Just a dream

3 nights I had a dream that unfortunately when woke totally I realized once again it was not true and only that same daily nightmare. In short my dream took different angles, but ended up with me thinking you were back and in my arms again, tangible, in the flesh for me to touch and hug. There were other things before, but the most important part was you hugged me and looked into my eyes as to say EVERYTHING IS OK MOM. At some point I ended up in a parade like atmosphere. There were all kinds of Greenfield families and a lot of your friends. I walked by someone holding Michael Kaifish in a head lock. I took several, several retakes and noticed it was you as you looked at me every time. You looked back at me at first, but didn't react so I thought I was imagining it and it really wasn't you. After a minute or so I said TREVOR! Trevor is that you? You looked at me shocked and said yea mom. " Is that you? Is it really you? I said. You let go of Fish and came to me with your arms outstretched to grab me. I grabbed you so tight and still was confused. I was so happy and couldn't stop crying. I said wha????  As you showed me a Nasa Space camp badge. I thought about when you traveled by yourself on your Washington DC trip in 8th grade for people to people cause you went to the space museum.
You looked at me and said "sorry mom it was only supposed to take 10 minutes, but it ended up taking longer". I then said omg you know your dad is gonna be so mad. Do you know how much we had to spend for everything. I was so confused and happy I couldn't stop crying and holding on to you. It then switched to me sitting on your bed as I do EVERYDAY and your dad walked by to check on me as he does now all the time. He noticed I was crying rubbing your leg and you were laying next to me. He walked in looking so confused. I said : YES.... YES HE'S HOME, TREVOR IS REALLY HERE, HE'S HOME!!. He came in with tears streaming bent down and hugged you so tight. I still couldn't believe it and was so relieved. I couldn't stop crying. I must in the end of my dream was awake, but not and then realized it was not real. I SCREAMED not even a whimper first, it was literally a blood curdling scream.
Your dad woke up and immediately grabbed me to comfort me. I right away had to write it down and as I got out of bed. I had to ask Dad to make sure. I said Trev is not here right? he's not here is he?   Your dad answered me in a crackled voice no, no he's not here. I finished writing and got back into bed still so upset and unable to believe it as your dad held me so very tight and calmed me down eventually. You are gone, gone forever. OMG I wish so much that real life was a nightmare and the dream was so true. I miss you terribly and it seems that its has been so much more upsetting like healing hasn't even started. Still fresh and torturous. I just want to be with you to hear your voice, touch you and hold you and tell you everything will be ok. I CAN'T and IT KILLS ME. Feeling like my INSIDES ARE OUT all the time.