Yesterday Thanksgiving was ultimately without the happy in front of it. I look back on yesterday and my heart feels just as empty. We went to our annual 9 pin bowling tap at Beloit lanes as we do every year. Pete runs a big group and he thought it would be good to have our family and friends around us. As soon as I opened my eyes in the morning I was hesitant . There was a pit in my stomach and I dreaded having to see or interact with people and smile knowing my heart was hurting with the most intense sadness. I think the drinks drowned the tears that could of flowed all day, but all the while in my mind you were there, seeing your face, wishing with my everything that I could hug you and tell you how thankful we are to have you. Not just because you are gone, but as I would express to you not just thanksgiving, but everyday of my life. I made sure to let you know you were my world as your brother and your dad are. All day between the smiles laughs and every breath I took my heart felt the stabbing pains of not having you here.
In between all the hugs, kisses, smiles, laughs and new memories being made was the biggest void because you weren't here to share it with us. You not here to join in the festivities with family and friends. I held it together most the day, silently wanting to scream, run screaming like you see crazy people do who are out of control. I didn't want to draw attention to myself by crying or shedding tears. I didn't want to make it seem like poor me, I didn't want to make it anything about me, I tried, tried so hard to keep it in, but in the end it was inevitable that my heart was the shattered mess I thought it would be. The thoughts that we there all day just brought me to an emotional mess at the end.
Throughout the night I cried till I was tired and felt so exhausted. I couldn't stop yawning, then cried some more. I lay in your bed and try so VERY hard to feel happy thinking of you and all the memories, looking at your pictures loving you. It NEVER works, IT NEVER WORKS. I can't even keep myself from crying so hard my chest hurts. I tried so hard to keep my mind busy with online scrapbooking, Facebook etc.- Reading all the messages from some who wrote on your wall and on mine reminded me how much we are and you are loved still. It is a heartwarming feeling but the tears always return by the smallest of love that is shared.
I TRIED !!!!!!!!!!!!TO KEEP A POSITIVE MIND THINKING DAWN! YOU/WE ARE THANKFUL FOR SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES, THANKFUL FOR OUR HEALTH AND HEALTH OF LOVED ONES, HAVING EACH OTHER, HOW WE CAN STILL LOVE EACH OTHER MORE THAN EVER. APPRECIATEING HOW WE CAN HOLD EACH OTHER. HOW I HOPE THOSE AROUND ME TRUELY DO KNOW I DON'T JUST SAY IT, BUT FEEL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY/OUR HEARTS HOW THANKFUL WE REALLY ARE. HOW MUCH WE APPRECITE ALL THAT HAS BEEN DONE FOR US, HOW MUCH LOVE WE HAE BEEN SHOWN, HOW MUCH PEOPLE STILL DO FOR US. WITH THE HANDS ON, MESSAGES, CARDS, CALLS, WHAT THOUGHTS ARE GIVEN TO US AND SO MANY POEPLE PRAYING FOR OUR FAMILY. WE ARE SO VERY THANKFUL EVEN THOUGH I FEEL I AM UNABLE TO REALLY RELAY IT ENOUGH.
Even though I thought those things nothing seemed to be able to take that wretched pain away and in the end nope..... the tears streamed down my face. The heartache unbearable and that feeling of crawling in a hole returns with such a urgency.
I am THANKFUL for so many things in life really I AM, but life without you, the sadness, the emptiness trumps the happiness I want to feel. IT JUST DOES!!!!!!!
I never imagined in my lifetime I would feel the daily emptiness, the extreme sadness that I do.
MISSING YOU IS THE MOST EXTREME FEELING EVER. I LOVE YOU.......................................................... SO MUCH IT HURTS EVERY INCH OF MY MIND, MY HEART, MY BEING.
I haven't blogged in days. I haven't had time or made the time to sit down and actually get it out. After work I have been more depressed more of a WTF attitude if anything gets done. If I don't cry out loud , I cry inside from the end of my work day to the time I go to bed. I have never been so exhausted by doing absolutely nothing. I feel like I have aged 10 years in almost 5 months. I have been trying to get my business back to being somewhat organized. I have let paperwork, computer entries, curriculum, cleaning, storage just be a mess and its only getting worse. Nothing in my life is organized. I am usually and was a super organized person and I have just realized that whatever it is will get done at some point or another.
I used to be the person who had to get it done yesterday, right then and there, had a list, a deadline for EVERYTHING. You read those little verses about how you should live, love and experience ever day because tomorrow may not come. NOW it is just that. The tomorrows never came for you and won't, but the days that I am left here with I don't feel like things are important.
As I breakdown in the stream of tears that is nothing new to me. I can only think of all the tomorrows that should be, that should be as our family of 4. The tomorrows with you boys together, being friends, being together being happy, full of (still at your age) mischief, sarcasm and you and your brother having love for people and life in general.....,The tomorrows with your dad and both his boys hanging out, your friend, mentor and someone who can relate to things that only guys can. The tomorrows that I would be living, loving life to my fullest, enjoying every minute of everyday because I have the 3 most important pieces to my story of life.
It's not anything that is new news to you, but the tomorrows with you will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER , EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR be again............... Yea Yea Yea I read and hear all the time about the tomorrows of getting to a better place, a time of more peace??????????? A time of a new different living, a feeling like I can enjoy life again, new type of life, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I DON"T FEEL LIKE IT CAN EVER BE THAT. A time that we can celebrate you and your life.
I DON'T WANT TO CELEBRATE LIFE WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, BUT I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE AND I CAN'T EVEN SAY HATE, CAUSE THE FEELING IS WAY MORE THAN THAT. WHATEVER IS WORSE THAT HATE AND WORSE THAN THE WORD THAT IS WORSE IS WHAT I FEEL ABOUT IT. I will say that 99.9 percent of the time I breathe I am numb. I am glad that I can put on a face other than that of extreme torture.
I CAN'T SAY IT, THINK IT OR SCREAM IT LOUD ENOUGH TO WHOEVER WILL LISTEN OR JUST MYSELF, OVER AND OVER THAT LIFE IS NOT SOMETHING WE ARE LIVING, IT IS A SOMETHING MORE EMPTY THAN SPACE WITH NO STARS.
I want to live with a type of life that you would want me to live, or something that I didn't feel like crawling into a hole and closing it for the rest of my life. Not to be in the horrible existence that is what my life has become. A life what seems like a better purpose, At this time my purpose is YOUR BROTHER AND DAD. They are the 2 of the 3 pieces left of the story of my life. They are the most important parts, the parts that make up my whole being. I don't, can't, and won't give into the thoughts of what is the purpose..... WHY? because I love you and them with everything I have and couldn't let them experience life without another piece of their lives.
My world is consumed of so many thoughts, feelings of pure emptiness, and STILL QUESTIONS..........................I KNOW QUESTIONS that will NEVER be answered. So why bother to dwell on them??????????? WHY? Because knowing nothing makes me feel more emptiness. would I not have it if I had those questions answered? Hmmmmmmmmm probably not... OK! NO, NO IT WOULDN'T.
I HATE - CAN'T STAND that My youngest baby is without his Partner in crime, the brother who filled his heart with sometimes anger and annoyance lol from antagonizing, teasing, but all done with so much love.. His heart is missing so much fun, laughter and life. His daddy is not only missing his son, but one who is a third of the musketeers, that is a part of him, had so much in common with, the boy who he mentored, and 1 of my 2 who are his best friends.
My heart is just in such excruciating pain, unexplainable.... unexplainable to the people, people who have not experienced this never ending hole of hell. The feeling of ....maybe you could slam your head against a concrete wall nonstop and feel nothing. Our friends, family, acquaintances, people who don't really know us. They support, care and love me/us SO MUCH, but have no clue.... no clue of how this nonstop turmoil is affecting me/ us. Not just our hearts, but our souls, minds, bodies, health My whole existence.
I really do understand that our family, friends, supporters don't know what to say. I know, we know. I don't know what to say to you either. Sometimes things are said with good intentions to try to make us feel better, take away some of this pain. Sometimes at those times the feelings inside me are so mixed. In the mind is WHAAAAT did you just say?, NO NOT really... that is not it, you have no idea!!!!!!! I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL. More things swirling around like I don't understand how I am feeling. YES I FEEL THE SAME AS ALWAYS EMPTY, SAD, MAD, SO MANY HORRIBEL FEELS AND MOST times I don't know. All these thoughts and more ALONG with.( I'm not really mad at you. Am I coming off like a bitch , Am I making a face like shut the fuck up? I am not meaning to if I am.... I am being selfish, I care about me, my Ky and Pete. I am horrible for sometimes feeling so upset inside like I could just scream ("Gooooooooooooooooood I know you mean well, I know I don't reply to messages sometimes, I know you want to help.. I do.
I know you say "Call me if there is anything you need Dawn!!!!....Night or Day, Anytime. Ill come to you if you need. Just let me know, you have to let me know.) Would you do it? really know what to ask for? Would you know how? I am not being a bitch y any means. We are not askers normally so asking now is no different besides that we have so much support we don't know how to. I TRUELY and HONESTLY love and appreciate all of your love, concern and support, but this new life that has been given to me/us. This is something we didn't ask for or deserve. has not been something I have had before..........or want, Something that is not fair, not fun, not SUPPOSED TO BE, anything but just confusing, black, like in the middle of space with nothing to feel. Instead of the light carefree floating you are weighed down, heavy, a feeling of a semi on your chest..
Me to Everyone:
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL , WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO SAY TO YOU, WHAT TO ASK FOR, FEEL BAD THAT I AM STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, WITH ALL THESE I DON'T KNOWSSSSS. I KNOW I MAY SEEM UNGRATEFUL, DO I, I DON'T KNOW. I AM NOT! I AM CONFUSED, AND TOTALLAY LOST, LOST WITHOUT A ROPE TO GRAB ONTO. IF I OFFEND I DON'T MEAN TO................
PLEEEEEASE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL, PLEASE DON'T STOP TALKING TO ME, DON'T STOP SENDING ME MESSAGES. I HEAR AND SEE IT ALL, BUT JUST DON'T KNOW AND NOBODY HAS THE ANSWER, THERE IS NO BOOK! NO TIME SPAN! NO F^&%$#% RULES TO FOLLOW...........................I DON'T KNOW THAT I COULD FOLLOW THEM IF THERE WERE.
ME, PETE AND KY DEFINATELY HAVE EACH OTHER AND THAT WILL STAY STRONG NO MATTER WHAT. WE DO NEED ALL OF YOU, WE KNOW WHY....JUST DON'T REALIZE WHEN OR WHAT FOR. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
PLEASE DON'T STOP TRYING LOVING ME/US JUST BEING IN OUR LIVES. EVEN IF IT IS SILENT.
I know I/we have so much out there.
THE FOG IS SO THICK AND THE ONLY THING I KNOW AND AM SURE OF IS..... TREVOR IS GOOOOOOOOONE! I CAN'T STAND THAT I HAVE TO THINK, KNOW AND FEEL THIS, WHATEVER THIS IS. I AM LIVING FOR MY HUSBAND AND SON AND THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE. THEY ARE MY HEART AND SOUL, MY REASONS FOR LIVING.
This morning I woke up SCREAMING so loud and reached over to feel for your dad. I forgot he had to work for a few hours this morning. So he wasn't there to hold me, let me cry, my tears falling making a small puddle on his chest trying to console my emotional shell. These times are the times that are my loneliest. I cried so hard and screamed so loud. After writing in the journal book . I got up I wasn't going to go back to sleep. I checked Fb, picked up my t-shirt blankey and laid in your bed. I cried to you, I talked to you, I screamed at you and about you and about this whole horrendous life you have left us. I was so extremely upset. I must of cried myself to sleep, because By the time I woke up your dad was home.
I just want dreams to be dreams that I can at least like and not have to be distress everytime I wake up or have dreams with you and feel at peace or feel good that I was close to you. I don't though no matter how the dream is bad, good , neutral I wake screaming out of control.
the initial feeling of seeing you this morning I thought was going to be happy in the dream, but it ended in being distraught.
There was no real surroundings I just looked at you, I was close to you and I said Hiiiiii very softly.
It didn't look like a casket that you were in but it did have sides because my face was kinda inside something close to your face. The first time I said Hi you slowly opened your eyes where it seemed like they were focused on me, like a relief look on your face, but it turned so quickly, went from maybe me saying hiiiiiiiiiii loving you and you just looking at me butnot moving about 3 times as you opened and closed your eyes. Then your eyes rolled in the back of your head and I started screaming noooooo. NO NO NO its ok Hiiii Hiiiiiiiiii HIiiiiiiii baby Hiiiiiiiiii baby its momma, PLEEEEEASE momma is here. It got to the point of I was just saying It's Momma PLEEEEEEEEASE PLEEEEEEEEEEASE TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
screaming just wanting you to open your eyes one more time I just want to see your beautiful brown eyes. As I was screaming relentlessly your face went from looking live, pink, soft alive, alive to pale then a dark grey with the same blotchiness on your cheeks that you had by the end of your funeral because there were so many people and it was warm for so many hours.
Grey blotchy and hard it ended up looking just like the last time I was able to see, touch, kiss you. YOU WERE DEAD! The whole time I was screaming the same words to you. That is when I woke up.
As I sit here typing and tears streaming down my face almost unable to hold in a full blown cry. I glance up to look at you, the platinum urn that you reside in. HATING IT! HATING IT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF ME!
Yesterday I started my therapy.......... Therapy hmmmmm ??????????? I didn't want to go in. dreading getting so upset, so I sat in the car in the parking lot for a few minutes more. I texted Pete and he texted me such loving support so I finally sucked it up and went in.
Filled out paper work after having to wait about 10-15 minutes for a person to even get me the stuff because she was out of the office and the nice little glass window was closed and locked.
AND..................... WEEELLLLL it went as a thought................
She asked tons of stupid history questions, some that didn't even make any sense in asking. She said very minimum and within the minimum was "Well you and I both know that you coming to me is not going to fix this or you?!"
I cried 59 minutes out of the 60 as she typed and stared and looked at me like everyone does when there are no words to say as they can only just watch me cry.
and then we set up 3 more appts????????????????????????????????
So lets recap.....My state of mind, feelings, thoughts, my broken heart EVERYTHING....
I know it was only one visit, but besides NOTHING being changed which I didn't expect. I feel pretty much the same definitely NO better and maybe more shitty last night and today.
Saying this with a very strained exhausted voice in my head, tears running down my face.
I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!!!!!!!
Things I say to you that are not even out loud echo like the grand canyon in my mind.
I CONSTANTLY STILL JUST FEEL LIKE SCREAMING LIKE A MAD WOMAN.
I FEEL LIKE SMASHING THINGS AS I WALK THRU OUR HOUSE.
While im in your room I get so frustrated I would love to throw something or punch a hole in the wall.
Would I though? No because it might ruin something that belongs to you.
Should it matter you don't need anything anymore?????
I think about all the pictures and scrapbook layouts of you, all your projects, all of the art I kept, all your report cards, baby book, the whole rubber maid container JUST FOR YOU.
It was all saved and documented for you..... For you to reminisce and be able to look back at your life.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT ALL! I WANT YOU TO SHOW PEOPLE! YOUR WIFE< YOUR KIDS! I just want you to be able to choose who to show and to just have just because.
That can't and won't happen now.
Pictures we take as a family......... You are and will be missing. My heart breaks with so many hundreds, thousands, millions of endless things I think of, remember, wonder.
There isn't a second I don't think about what if someone could of saved you.
I CAN'T STAND TO EVEN HAVE A MIND ALOT OF TIMES, LIKE I WISH MY MIND WAS AS EMPTY AS MY HEART.
I should be happy tomorrow is Friday and I have most the day off.
My therapy starts tomorrow......
Worried I won't even like this person?
How is she gonna help me?????
Can't imagine what she is gonna say that will make any kind of difference, cope Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Cope ?????
You can't even try it out, there is no warranty and you can't just exchange easily.
I promised Pete at least 5 visits then we will see...
just the black hole life I live.
