going without you

We have planned to go to Arizona on Thursday. People have said it may be good to just get away.... Will it???? It won't change anything and it sure as hell wont change any of the feelings we have. Will it bring any kind of healing???? DEFINATELY NOT, but we are going. My heart says I really don't want to leave you. I know it may sound weird that you are a urn of ashes in the family room and I don't feel right. You still are here with us not rotting away in the ground somewhere. You are there for us to see daily in a stupid, shitty, horrible sense. Do we like it ? Does it bring any good feelings??? NO, NO IT DOES NOT.  Does it give us any kind of closure??? HELL NO. It reminds us that you are yet again in front of us as dust not able to touch or hug. We wish every single second of everyday it was you in the flesh. To go to Arizona without you still doesn't seem right to me. Would I love to take you???? Yes I am crazy and YES I would if the airport didn't think you were a package of some sort?..... :/. I am sure there are all kinds of people and mommas who would love to keep that container close every second, I would hate for something to happen to the only thing left that is you that we have. Leaving you behind really does bring me to cry, not that that is any different than any other minute I feel like my world is closing in on me and I wish I could crawl into the deepest darkest hole and leave the real world out.