The Struggle is soooooooo VERY REAL.

       I know I am not directly or remotely connected to this recent Florida shooting, but I am struggling with this mentally. It has affected me like just a knife in the chest emotionally. I know there have been other shootings that are just as tragic and I am not dismissing them by any means or dismissing those that are affected by the trauma of  being involved.         I look at the faces of the people, but the focus of the faces of these young children immediately stings my mind and heart. That then brings all my still raw emotions to the very place at the top of the surface I try so badly to keep underneath. These children should be laughing, hanging out with friends, learning, loving their families. They should be living, breathing and being able to be hugged and loved in the real time in the now.Not being remembered, REMEMBERED.
        The memories of yesterdays and their fresh faces will rush thru the minds of their parents. All their memories will flash at a pace you never thought your mind could go. All the laughs, cries, smiles, accomplishments and  then all of the everything that they should of been able to continue to make and do. As their mind races with all of that it is also preoccupied with the most horrible unreal things they are experiencing and will..... Arriving to the place where your dead child lays for you to actually see what you repeat over and over in your head can't possibly be true. Where you walk with great hesitation thru a doorway till your eyes meet the sight of their lifeless body and then you lose every sense of EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in this whole universe.
               The disbelief is like a airplane propeller slapping you in the face like a nuclear bomb. You can't even think of controlling a single ounce of your whole being,. First gasping for any air that might be able to squeeze thru the almost non existent airway,  trembling, barely able to keep yourself from collapsing again like when you initially heard the words you should NEVER hear, and then the CRYING AND SCREAMING.............. Out loud - inside like fire raging thru the trees it is endless and you CAN'T STOP. The words that are coming out you can't even hear because the scream is still echoing in your ears, yet the permanent silence that comes from your dead motionless, cold child is deafening. THEN...... You have to leave them there.              The longest couple hours of your life.... the daunting tasks of planning to put your child in a casket, pick flowers, a signature book, remembrances cards what to put on them and trying to write a obituary, something so everyone would know how amazing they were, but there isn't enough room and everything you would want to say would deplete your retirement savings because it is all so ridiculously expensive.  
            Picture boards who will do them? will I have to? do I want to? Do I want anyone else do them when I was the closest thing to being one with my child. You want them perfect or as perfect as you can make them in the zombie like state your in . Going thru picture after picture so many to even choose from. The memories again flooding like a fast forward x100. Your brain can't keep up with the millions of things speeding thru your numbness. Plain and simple you feel as though your insides are like the grand canyon and everything is so loud but muffled at the same time, you feel like you want to throw up,  Your eyes hurt, your nose raw, your head aches and your whole body feels a pain like no other. Your heart feels like it is going to burst or explode like from solid rock to dust.
          Without experiencing the movie scene your body feels literally like someone rammed their clawed wicked hand into your chest and ripped the only thing that kept you alive.
          Oh yes! Lets not forget Mr. & Mrs. please remember to bring a couple pictures for reference so we can make your dead child's face look as close to being alive as possible.
                 The several hours spent at the  actual funeral are like a out of body experience. This isn't happening, that is not my child, this is just a bad horrid nightmare..................but in the unrealistic view you sure as hell know you don't ever want to leave the side of that casket, Don't want to leave them because this is the only time you have left. THE ONLY TIME TO BE ABLE TO SEE , TOUCH ,TALK AND HAVE THEIR BODY THE BEING YOU MADE, KNOW THAT RIGHT THEN THEY ARE STILL WITH YOU. YOU STILL HAVE THEM THEIR BEING.AND THAT LAST TIME WITH YOUR CHILD, THE CHILD YOU CHOSE TO SHARE FOR THSOE HOURS ARE SO LONG YET GO TO COMPLETELY FAST.
     You thought the hell was happening and it has been but the very last kiss, touch or whisper is now again the beginning of the new hell you have to live.
                
         *****  So there is the first mom to do an interview she is standing there, she starts talking, I know she is totally numb you can see it, she is a shell the shell I still feel like. EMPTY eyes distant and still in disbelief even though she is reliving every moment as her mouth moves. I feel my breath held and feel the rage. My body already tense and my heart beating a million miles a minute with the tears streaming down my face before she even has one word spill from her lips. I want to lose my mind screaming I want to throw things,  She talks..... wanting so badly for someone to make this better to help her to make the pain go away but there is nothing NOTHING that can be said or done. Her world has come crashing down and she losses her mind starts talking louder and then yelling and screaming for anyone to hear and respond. The desperation in her voice is heart wrenching and my chest hurts, I can't hold in the vibrations of the hard crying,

https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/15/politics/mom-pleads-with-trump-after-daughter-slain-in-school-shooting-newsroom-brooke-baldwin-cnntv/index.html

 I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP SO MANY NIGHTS I CAN'T EVEN COUNT, I WAKE AND CAN'T GO BACK TO SLEEP BECUASE THIS IS MY LIFE/NIGHTMARE.
     IT IS ME. THIS IS WHO I AM EVERYDAY, EVERY MINUTE EVERY SECOND. INSIDE THIS IS ME. WHILE HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE ,WHILE GOING OUT WITH FRIENDS, HAVING COFFEE, WHILE WATCHING TV, SHOPPING, DRIVING IN THE CAR, LAYING IN BED, GETTING UP SHOWERING, CELEBRATING MY ONLY SON LEFT ALL HIS WONDERFUL ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND THE THINGS HE IS BECOMING THE JOY HE GIVES ME AND THE LOVE I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE I HAVE FOR HIM. . I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WHAT I AM, WANT TO DO WITH EVERY BREATH I CAN TAKE.

                         THE STRUGGLE SO VERY REAL, THE PAIN EXCRUSIATING, NEVER ENDING AND ITS NOT GOING ANYWHERE EVER.
        

The start of a New Year ???? My life is Angelas words

by Angela Miller

. . .
A new year
used to be
hope for a chance
to make all that was wrong,
right.

But what is
a new year
when none of the wrongness
of losing you
can be made right?
. . .
What is new about a year
when the one thing
I wish to change,
the one thing
I’d give my life
to change,
cannot be changed,
or undone,
no matter how
many New Year’s resolutions
are thrown its way?
. . .
I cannot say
‘Happy New Year’
anymore.
It is simply one more
painful reminder
that I could do without,
one more slap in the face,
that it’s been another
three hundred and sixty five days
of “living” without you.

Another year
of trying to survive
the endless minutes, hours, days,
months,  years,  without you.

Another year
of battling the heartless
clichés thrown my way.

Another year
of listening
to people’s bullshit
about “time healing all wounds,”
and “God needing another angel
so he picked you”–
. . .
Another year
of people ignoring
your very existence
on this earth,

Another year
of learning how to be
the best parent,
the best mother,
to you,
my oldest son
who never grows older.
. . .
Yes, a new year is
another blank book
of pioneering–
of still mothering you,
my dead child,
the best way I know how.
. . .

Meloncholy

Being home alone silence on the outside and loud babbling thoughts on the inside

 

Tis the season to be happy, joyous, and celebrate , be grateful for things in your life and love those around you. Smile at the millions of great memories and look forward to the millions more to be made.

It is not a pity party I ask for and I don't share to bring attention to myself or the nightmare our family lives. A part of me does share to bring attention to the pain and devastation it brings to those left behind. I just vent sometimes and I guess I feel if people read instead of a silent diary it somehow is healthier. Maybe someone is as lost as me and feels this this vast desolate being lost on the moon feeling and I just want it validated. Maybe it is the support even though it doesn't change me right now and who knows if it will it is appreciated. I don't know maybe there really is no reason I just do it and feel that maybe a individual dealing will see it, maybe a family member will pass it along to one of their friends and MAYBE , JUST MAYBE it will reach someone and save someone another parent because their loved one has realized oh god that is a horrible existence. Or I those who know me will read and just be there for me no matter what and for those who don't really care well....... they wont take the time to read my sometimes lengthy depressing desperate novels.

 

I am not able to describe or make you fully understand the pure devastation and agony I endure on a daily basis. Only those who have lost a child can grasp it. A parent understands their void and the void another must be feeling yet each individual loss is different and none like the other. As everyone's relationship has its own dynamics. Each loss is different its own way and for each experience and circumstance has its own repercussions in ones mind and soul, so in actuality you really don't know what they are going thru or feeling, you don't understand how some are or seem better than you or deal with it in a better way than you. In the back of your mind you know they are hurting but to the extent well that is a mystery to everyone but them.

 

There is a indescribable guilt that you have because in your mind your husband cant mourn the way you think he should because you are a complete disaster and although you are there to support him in every way you possibly can, he is there making sure you remain as sane as you can in the midst of what you wish was unrealistic life. He is like the strongest piece of concrete on earth. I am so lucky for this so far could have torn us apart, we could resent one another for one thing or another that we said to Trevor or something we think should of been dealt in a different way. I could be alone and yet we are together loving each other, holding on to one with the strength to not let the other fall into a no return mode.

 

You are sincerely and truly grateful for those you still have in your life. You not only love your other children as much as you did, but it is a different love them more... than you ever could ever imagine (more) being. You realize that you thought you made every second count, but in reality you can make it all count so much more. You study their mannerisms, the subtle facial expressions, the way their hair lays, watch them sleep, the way they say things you want to learn all there is to know. You don't want to not know something, You are TERRIFIED that it could be taken from you in a instant and you will be left with so many more voids than just not having them to fill that spot that belongs to them and them only. You are so very proud of their accomplishments, the future that will bring them fullness, the ultimate happiness and success. You want to give them every ounce of yourself. give THEM, the living breathing soul everything since they deserve it all and their is only them to be able to give it to. You feel guilty because although they are here you are unable to let that other half free to concentrate your whole self on the person who is still aware, able to feel and be loved. There is always a question of do they really know how much you love them, because you are so utterly lost, and consumed with what should be and can never be again.

 

You want so very badly to be who you once were and yearn to have that fullness and feeling of being whole. you also mourn the person you were.

When ( the those around you) is minus one utterly important piece of you, the one who should be laughing, joking, enjoying his auntie Becky's Oreo bark and wearing his Santa hat. you are beyond overcome by all emotions, Melancholy I believe its the word. The missing piece, they are a part of your everyday life, the thoughts good, bad and horrid, the questions and wishes , the what ifs and should ofs, the guilt YOU TRY TO TELL YOURSELF NOT TO HAVE and the (words) of I KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT are said over and over, but your heart tells you something totally opposite. The guilt everyone tells you not to have NEVER goes away. It is burrowed deep and eats at what feels like the already shriveling part of your heart. It brings the feeling of lightheadedness and suffocation. gasping on the inside, That fading into blackness and the feeling of being on the brink of passing out. You want that to be so and when you come to you have your old life back.

 

Unfortunately the old life is not able to return, it is never going to be the same. and all you can hope for is whatever that something is other than the misery you feel. What it is exactly, what could it feel like and will it ever come.

 

MISSING PIECE

I️ remember these days so clearly, how you and the boys were still so silly , happy and oblivious to the reality of the big bad world. Not yet ready to jump out of the nest, what I thought was the safe haven of your moms wings protecting you from all that I possibly could. Filling your  mind, trying relentlessly to teach YOU things to keep you out of harms way. Tried to give you all the knowledge  I could to keep you away from the dangers of the world . Trying I TRIED TREVOR!!!!! to keep you safe, hoping you would just think before acting and just to be scared enough to do things that would take you away from me. I've watched all your guys grow into men. YOU SHOULD ALSO BE TREVOR, YOU SHOULD NOT BE DEAD. I SHOULD HAVE TO HAVE THIS UNDESCRIBABLE PAIN THIS OVER POWERING PAIN. You are the one that is supposed to be included in the common things they r all still sharing.

 

 I️ can’t even express how pictures and memories cause such a rollercoaster of emotions. Remembering... shreds my heart and makes my days and a lot of simple things confusing,makes my mind foggy and let’s not forget about the sobbing, screaming out loud , muffled and silent. I️ wish the smile from those pictures and millions of memories would stay and erase the nightmare I’m NOT suppose to ever see, experience or feel. I️ wish there was a book, some sort of directions, words of comfort. WHY CAN'T THERE BE SOMETHING?????  I know most don’t understand, but wish I didn’t feel so fake or like I am lying when ask the kind and caring question of “How R u, Pete, Kyle ?” I have become pretty good at sugar coating my outer self, because there’s no reason to bring others down with me. I️ WISH so badly that there was a thing called the END, But it’s really just a flood. I’m trying with ALL my might to stay above the waves, grasping at the liquid that is supposed to let you float, but it doesn’t pull you up, but let’s the gravity continue to drag you further and further down. I️ can’t find the log  strong enough to hold me long enough to catch that breath or sigh of a calm/pause. In my smiles and laughter I just feel the that sinking feeling, the panic, the fear and the ultimate feeling of despair. I am just simply drowning Trevor, drowning a little bit more everyday. I want to tell you that I love you, that I don't approve of your choices, that I am angry that you didn't share with me YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE TO TRY AND HELP YOU TREVOR. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY TREVOR.

FaceBook Post Oct 7th 2017

I Remember this night 5 years so clearly. LAST game LAST walk across the field to Kenny chesneys boys of fall. (which Ky played at Trev's funeral ) for what for would be the LAST TIME HIS GUYS WOULD BE TOGETHER. I think every players heart was moved when Pete laid TREVS #26 jersey that his teammates signed on top of his still chest. The last night of football there was not a dry eye. The day Trev was found dead our home was FILLED with so many tears. Even Trev's bedroom filled with his friends reminiscing. Some with beers that they felt were maybe a comfort. A tower of cans on his desk, stories told, memories shared. Tears of love. Looking at this picture knowing the closeness these two shared the bond even from hundreds of miles away from each other Every time I see this Or think of it I cried before. Now The lump in my throat makes me breathless the tears that fall with the pit in my stomach deep. Sitting here in your room the house empty, pain is all so very real. close the windows and scream into your pillow With the vision of me shaking your lifeless body with all the strength I have SCREAMING WAKE UP......PLEEEEASE!!!!! ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.......HARD TO CATCH A BREATH I SCREAM ANYTHING THAT FILLS MY HEAD, MY HEART, MY LIFE. I HATE THIS PART OF ME, MY LIFE , MY EXISTENCE. I HATE THAT IYOUR BROTHER DOESNT HAVE HIS OTHER HALF, THAT YOUR DAD IS MISSING SUCH A HUGE CHUNK OF HIS BEING AND THAT I AM LEFT WITHOUT YOU!

(EVEN FOR ALL REASONS NOT SO RIGHT, IT IS SO FITTING THAT THIS COMES THE DAY AFTER YOUR BEST FRIENDS BIRTHDAY)

 

So Many Wonders

It has been 816 days. That number doesn't seem real big does it. It isn't in the whole scheme of things I guess.  I guess I really don't know what that number means. the amount is bigger but in the same thought why does it literally feel like yesterday that I never received an answer from you.
That text I no longer have because I had to get a new phone this year.
Should I really want that to remind me that you never answered me
That I now know you were breathless, lifeless and gone already from me.
I still question WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I was not called as soon as possible to be informed
You were found early morning and it took me to inquire with no straight answers to the police station and got nothing till almost 4pm
 Why is this grief so UTTERLY RELENTLESS.
 I am consumed with just plain missing you. The unfairness that I don't have you here is so VERY DEVASTATING.
Every time I walk down the hall I feel like throwing up.
I want to drop to my knees and scream so loud our windows blow out
I look into your room and even though reality says different I want you would be there to say sup Mom.
I would give ANYTHING to have you laying in your bed or playing video games, doing homework SOMETHING, JUST ANYTHING TREV
I hate that the wonders are so stuck in my mind, they just don't go away Trevor.
Its like my mind is hollow and it echo's so loud that stuff on the outside are drowned out.
My caring is sometimes nonexistent
I want to know where I went wrong
What didn't I say or did say to you
What is it that your dad might of said
Did we pressure you too much
Did you feel like we nagged you too much
I thought I was doing a good job loving you
Do you know no you don't know how much this makes me question so many things about myself of being a mom
I have this pressure that fills my head makes me feel like I've been banging my head against a wall for hours.
Even on medication I feel so not right
I almost hate going places and doing things, I feel like I am the Debbie downer.
It is indescribable how and what I feel , think.
I can say it but I cannot make anyone understand this horrible existence I feel I am in.
I still feel like people look at me differently,  I am not who I once was and never will be again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know everyone says I need to, not just sit around and your dad is the biggest one to tell me.
I just want to lose my mind sometimes and tell everyone to just go to hell.
Knowing its wrong keeps me from doing it and holding yet another thing in.
I know its not right its not nice and it is bitchy and the emotions are just uncontrollable so often
I don't know how other moms deal with this.
Am I so weak that I cannot evolve whatever that means
Am I so weak that I am not like other moms
Is it because I am not religious
I hate who I am now, how my mind feels, how my heart hurts all the time, how empty I feel even though there is so much to be grateful for.
I am grateful for all those who put up with me who, who stand by me when I just want to be left alone.
Why did you feel the need to continue this knowing all the risks
What made you start taking pills
Was it when you broke your back in football
The pain pills and muscle relaxers
Why did you take my pain pills and I never noticed, to have me find them in your room after that fact.
The number in the wallet in your room who does it belong to
should I call it? Do I want to?
I read your death certificate more than I should and still cannot comprehend all this
I know it wont make anything better.
WHY CANT THERE BE SOMETHING TO HELP ME TREVOR?
I feel suffocated by my own thoughts and feelings
feeling like I it has been long enough where I cant break down out of control like I feel like constantly inside, like my inside is really doing but on the outside there is a force field showing an illusion.
So many of the repeats
What if anything were you feeling, thinking as you laid there with nobody to help you
Who sold it or gave it to you
I can't even go on because my head feels like its going to blow up
MY GOD TREVOR THIS COMPLETELY SUCKS MORE THAN ANYTHING.
THATS NOT EVEN THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG
I JUST HAVE NO MORE ENERGY WORDS RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM BABBLING.
MAYBE THIS IS WHY I DONT WRITE AS MUCH HERE IS BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH OF THE SAME THING.
REDUNDANT IS WHAT I FEEL WITH LIFE IN GENERAL.
WHATEVER I GUESS I JSUT KNOW I LOVE YOU I WISH I COULD KNOW YOU ARE HEARING ME, THAT SOMEONE COULD TELL ME SOMETHING GIVE ME A TRUE MESSAGE FROM YOU.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU TREV
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The definition of grief to me

What this Grief has done :

It has collapsed me

It has taken my being to a out of body experience

It has taken my breath away

It has shattered my heart

It makes my world hazy

It has made my mind numb

It has brings fear to me

It isolates me

It has taken the feeling of the confidence I once had

It gives me nightmares

It brings endless sleepless nights

It has mixed up my days

It has made me stay in my pajamas for days

It has made me not want to leave the house

It makes me physically sick

It has me hug and lay talking to a cold metal container

It makes me lay in your bed and cry myself to sleep

It confuses me

It has made me question life

It has brought less patience

It brings uncontrollable crying

It makes my eyes so puffy It hurts to open them

It makes me miss enjoying outings

It has made me throw up

It brings horrible visions

It brings screaming out of control outbursts

It has made me selfish in ways

It has taken me to sit by a name plate in your memory

It takes me to the parkway locked in my car screaming my brains out

It makes me say things I regret

It feel darkness I never knew existed

It has made me want to choke and torture every drug dealer

It gives me a sickening sence of proud seeing hundreds of people come to your funeral

It furiates me to know kids brought drugs to your funeral

That some sick bastard took pictures of my dead baby laying in his casket

It stills makes me angry and sorry at your

It makes me ugly cry in front of people

It makes feel fake

It has made me want to slap someone

It has made me feel mean

It makes me question how close we really were vs how close I thought we were

It makes me feel guilt

It makes people feel sorry for us

It makes them not know what to say and I know they mean well

There is nothing they can to make it better

It has made me literally feel hollow

It makes me feel I need to pretend I'm ok

It has given me crippling anxiety

It gives my heart enormous gravity to look at pictures of you

It has made me fake smile

It has terrified me when Ky leaves the house

It gives me such a aching heart to watch your brother cry and live forever without you

To see your father cry

It makes me feel a void like I never thought I could feel

It makes me feel like a horrible friend

It brings an uncomfortableness to conversation

It has made my personality different

It makes me furious that I couldn't hug u one last time, that the simple last kiss wasn't enough

It has taken a piece of me

It makes me want to strangle the GREENFIELD parents who feed our children drugs

It has made me not want to live

It gives me the feeling of pure agony of missing someone so completely

It changes my mood in a split second

It makes me think the last 10.00 I gave you bought the drugs that killed you

It makes me wonder why you tried it

It makes me wonder what you were thinking

It makes me question who we're your real friends

It makes me question who knew and hides it lying to me

It kills me to know you died with someone there

And he didn't get any repercussions of admitting he gave it to you

I am paralyzed wondering if you were in pain as you died

If you wanted your mommy

It makes me want to be able to touch even your cold,  still face just to have you with me

It makes me question if you thought I loved you so unconditionally I would have given my life to save yogi much more it is endless of thing feelings others don't realize there r

It makes me at times feel like a bad wife

It makes me wonder if Kyle truly knows how much I love him

It has made me second guess the mother I was 

It makes me question the mother I should be

It makes me question the mother IAM

TREVOR YOU BEING GONE IS DEVASTATING 

AND SUFFOCATES MY ENTIRE BEING

The definition of grief to me