I brushed your hair past your forehead and said "Honey it will be ok!", as you looked at me with sad eyes. immediately I started screaming and crying hysterically.
Early this morning I woke crying so hard it startled Pete from his sleep. Besides other things it was because in my dream Feeling Helpless, a gut wrenching sickness that Guess what? IT IS NOT OK! NOTHING is ok, the ok is GONE FOREVER. The day's and night's of what used to be my dreams, have now turned into what are nightmares.
I wake to knowing you are not here for me to see in the flesh and blood. YES! I do have your ashes in our family room openly to be seen as a reminder. I have pictures ( hundreds and hundreds of them), but those are NOT your soft hair, your stubbly face, they are not your warm hugs.
As I sit here and look at your funeral boards, tears run down the cheeks that used to be softly kissed with no prompt needed. The I LOVE YOUs you would say to me everyday.
THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH to make things ok EVER again.
How I wish I could get one last kiss......
How I wish I could get that last hug......
How I wish I could get that last I LOVE U!
The How I wishes, they come every minute to only be shot down by reality.
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