MISS AND LOVE YOU SO MUCH TREVOR I WISH SO BADLY THERE WAS NO WHEEL. XOXOX MOM