when is it a dream?

We are in Arizona it is 4:30am. I have yet again woke screaming in a cry that won't stop. My dream of you was so REAL, SO REAL. When you are there and you look at me you are there inches from me and this time looking me in the eyes telling me no my name is Jason as you move away more and more. It has to be you! It is your height, weight, face, the way you carry yourself. PLEASE don't tell me your not my son. Your eyes tell me different and I want to just touch grab you and not let go. Please tell me Yes..... Yes it is me Mom... Can you just hug me and tell me it's ok PLEEEEEEEEASE. PLEASE DO GO! DON'T MOVE BACK! OMG PLEASE COME BACK! YOU R GOING TOO FAR, TOO FAST. FADING AND I AM REACHING FOR YOU  Will these dreams ever b calming, make me look into it as being lucky to have so many interactions, you coming to me?????? As they say. If that is what it is? My life itself, I am truly living the nightmare, why do my dreams have to b too.

going without you

We have planned to go to Arizona on Thursday. People have said it may be good to just get away.... Will it???? It won't change anything and it sure as hell wont change any of the feelings we have. Will it bring any kind of healing???? DEFINATELY NOT, but we are going. My heart says I really don't want to leave you. I know it may sound weird that you are a urn of ashes in the family room and I don't feel right. You still are here with us not rotting away in the ground somewhere. You are there for us to see daily in a stupid, shitty, horrible sense. Do we like it ? Does it bring any good feelings??? NO, NO IT DOES NOT.  Does it give us any kind of closure??? HELL NO. It reminds us that you are yet again in front of us as dust not able to touch or hug. We wish every single second of everyday it was you in the flesh. To go to Arizona without you still doesn't seem right to me. Would I love to take you???? Yes I am crazy and YES I would if the airport didn't think you were a package of some sort?..... :/. I am sure there are all kinds of people and mommas who would love to keep that container close every second, I would hate for something to happen to the only thing left that is you that we have. Leaving you behind really does bring me to cry, not that that is any different than any other minute I feel like my world is closing in on me and I wish I could crawl into the deepest darkest hole and leave the real world out.

Just a dream

3 nights I had a dream that unfortunately when woke totally I realized once again it was not true and only that same daily nightmare. In short my dream took different angles, but ended up with me thinking you were back and in my arms again, tangible, in the flesh for me to touch and hug. There were other things before, but the most important part was you hugged me and looked into my eyes as to say EVERYTHING IS OK MOM. At some point I ended up in a parade like atmosphere. There were all kinds of Greenfield families and a lot of your friends. I walked by someone holding Michael Kaifish in a head lock. I took several, several retakes and noticed it was you as you looked at me every time. You looked back at me at first, but didn't react so I thought I was imagining it and it really wasn't you. After a minute or so I said TREVOR! Trevor is that you? You looked at me shocked and said yea mom. " Is that you? Is it really you? I said. You let go of Fish and came to me with your arms outstretched to grab me. I grabbed you so tight and still was confused. I was so happy and couldn't stop crying. I said wha????  As you showed me a Nasa Space camp badge. I thought about when you traveled by yourself on your Washington DC trip in 8th grade for people to people cause you went to the space museum.
You looked at me and said "sorry mom it was only supposed to take 10 minutes, but it ended up taking longer". I then said omg you know your dad is gonna be so mad. Do you know how much we had to spend for everything. I was so confused and happy I couldn't stop crying and holding on to you. It then switched to me sitting on your bed as I do EVERYDAY and your dad walked by to check on me as he does now all the time. He noticed I was crying rubbing your leg and you were laying next to me. He walked in looking so confused. I said : YES.... YES HE'S HOME, TREVOR IS REALLY HERE, HE'S HOME!!. He came in with tears streaming bent down and hugged you so tight. I still couldn't believe it and was so relieved. I couldn't stop crying. I must in the end of my dream was awake, but not and then realized it was not real. I SCREAMED not even a whimper first, it was literally a blood curdling scream.
Your dad woke up and immediately grabbed me to comfort me. I right away had to write it down and as I got out of bed. I had to ask Dad to make sure. I said Trev is not here right? he's not here is he?   Your dad answered me in a crackled voice no, no he's not here. I finished writing and got back into bed still so upset and unable to believe it as your dad held me so very tight and calmed me down eventually. You are gone, gone forever. OMG I wish so much that real life was a nightmare and the dream was so true. I miss you terribly and it seems that its has been so much more upsetting like healing hasn't even started. Still fresh and torturous. I just want to be with you to hear your voice, touch you and hold you and tell you everything will be ok. I CAN'T and IT KILLS ME. Feeling like my INSIDES ARE OUT all the time.

Silent Football

There is a empty spot in the family room today, missing the Rodgers jersey with  your bold personality full of comments, laughs, and humor. 

 

 

Today is opening day for Packers. You would be so jacked up, complaining how there aren't enough games going on at once, bringing your TV out and hooking it up next to the other one for you and your dad to watch, using your red zone so the important parts are front and center. You both talking shit to each other or screaming at the games, calling players all kinds of names, discussing your fantasy football teams, points and shit talking other fantasy players. I have so much pain and it breaks my heart to the ends of the earth, I can't even explain how extremely sad I am for your dad as I watch him sit so somber in his chair. Me knowing this morning he couldn't contain his tears as I could barely hold him tight enough while he cried. It is not fair that he cannot get jacked up with you talk sit and cause all kinds of loud chaos with you. It is not fair that he can't enjoy an ounce of the excitement of the game, won't ever be able to enjoy this day like he did before, because you aren't here with him.

The 4 of us

          I am home alone tonight so 1st place I visit is my place that is yours. After screaming as loud as I could and crying to you asking you questions that followed in silence. I cried some more and asked more questions while I ate dinner in your room. Still the silence was deafening there sometimes it doesn't feel real, like you could walk through the door and come say hi and hug me while we talk about your day.

         At the same time that could be further from the truth. This is our lives and there are no give backs or do overs. I went through our Family Pictures from 2014.  My heart breaks yet another day knowing we will never be four again. It was winter and cold, but we never let that stop us from having fun. You boys messed around and had a good time. We were going to get updated ones this year. I had so many plans for pictures, even to do the ones where you have younger ones and as adults you stage the same as the younger ones.
         I CAN"T do that now, I am ROBBED of the chance and that makes me so sad, miserable, angry devastated.  Taking another picture of us.... can that happen? should it happen? should we include you? Is it weird ????maybe.... should we care? When will it be ok to? As for now it is questions like any other thoughts we have does it matter since we cant have you back and nothing will bring you back. It seems like forever and a day to even think it could even happen. The smiles, laughs, humor, teasing, love and memories we shared that day will be imprinted in my mind for all of eternity. I LOVE YOU TREV XOXO

 

 



Dreams are Nightmares

I brushed your hair past your forehead and said "Honey it will be ok!", as you looked at me with sad eyes. immediately I started screaming and crying hysterically.

 

Early this morning I woke crying so hard it startled Pete from his sleep. Besides other things it was because in my dream Feeling Helpless, a gut wrenching sickness that Guess what? IT IS NOT OK! NOTHING is ok, the ok is GONE FOREVER. The day's and night's of what used to be my dreams, have now turned into what are nightmares.

 

 

 I wake to knowing you are not here for me to see in the flesh and blood. YES! I do have your ashes in our family room openly to be seen as a reminder. I have pictures ( hundreds and hundreds of them), but those are NOT your soft hair, your stubbly face, they are not your warm hugs.

As I sit here and look at your funeral boards, tears run down the cheeks that used to be softly kissed with no prompt needed. The I LOVE YOUs you would say to me everyday.

 THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH to make things ok EVER again.

 

 

How I wish I could get one last kiss......

How I wish I could get that last hug......

How I wish I could get that last I LOVE U!

The How I wishes, they come every minute to only be shot down by reality.

My Place.................That is YOURS...

 

                    Sometimes it is a quiet place where I just think of the same millions of questions that will never be answered, I cry and talk to you in hopes that you will hear me and give me any signs you are there to listen.  Most times it is where, if I am not screaming out loud, I am screaming with a nonstop echoing in my head. Crying so hard my eyes are swollen, my ears feel clogged and my head feels like it is ready to explode at any second.

There is NEVER 1 instant that my tears are not streaming down my face, like a waterfall from millions of feet up or the full force rush of a broken dam.

Today I cleaned your room for almost 2 hours, vacuumed every inch, dusted all your shelves and medals and polished all of your trophy's.  As I touched everything for that 2 hours my tears NEVER stopped. Thinking of every time you received a medal or were honored for earned accomplishments. From elementary on up nothing was ever going to stop you. Your drive strong and passion for things so deep.

How I wish deep within my heart and my everything there were more Goals and Accomplishments yet to come.

That is now not possible and I have only what was and no more tomorrows ......

No more tomorrows with you!  My first born, My free spirited, Strong willed, Fun loving what had become the son that had grown into a well rounded AWESOME man. A man who so many loved and cared for. I am sad for them,

 BUT.......HONESTLY and MOST SELFISHLY more EMPTY, BROKEN AND SO EXTREMEMLY  DISTRAUGHT for your dad, your brother. and FOR ME, YOUR MOM!

 Nobody! Nobody can know this feeling of torture unless they have had to try to live with it. 

 GOD DAMMIT......

 I HATE THIS!!! I just want TO WAKE UP, but NO, NO this pain IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE..................

Our hearts that is you, is so hollow and it will never ever be filled again.

I LOVE YOU TREV

XXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO